Triggers. I don't even know what all of my triggers are, until they're pulled. Other times, my triggers happen so fast I don't see them coming.
Yesterday began the same way every other day begins for me. Nothing unusual in my 15 min routine to get ready and out the door.
I had a great morning watching my talented Inspire kiddos rehearse for their upcoming showcase. I have been slammed with work this week, which is a blessing, but my two (and a soon 3rd) jobs do keep me from some good quality time with my two boys that are home. I decided we needed some time, so we watched a movie and hung out. My 15 year old and I started having an intense "discussion" about behaviors and attitudes. This is a typical conversation for most parents and their teens...probably at nauseam. But there are triggers imbedded in very certain words for me, and unfortunately my boys will often insert these words in heated conversation.
Now, I need to clarify that I don't believe in any way it's intentional on their part at all. But when it escalates and these words get thrown at me, I'm triggered into a state of fear and panic that is near indescribable.
I've experienced these "episodes" on different severity levels now for about 7 years. So this isn't my first rodeo, and I know what's happening. I also know I won't be able to stop it quickly. I also don't know how bad it's really going to be. So my first response to entering this state is a natural one: To run! My mind shouts "get away!Get away from people, get away from danger! Don't let anyone see you!"
I can count on one hand the number of people who have seen me mid-episode-outside of hospital and EMT staff. Sadly, three of the five are my boys. The other two I won't mention here. But I know that it changed our relationship and their perceptions of me enough to make it "different" now when I see them.
Yesterday, I was in my car when the episode started. I asked my boys as calmly as I could to please get out of the car and I was able to drop them off at home before I started shaking so bad that I couldn't drive. I made it around the corner to the parking lot of a nearby school, put my car in park and proceeded to deal with the enormous range of fear, emotions, physical pain and angst that that somehow become as common for me as a migraine headache.
I've been fighting with myself about whether I should try to explain or describe this episode publicly or not. There is a lot of stigma, and shame, and misunderstanding surrounding PTSD. It took a painfully long time for me to stop listening to those outside that say "you have complete control over your mind and body. You can just stop it. You allow this to happen." But I realized how backwards their thinking was.
We would NEVER tell an abuse or rape victim that they had control. Or that they simply allowed it to happen, so they should just deal and stop letting it bother or control them. Could you imagine?
PTSD STEMS from abuse; trauma! Psychological, emotional, physical, spiritual, sexual, etc. No matter the cause, or the amount of control you did or did not have over the situation doesn't matter! The effect and the outcome are not controllable. How we learn to cope, and heal IS!
In sharing my personal PTSD trauma experience here, I'm opening myself up to vulnerability on a level I'm not comfortable with! However, I do understand that vulnerability is what allows us to own our experiences, and step into self acceptance and self love (thank you Brene Brown). And I'll be honest, I hate myself the most during these episodes. To a point where I want to give up. I often wish I could just die. And that is beyond painful for me to admit. Because I really DON'T feel that way unless I'm in that place.
My experience:
My initial response to a trigger isn't always the same, but I'll always know I'm headed for trouble when I become overly emotional, lose control over my thoughts and feel my adrenaline go through the roof! The best way I know how to describe this, is that it feels like everything in my mind gets tossed into a rip tide, and the conscious part of my brain that knows I'm safe is drowning. The only thing that's coming through is the terror of realizing you're not in control and you feel immense danger!
As I was driving home yesterday with the boys, this was my initial response. Tears started streaming. And not normal tears, like a flood of tears, but I'm not sobbing. There's no noise. I can't make any noise because the adrenaline in my body is so high that my teeth are chattering. I even bite my tongue trying to stop them from chattering so hard.
My breathing is now making it hard to focus and keep my eyes open. My legs and body start to shake and I am lucky to find a parking lot quickly so I can stop. I know things are going to happen fast.
I stop the car and close my eyes and give in to everything happening. The muscles in my body are twitching and contracting so hard that it hurts. Now I'm sobbing in heaves between my teeth chatters because literally EVERYTHING hurts. My head, my body, my heart. Nothing makes sense. I keep repeating to myself out loud "I'm ok. I'm ok....I'm safe. I'm ok."
I try to control my breathing to keep from passing out (which has happened several times in the past). I don't want to be found in this parking lot and taken to the hospital. I don't have health insurance and that would be an expensive trip for nothing. They never find anything wrong with me there anyway. Just higher than normal blood pressure and HR, dehydration and exhaustion. Which makes sense. When I'm issued a stress test, it's off the charts and they tell me to follow up with a regular doc to see about reducing my stress/anxiety with medication. I may consider it seriously if I could afford it. I know I can't so no sense in going down that road. I'll be fine. I'm always fine.
Now that I've taken hold of some semblance of coherent thought I try to keep from losing it. I try to count the number of empty spaces in the parking lot until I can't see from the amount of tears coming out of my eyes. It always feels better to close them.
I try to relax my body instead of stiffening everything. But the more I relax the more I shake. If I can tense up enough I don't shake. So I tense up as much as I can.
I try to sing a song to distract myself, while at the same time hoping that no one can see the mess that I am here sitting in my car.
As much as I fight it, the shame and embarrassment of ANYONE seeing me like this is too much to bear. I am broken. And I will be alone forever because who would want to see this? Who would want to have to deal with this weak and damaged woman?
My heart is beating so hard. I'm running a race with no finish line, and no reward at the end, except the end of this internal beating.
I start to feel myself becoming weaker and weaker. Everything seems distant. Everything goes dark.
When I open my eyes, things start coming into focus and I start to gradually feel the aftermath. But I'm not shaking anymore. Thank heavens! My body feels wet from perspiration. My body weight feels so heavy that I all I can do just sit there.
My head is uncomfortable and leaning against the door and seat belt return. I must have slumped that direction when I passed out.
It takes all the energy I have to move my head back over the head rest.
I wish I could say the worst of it is over at this point, but now that my mind is quieted, and I'm much more aware and coherent, this is when the self loathing, shame, guilt, and loss are experienced at such a depth that I want to disappear. My thoughts are along these lines:
"I'm such horrible mom. The boys feel at fault when this happens and I'm probably ruining their lives. It's not their fault!"
"What happened to my life? How did I end up like this? Why did I allow myself to be abused so badly? I will forever live with nightmares and memories that my body wont forget."
"I hate how weak I am. I don't want to be like this!"
"I'm so tired. My heart and my mind and body are so tired. I can't go through this again. I don't want to feel anymore."
"Where would my boys go if I wasn't here? Could someone else do a better job taking care of them. I'm barely a mom as it is anyways working 3 jobs."
This is when I catch myself. I know in the deepest part of my soul that no one can love and be mom to my boys like I can. I am tired as hell. I want to give up the fight. I want to know life again without all of this chaos. But leaving my boys with the knowledge that they weren't worth the fight of my life is not an option for me. They already have a parent who's abandoned them in that regard, and it's hurt them beyond repair.
I drive home, which luckily isn't far. I pull in the garage, and that's the last thing I remember until I wake up on my bed, with my purse still on my shoulder. ( My angels work overtime!)
I try to move and I'm so sore! I feel like I've been run over several times. Every muscle aches and hurts. I try to get up and go check on the boys. I have no idea how long I slept for and it''s getting dark outside now.
I make it to the bathroom and my legs want to give out. I turn back and flop on my bed. I call to Marchus who I can hear in the living room. He comes and lays by me and tells me he helped me into my room from the car because I wasn't talking or moving really when I walked into the house. Once again I cry, and apologize if it worried him. I reassured him that I was ok and that I just needed to rest and sleep it off. He hugged me and said "I know mom. You've explained this before. I understand. I love you!" My gratitude for my boys can't explained in mere words. I can't think about my sweet, tender, understanding boys, and what they've had to endure already in their young lives, without tears coming to my eyes. How could I ever think life with them isn't worth the pain and suffering that comes with it?!
Today, when I woke up and looked in the mirror, I saw the exterior aftermath of last night. (So not attractive!) I had mascara stained eyes and cheeks and streaks of it running down my neck. My hair was a sight (though that's nothing abnormal) and my eyes were red and weary. I have a slight bruise on the left side of my head, but it's not bad at all.
I tried to look past the woman staring back at me to see a soul who is courageous and never gives up! To see a heart that keeps beating even when it's put to the test of debilitating endurance and heartache. I tried to see a mind that works hard to help others and make the best of every situation. I longed to see a Daughter of God who's made so many mistakes yet still knows she's loved and cherished. A daughter who doesn't just disappoint, let down and need help. I wanted to see myself as the mother who has the energy and stamina to burst through the day being the best mom she can because being a mom is all she has to be. Some of these are a reality. Some are not. I don't always see what I want to see.
So often in my life, I've relied on others, or more specifically a significant other, to remind me of who I am. Inside. This can be so dangerous!
What everyone sees on the outside is the tip of the proverbial iceberg. But recognizing and knowing who I am to my core, regardless of my mistakes, or the ugliness that PTSD is, and more importantly in spite of what anyone else thinks or believes I am, is going to have to come from within. And today, like many days, it's harder to find for myself. But I won't stop looking. And I won't continue to deny myself the gift of what good there is inside of me, no matter what a mess I appear to be, or what parts of my past try to haunt me.
The effects of abuse are real. They are not something you just "get over" or find peace from once you move on or find another relationship to fill a void. I'm learning that I can only do my best to learn to trust myself. Asking for help isn't weak. And feeling the need for arms around you to help you feel safe at your worst, doesn't mean you're not strong and independent.
I know this post is heavy. But it's real. And I am grateful for the lessons and healing that come from vulnerability, and recognizing that not everything is roses and sunshine. In fact, more often than not, it's hard and discouraging. But love and hope are ever present. And healing happens as we allow it by persisting and never giving up.
Again, I'm so grateful for my boys; for their unconditional love and their nonjudgmental support. I am truly blessed!
Sunday, May 7, 2017
Sunday, January 15, 2017
Trauma. It's a word we hear a lot associated with tragedy. But we don't always acknowledge that it's a word that carries a broad spectrum of situations that claim it's title.
It's 17th Century Greek origin means "wound." The definitions range, but here is the basic definition:
1. a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. A personal trauma like the death of a child.
-emotional shock following a stressful event or a physical injury, which may be associated with physical shock and sometimes leads to long-term neurosis.
2. physical injury. The synonyms say much more for the depth of this word and it's meanings:
Shock, upheaval, distress, stress, strain, pain, anguish, suffering, upset, agony, misery, sorrow, grief, heartache, heartbreak, torture....
The point? We all experience trauma. Every one of us. In different ways, at different times in our lives, we ALL experience this word and it's meaning for us! And though every circumstance and situation is different, the effect trauma has on us is not very different at all.
While we all experience different levels of stress, the stress still impacts us all in much the same ways. We may have a hard time sleeping, eating and concentrating. These are broad and basic. However, the stress that money issues causes vs. stress from finding out your child has been lying to you, are going to be manifested differently, and will effect your life in different ways.
With trauma, I've found that those who have experienced trauma in a car accident, with health problems, death of loved ones and loss of income or job stability understand trauma differently than the trauma of any form of abuse, addictions, abandonment and fleeing for your life. However, it brings us all to our knees. It forces us to question our core beliefs, and it tests our faith and strength. We all end up struggling to find our way out of the fog of trauma, and we can pinpoint the exact moments and emotions associated with our traumatic experiences with significant accuracy and detail.
For me, my personal trauma- that I'm continuing to overcome- stems from events that happened during my former marriage. There was a significant amount of deceit, addiction and all that comes with that, severe abuse (directed not only at me, but my little boys at the time), infidelity, abandonment and finally, fear for my own life, and the lives of my boys.
There's no way to explain how all this manifest or why. The more I have tried to understand it all, the more confused, angry, resentful and sad I become.
It is what it is.
What's difficult at THIS point is moving forward with out fear!
I love this quote because it's an exact representation of my thinking.
The aftermath of the trauma, and the PTSD that I now struggle with, keep me in a very small and confined box. This box is my place of safety, and I know what I can count on here. I don't really want to leave the box, except that I can see that it's not only keeping things out...but it's keeping things in! Things that I need to let go of and move on from, and won't be able to without removing the box.
The biggest and scariest thing outside my comfy box, is the world of love and relationships. Ugh.....just saying this out loud (well....out loud online) makes me cringe.
I KNOW the baggage I carry. I KNOW that the most perfect male person on the planet could offer love and safety and acceptance and the issues I have would still be here, because they are attached to ME! Sadly, no matter what a new relationship might bring that would be positive and wonderful, there are these demons that I'm trying to get rid of that would keep me from being able to see and believe that any of it is real. The thoughts would come...."you've heard lies before that you were sure were truth." " You have no proof that they aren't going to use you and up and leave you as soon as they get what they want." "They aren't in it for the long haul....why would you be worth that?" "They don't know the real you, and once they do and they see they won't want you anymore." "Love is about loss. It requires that you give up who you are and your safety and sanity."
See how fun it is to be in my head? LOL
Here's what I also know:
That I am a survivor!!! That I can be brave and strong and keep going even when I feel the weight of everything on my shoulders alone!
I know that I AM lovable....and can love again, when the time is right.
I know that I will trust the right man to love ALL the bits and pieces of me that are still being put back together.
I know that I have done my best to heal, and move forward in my own time. I haven't always gone about it in the most healthy ways....but I have learned that I can make stupid bonehead choices and be forgiven by my Heavenly Father.
I know that my boys are the best examples to me of endurance, forgiveness, faith and perseverance! They also have an incredible amount of patience with their mamma!
The longer I am single (it's been almost 5 years now), the more often I get comments about finding a good man, or offers for blind date setups or the "you should meet so and so" lines. And as much as I love the people who care this much about me and my relationship well being, I also wish I could explain just how much I appreciate not NEEDING to be in a relationship.
As a recovering codependent the best gift I can give myself, or my future husband, is to NOT need to be with him. But to look and find him when I can give my best, healthiest self to him. And WANT to trust and believe in him. I will be able to because I will KNOW he loves all of me.
I can't say when, or how it will happen. But I am coming out of my box. Slowly. And I will be open to, and ready for my new way of life, and the sharing of it with someone I know is meant for me, and my boys.
It's 17th Century Greek origin means "wound." The definitions range, but here is the basic definition:
1. a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. A personal trauma like the death of a child.
-emotional shock following a stressful event or a physical injury, which may be associated with physical shock and sometimes leads to long-term neurosis.
2. physical injury. The synonyms say much more for the depth of this word and it's meanings:
Shock, upheaval, distress, stress, strain, pain, anguish, suffering, upset, agony, misery, sorrow, grief, heartache, heartbreak, torture....
The point? We all experience trauma. Every one of us. In different ways, at different times in our lives, we ALL experience this word and it's meaning for us! And though every circumstance and situation is different, the effect trauma has on us is not very different at all.
While we all experience different levels of stress, the stress still impacts us all in much the same ways. We may have a hard time sleeping, eating and concentrating. These are broad and basic. However, the stress that money issues causes vs. stress from finding out your child has been lying to you, are going to be manifested differently, and will effect your life in different ways.
With trauma, I've found that those who have experienced trauma in a car accident, with health problems, death of loved ones and loss of income or job stability understand trauma differently than the trauma of any form of abuse, addictions, abandonment and fleeing for your life. However, it brings us all to our knees. It forces us to question our core beliefs, and it tests our faith and strength. We all end up struggling to find our way out of the fog of trauma, and we can pinpoint the exact moments and emotions associated with our traumatic experiences with significant accuracy and detail.
For me, my personal trauma- that I'm continuing to overcome- stems from events that happened during my former marriage. There was a significant amount of deceit, addiction and all that comes with that, severe abuse (directed not only at me, but my little boys at the time), infidelity, abandonment and finally, fear for my own life, and the lives of my boys.
There's no way to explain how all this manifest or why. The more I have tried to understand it all, the more confused, angry, resentful and sad I become.
It is what it is.
What's difficult at THIS point is moving forward with out fear!
I love this quote because it's an exact representation of my thinking.
The aftermath of the trauma, and the PTSD that I now struggle with, keep me in a very small and confined box. This box is my place of safety, and I know what I can count on here. I don't really want to leave the box, except that I can see that it's not only keeping things out...but it's keeping things in! Things that I need to let go of and move on from, and won't be able to without removing the box.
The biggest and scariest thing outside my comfy box, is the world of love and relationships. Ugh.....just saying this out loud (well....out loud online) makes me cringe.
I KNOW the baggage I carry. I KNOW that the most perfect male person on the planet could offer love and safety and acceptance and the issues I have would still be here, because they are attached to ME! Sadly, no matter what a new relationship might bring that would be positive and wonderful, there are these demons that I'm trying to get rid of that would keep me from being able to see and believe that any of it is real. The thoughts would come...."you've heard lies before that you were sure were truth." " You have no proof that they aren't going to use you and up and leave you as soon as they get what they want." "They aren't in it for the long haul....why would you be worth that?" "They don't know the real you, and once they do and they see they won't want you anymore." "Love is about loss. It requires that you give up who you are and your safety and sanity."
See how fun it is to be in my head? LOL
Here's what I also know:
That I am a survivor!!! That I can be brave and strong and keep going even when I feel the weight of everything on my shoulders alone!
I know that I AM lovable....and can love again, when the time is right.
I know that I will trust the right man to love ALL the bits and pieces of me that are still being put back together.
I know that I have done my best to heal, and move forward in my own time. I haven't always gone about it in the most healthy ways....but I have learned that I can make stupid bonehead choices and be forgiven by my Heavenly Father.
I know that my boys are the best examples to me of endurance, forgiveness, faith and perseverance! They also have an incredible amount of patience with their mamma!
The longer I am single (it's been almost 5 years now), the more often I get comments about finding a good man, or offers for blind date setups or the "you should meet so and so" lines. And as much as I love the people who care this much about me and my relationship well being, I also wish I could explain just how much I appreciate not NEEDING to be in a relationship.
As a recovering codependent the best gift I can give myself, or my future husband, is to NOT need to be with him. But to look and find him when I can give my best, healthiest self to him. And WANT to trust and believe in him. I will be able to because I will KNOW he loves all of me.
I can't say when, or how it will happen. But I am coming out of my box. Slowly. And I will be open to, and ready for my new way of life, and the sharing of it with someone I know is meant for me, and my boys.
Sunday, September 4, 2016
Stop 'SHOULDING" all over yourself!
About a year ago, I had determined to write on this blog once a week. Then, as my life turned from sideways to completely upside-down, it seemed every moment of what little thought and time I had, went into trying to simply manage life, and survive. I'm sure you understand this....
The older I get, the less I know. However, one thing is constant and sure regardless of how much my knowledge decreases every year: Life has a way of sneaking up on you, and bringing to pass things that you never expected; things you never wanted to experience or thought you would. It leaves you gasping for air, asking all kinds of questions, that ultimately pull you back to one singular truth: You are not alone nor are you exempt from life's experiences. Good or bad.
Look around and you'll notice everyone going through something in their own life that is significant to them. If you know someone who seems to have no struggles, no hardships, no trials or problems, then they are just exceptional at hiding them. EVERYONE is struggling.
I think it's easy to assume we are alone in our anguish. Mostly because we live in a world of constant comparison! We have been taught by media and society to look "outside" us to find what is "right" or what is "acceptable." We have slowly been brainwashed to believe that if we struggle or express our fears, that we are weak; that vulnerability is unattractive. It's all hogwash.
Over the last year I've ached and cried as a struggling son dealt with suicidal thoughts and feelings. I consoled my boys when their father overdosed. I struggled with my own insecurities and fears as I was consistently confronted with my PSTD symptoms. I had former friends and colleagues childishly target my new business for vandalism. They also lied about my character and work ethic. And most recently (as in days recent) have been struggling intensely to deal with the tragic and sudden death of a very dear client and close friend who was killed in a horrific ATV accident.
Through all of these experiences, I found myself constantly comparing myself, my feelings, my thoughts....all of it. "How SHOULD I feel? How SHOULD I respond? I SHOULD be stronger than this!" should...should....SHOULD. I'm living by a new motto:
"Stop "shoulding" all over yourself!"
I AM who I am because of what I've experienced, and what I feel is exactly what I need to feel to be able to process and heal and move forward!
So, while I used to feel like I "should" be writing on this page way more often, or I "should" be dealing with my struggles differently, the truth is I don't care anymore!!
Maybe I sound callus, or hard of heart. But when you've felt everything so intensely...down to your core...and you wear so much emotion around-belonging to you and others- because your empathic personality and codependency starts running things, you get to a point where you say NO MORE!
A lack of boundaries, even within myself, causes me to finally reach a point where I fall to my knees and cry "uncle!"
I have to let go of all the "SHOULDS!" I have to allow myself to be, and feel, and experience everything I am, exactly as I am. It's OK to not be OK! I can hurt and cry! I can ask for help! I can take all the time I need to be single before dating again (my personal favorite)!! The only rules that exist, are the ones I create.
I hope that as I start to shed the "shoulds" that I will find bits of myself again. The bits of myself that used to love me for who I am, and not what I thought I "should" be.
The older I get, the less I know. However, one thing is constant and sure regardless of how much my knowledge decreases every year: Life has a way of sneaking up on you, and bringing to pass things that you never expected; things you never wanted to experience or thought you would. It leaves you gasping for air, asking all kinds of questions, that ultimately pull you back to one singular truth: You are not alone nor are you exempt from life's experiences. Good or bad.
Look around and you'll notice everyone going through something in their own life that is significant to them. If you know someone who seems to have no struggles, no hardships, no trials or problems, then they are just exceptional at hiding them. EVERYONE is struggling.
I think it's easy to assume we are alone in our anguish. Mostly because we live in a world of constant comparison! We have been taught by media and society to look "outside" us to find what is "right" or what is "acceptable." We have slowly been brainwashed to believe that if we struggle or express our fears, that we are weak; that vulnerability is unattractive. It's all hogwash.
Over the last year I've ached and cried as a struggling son dealt with suicidal thoughts and feelings. I consoled my boys when their father overdosed. I struggled with my own insecurities and fears as I was consistently confronted with my PSTD symptoms. I had former friends and colleagues childishly target my new business for vandalism. They also lied about my character and work ethic. And most recently (as in days recent) have been struggling intensely to deal with the tragic and sudden death of a very dear client and close friend who was killed in a horrific ATV accident.
Through all of these experiences, I found myself constantly comparing myself, my feelings, my thoughts....all of it. "How SHOULD I feel? How SHOULD I respond? I SHOULD be stronger than this!" should...should....SHOULD. I'm living by a new motto:
"Stop "shoulding" all over yourself!"
I AM who I am because of what I've experienced, and what I feel is exactly what I need to feel to be able to process and heal and move forward!
So, while I used to feel like I "should" be writing on this page way more often, or I "should" be dealing with my struggles differently, the truth is I don't care anymore!!
Maybe I sound callus, or hard of heart. But when you've felt everything so intensely...down to your core...and you wear so much emotion around-belonging to you and others- because your empathic personality and codependency starts running things, you get to a point where you say NO MORE!
A lack of boundaries, even within myself, causes me to finally reach a point where I fall to my knees and cry "uncle!"
I have to let go of all the "SHOULDS!" I have to allow myself to be, and feel, and experience everything I am, exactly as I am. It's OK to not be OK! I can hurt and cry! I can ask for help! I can take all the time I need to be single before dating again (my personal favorite)!! The only rules that exist, are the ones I create.
I hope that as I start to shed the "shoulds" that I will find bits of myself again. The bits of myself that used to love me for who I am, and not what I thought I "should" be.
Sunday, September 6, 2015
A New Journey
On January 9, 2013 I walked into the court room in Mesa where my divorce hearing was scheduled to take place. I looked around and noticed how many strangers were there. Strangers that would soon know details of my marriage and separation that my closest family did not know.
I took my seat and waited, as instructed.
I started wondering what sort of questions I would be asked. I thought about what I might have to divulge and share with this room of people that I had done my best to bury as deep in my mind as I could. That's when I started shaking. It always starts with my hands, then my arms start to tremble, and then my teeth start chattering. I begged my body to stop and stay calm. I had been doing this more and more lately and it was as irritating as it was frightening.
I tried to control my breathing and calm my heart that was threatening to explode. Fear and anxiety set in, and I started to cry.
I excused myself and went to the restroom. I sat in the furthest stall and cried and shook and allowed myself to drown in whatever was taking over my body. I felt light headed and wanted to just pass out and escape what I was feeling! I leaned against the wall and prayed harder than I had in months. I felt so alone. So scared. And I felt physical pain I couldn't describe or explain.
My phone buzzed in my purse, so I fumbled around to find it and when I pulled it out saw that I had missed a call. I can't tell you who the call was from, I don't remember now, but what I do remember is the wallpaper on my phone that looked up at me.
I took my seat and waited, as instructed.
I started wondering what sort of questions I would be asked. I thought about what I might have to divulge and share with this room of people that I had done my best to bury as deep in my mind as I could. That's when I started shaking. It always starts with my hands, then my arms start to tremble, and then my teeth start chattering. I begged my body to stop and stay calm. I had been doing this more and more lately and it was as irritating as it was frightening.
I tried to control my breathing and calm my heart that was threatening to explode. Fear and anxiety set in, and I started to cry.
I excused myself and went to the restroom. I sat in the furthest stall and cried and shook and allowed myself to drown in whatever was taking over my body. I felt light headed and wanted to just pass out and escape what I was feeling! I leaned against the wall and prayed harder than I had in months. I felt so alone. So scared. And I felt physical pain I couldn't describe or explain.
My phone buzzed in my purse, so I fumbled around to find it and when I pulled it out saw that I had missed a call. I can't tell you who the call was from, I don't remember now, but what I do remember is the wallpaper on my phone that looked up at me.
I immediately felt so overwhelmed with love and the need to protect these boys. Everything else slowly came into focus and I started to pray for them.
What I had experienced years before this point was excruciating. I tried so hard to protect them from it all. To keep them outside of the hell I lived in. Now, I had created a hell for them they couldn't understand....yet. They had been moved from all they knew. All they loved. And it was my fault.
They knew that we moved for our safety. They knew like I did in their minds that it was necessary, but our hearts ached for a life we could exist in as a family that was whole, and unbroken.
I prayed for their hearts, and I prayed for their minds. I prayed that they would feel my love for them and know somehow, someday that everything I was keeping from them or protecting them from, was for their safety and their ultimate emotional, mental and physical survival. I prayed they wouldn't hate me!
I had only spent 5 minutes in the restroom, but it felt like an hour. I touched up my now ruined makeup and walked back into the courtroom. I was still shaking, but felt peace and comfort knowing I was doing the right thing.
When they called my name and asked me to proceed to the front of the courtroom, my sweet uncle Bern, who was representing me (and did a fantastic job) sat next to me and gave me a squeeze. He stood and started a professional dialog with the judge that was law jargon I didn't understand at first. I was SO grateful he was there! He told the judge what I was asking for in terms of child support, custody and other terms in the petition. When the judge turned to me and asked me if I wanted sole custody of my children, the realness of it all slapped me hard. I swallowed and squeaked out, "yes, I do."
"Do you understand what sole custody means?'
"Yes, your honor. I do."
"I need to determine if this is necessary, so you'll need to answer some questions for me."
This is what I was dreading. Reliving what I had done my best to hide from.
He asked me a series of questions about my husband, his addiction, his reluctance to sign paperwork, but his lack of showing any concern by not attending or having taken classes as we were both instructed to by law. His last question left me feeling like I'd been socked in the stomach. It was the very question I dreaded most.
"Miss Cook, tell me why you moved your children away from their father last April."
In a few words I had to explain why I made one of the most painful and heartbreaking decisions of my life. A decision that I never EVER thought I would be making.
"Your honor, he threatened me and my life to a point where I was afraid he would follow through. I left the state with help from my family to find safety. That became my first priority."
There was a series of more questions, more answers that brought up everything I'd been stuffing, and I was exhausted by the end of it all.
The total time we were in front of the judge was close to 17 min. I was sure it had been 3 hours.
He asked me if I wanted to return to my maiden name since none of my legal documentation had ever been changed to Cook. I said yes.
He then declared sole custody to me, that my name was legally in all ways returned to Gibbons, and that I was no longer married.
That's it. Over. Done.
My marriage was over, but the wounds were still fresh for my boys and I.
There's no way to describe that year of my life. It was like I was living in a horrible dream. A nightmare. And yet there were angels in my life, and people that surrounded the boys and I with love and support.
I came to understand that my marriage had been made up of lies we both told. I lied to myself, and everyone else, that things were ok. That they would get better. That I was over sensitive, over reactive and over emotional. That I was the bigger part of the problem in my marriage. This was part of the manipulation I had been experiencing for years. Anything that happened always came back to blame me.
He wouldn't take drugs if I wasn't so hard to live with. He wouldn't get so angry if I'd just leave him alone and stop questioning him. He wouldn't feel the need to cheat if I wasn't such a nag or so disgusting to him. He wouldn't call me a bitch if I didn't act like one. And it goes on.
What I need to say here is crucial! My intent is not to paint an angel halo around my head while painting devil horns on the man I once loved and who is the father of our amazing boys. Anyone who has lived in any type of abusive relationship will tell you that they often stooped to the level of the abuser in an effort to show independence and the ability to fight back. Fighting fire with fire, if you will. And I often did this in attempt to stop the hurt, the cycle and sometimes just so I wasn't the only one hurting. It's an ongoing selfish and disturbing way to live.
I have described living with psychopathic behavior and addiction as though you're fighting getting sucked into a black hole. Sometimes it's stronger and pulls harder. Other times is manageable and you can feel the pull but you can withstand it. But it's always there.
I can honesty say that I've never regretted my decision to leave that unhealthy situation. I have cried, I have hurt, and I have mourned significantly for a man, and a life that I thought I knew and thought I could save on my own.
I don't want to go into details about my fast flee to Arizona. There are family members that were a part of that process who saw and experienced how important that decision was for my boys and I.
I don't believe that my ex-husband was in a healthy state of mind, however it doesn't excuse anything either. I have never been so distraught, wounded or terrified than I was on that early Saturday morning when I realized how truly in danger I was. How truly horrific my life had become.
The more boundaries I had put in place, and the more healthy distance I tried to create between myself and my ex-husband, the more hostel and aggressive he became. Though we were separated, the boundaries were ignored and crossed over and over again and my life became a mess of untruths, distortions, accusations and flat out lies which came as an effort to further manipulate.
had I not had family support that day, that encouraged me to finally let go and stop trying to excuse and cover up the abuse, I have no doubt that the outcome would have been one that left me or my boys suffering beyond comprehension.
In an effort to continue to explain my experiences with PTSD, addiction, depression, CODEPENDENCY and anxiety (among others), it felt necessary for me to give a somewhat clearer picture of SOME of what I experienced. That being said I am NOT a victim. I made choices, good and bad, that impacted everything that happened. I refuse to have a victim mentality or self image that encourages victimization.
No one is perfect. I have made more mistakes than I can count in a lifetime. And if I didn't have the hope and the knowledge of the Atonement of my Savior, I don't know that I would still be here.
I have a deep love and abiding respect for my entire Cook family! Peter included. They are my family forever and I am ever so grateful and appreciative of their love and support for the boys and I. Their patience and fortitude with all that they have experienced leaves me in awe. I don't know what I would do without their examples of faith and endurance!
There are so many women, and men, that experience psychological abuse from loved ones. And most the time you don't know it's happening until you feel like you are going crazy. No path, no direction, no decision seems clear. You live in confusion and constant turmoil. Living only to survive, but not really experiencing life!!
If you relate to this, or know of someone who is experiencing abuse, please let them know they are NOT alone. Sometimes it means life or death. And sometimes its the difference of being able to strongly set boundaries and reclaim their un-dependence.
As Gordon B. Hinkley said, "life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."
I still pray for these sweet strong boys of mine daily! We have come so far and become more aware of our need to be open and honest about the things we feel and experience. And the things we experienced before the chaos of addiction and abuse in our home. They are magnificent examples of forgiveness and strength for me in my life! They are my WHY!! They are why I choose to follow my heart and my dreams. They are why I get up, keep moving and keep smiling through the pain of recovery. Though we all experience symptoms of PTSD and anxiety, they continue to help me patiently through mine. When I wake up from a terror and one of them has to sleep on my floor in my bed. When I have an episode and can't drive and we are stuck in the car, in the parking lot until I can calm down. They are always there to support and love me through it all.
Some might say that it's horrible to subject my children to that "dysfunction." (Ive actually been told that.) But I would like to suggest that if more of our youth could see pain, and suffering, and instead of being selfishly offended or hurt by it, take the time to show compassion, and understanding, rather than fear and disgust we wouldn't be hearing about so much bullying and terrorizing in our schools, or in our society as a whole. So much of our problem as a society today is that our children are growing up without understanding the value of LIFE. They don't know what compassion is or how crucial it is to having any kind of pure love and peace in this life.
Now that my ranting on that is over, I'm going to end this rather heavy post. It's not in my nature to be heavy, or focus on the bad or sad things in life, mine or anyone else's. But I can't bury and pretend anymore either. So as heavy as it may have been write, and I'm sure to read as well, it has been healing for me! Liberating and scary at the same time! But I look forward to the peace that will continue to come through expressing my thoughts and feelings here.
Please comment and share. I welcome all comments and suggestions, even if they aren't in favor of my writing. ;)
Have a beautiful Sunday!
The quote I will leave with today is this:
"..Wherever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, he loves you with an infinite love."
-Dieter F. Uchtdorf
Saturday, September 5, 2015
No One is Alone
It's been 3 1/2 years since my last post on this blog. So much has happened, and I've learned SO much over that period of time. Even with all that's happened, and all that I've learned, I still struggle almost daily with codependent tendencies, in one way or another. But I CAN say that my improvement with codependence, while still difficult and painful, has been exciting and liberating! I've also learned on this 3 1/2 year journey that I have been struggling with symptoms of PTSD and anxiety. This came forward for me shortly after my last post in Feb. of 2012.
In my past posts, I really wanted the focus to be on the positive side of healing and what I was experiencing. The problem with that for me now, is that even my posts were tainted with codependency, as I was afraid of saying the wrong thing, offending someone, or not having approval of my feelings. Well....I can honestly say that I am not the same woman I was then, and this blog will from now on be a raw, open, honest and revealing look at the good, the bad, and ugly that is codependence!
Along with codependence, I'm also learning so much about different forms of abuse, and PTSD. These topics will likely overlap in my writing because they are a huge part of my daily recovery. They are all a part of why I am, and where I am. But not WHO I am.
After talking to SO many friends and acquaintances about relationships, divorce, abuse, stress, anxiety, and so on, it's SO apparent that codependency is everywhere. From mild to severe it's all around us! My story is my own, but it's also COMMON. This is what I didn't really recognize until this year. I've had more people talk to me about their relationships with family or friends or spouses who struggle with addictions, depression, mental illness and more. A close friend of mine asked me to start blogging my thoughts and feelings on these topics from my perspective. She and I have discussed these issues and she often comes to me for advice. I've never thought my perspective was anything special, but if it can spark some thinking and moving steps for anyone else on their road to understanding and recovery, then I WANT to share what I can to help.
I am NOT a therapist. I am NOT a counselor nor do I have a degree in Psychology or Sociology. I have simply LIVED through what a lot of those people get paid to diagnose and treat. That is the perspective I'm coming from.
My goal is to post every Sunday. Tomorrow will start with an open and candid view into my decision to end my marriage and begin a NEW journey to recovery.
Please feel free to comment or share. There are so many who feel alone in their situations. But like one of my favorite Broadway Musical songs states, "No One Is Alone."
In my past posts, I really wanted the focus to be on the positive side of healing and what I was experiencing. The problem with that for me now, is that even my posts were tainted with codependency, as I was afraid of saying the wrong thing, offending someone, or not having approval of my feelings. Well....I can honestly say that I am not the same woman I was then, and this blog will from now on be a raw, open, honest and revealing look at the good, the bad, and ugly that is codependence!
Along with codependence, I'm also learning so much about different forms of abuse, and PTSD. These topics will likely overlap in my writing because they are a huge part of my daily recovery. They are all a part of why I am, and where I am. But not WHO I am.
After talking to SO many friends and acquaintances about relationships, divorce, abuse, stress, anxiety, and so on, it's SO apparent that codependency is everywhere. From mild to severe it's all around us! My story is my own, but it's also COMMON. This is what I didn't really recognize until this year. I've had more people talk to me about their relationships with family or friends or spouses who struggle with addictions, depression, mental illness and more. A close friend of mine asked me to start blogging my thoughts and feelings on these topics from my perspective. She and I have discussed these issues and she often comes to me for advice. I've never thought my perspective was anything special, but if it can spark some thinking and moving steps for anyone else on their road to understanding and recovery, then I WANT to share what I can to help.
I am NOT a therapist. I am NOT a counselor nor do I have a degree in Psychology or Sociology. I have simply LIVED through what a lot of those people get paid to diagnose and treat. That is the perspective I'm coming from.
My goal is to post every Sunday. Tomorrow will start with an open and candid view into my decision to end my marriage and begin a NEW journey to recovery.
Please feel free to comment or share. There are so many who feel alone in their situations. But like one of my favorite Broadway Musical songs states, "No One Is Alone."
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Accepting Tragedy With Serenity
I haven't posted in while, but have missed how healing it is for ME to express myself. While I have a desire to help bare other's codependent burdens, I must admit that this blog has proven a selfish way for me to feel better about my journey through expressing my thoughts and feeling along the way.
My sister gave me a beautiful little book that I carry in my purse with me. I pull it out, read one of its little pages, and without fail, my outlook changes and my day is better.
I thought I would share these pages with you, as I read them. That way we can be uplifted together. :)
The book is called Letting Go: Meditations for Codependents. Its a Harper/Hazelden book.
Today I opened to a page entitled, "Accepting Tragedy." Here is what it says:
"no matter who we are or where we are on our path, tragedy can strike us or our loved ones. As Leo Buscaglia says, 'We cannot stop a hurricane, silence a storm, or keepa loved one from leaving us.' These things, and others, jut happen."
"It may be hard for us to understand why God allows tragedies to occur. We may feel betrayed. We may want to give up on God or this whole spirituality business. We may wonder why we should bother working so hard at our spiritual growth, only to be ignored in our time of need."
"But after our grief and our anger, we can experience another feeling: acceptance. God has wisdom and a plan we know nothing about. Letting go means accepting both the painful and the joyful gifts our Higher Power sends us."
The affirmation at the bottom is: I accept life's tragedies with serenity.
I think this is a beautiful statement. Accepting life's tragedies with serenity is terribly difficult to do, but it makes so much more sense to me to accept it with serenity, than to fight it, dwell on it, and never feel the peace of true acceptance.
I can say I've made significant progress on my journey to codependent recovery this year. I have made boundaries, and I have stuck to those boundaries even when it was extremely painful to do so.
I know I have a long road ahead of me still. But I can choose to walk this road with acceptance, serenity, and with my head up, looking forward, rather than looking back.
My sister gave me a beautiful little book that I carry in my purse with me. I pull it out, read one of its little pages, and without fail, my outlook changes and my day is better.
I thought I would share these pages with you, as I read them. That way we can be uplifted together. :)
The book is called Letting Go: Meditations for Codependents. Its a Harper/Hazelden book.
Today I opened to a page entitled, "Accepting Tragedy." Here is what it says:
"no matter who we are or where we are on our path, tragedy can strike us or our loved ones. As Leo Buscaglia says, 'We cannot stop a hurricane, silence a storm, or keepa loved one from leaving us.' These things, and others, jut happen."
"It may be hard for us to understand why God allows tragedies to occur. We may feel betrayed. We may want to give up on God or this whole spirituality business. We may wonder why we should bother working so hard at our spiritual growth, only to be ignored in our time of need."
"But after our grief and our anger, we can experience another feeling: acceptance. God has wisdom and a plan we know nothing about. Letting go means accepting both the painful and the joyful gifts our Higher Power sends us."
The affirmation at the bottom is: I accept life's tragedies with serenity.
I think this is a beautiful statement. Accepting life's tragedies with serenity is terribly difficult to do, but it makes so much more sense to me to accept it with serenity, than to fight it, dwell on it, and never feel the peace of true acceptance.
I can say I've made significant progress on my journey to codependent recovery this year. I have made boundaries, and I have stuck to those boundaries even when it was extremely painful to do so.
I know I have a long road ahead of me still. But I can choose to walk this road with acceptance, serenity, and with my head up, looking forward, rather than looking back.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Childhood rules and Codependency???
I have been sucked back into old habits due to fear...again! Dang it!! I have lost control trying to gain control. I have become irrational and even hysterical over my fears. I have gotten my codependent undies in a bind, when I should have hung them out to dry!!
I keep coming back to the question, "where is this coming from? Why am I so anxious, panicked and out of control when I'm afraid? And why am I so afraid all the time?"
It seems that codependency, for me, sneaks up on me. I will do really well for a bit. Then, BAM! It's back and I didn't even see it coming! How do you stop something, when you don't know how it starts???
I did a little online research again (as I always do when I'm in this place), and I found something new. I thought I'd share it here, along with the site link.
Here is what stood out to me: "...codependency has expanded into a definition which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving developed during childhood by family rules."
Family rules??? What??? Families need rules, don't they?! Families need structure and boundaries...right?!
Let's read on...
There may have been some hypercritical behavior in my home, but if there was, I always thought it was meant for my improvement. For instance, when I was criticized, it was over my musical inabilities because so much was expected, not only from my parents, but also from those who knew my family. Also, I heard and saw quite a bit of back-biting between some family members, and it hurt ME to hear and see these things, even if they didn't involve me.
To this day, I can't accept a true compliment...I don't feel I've "earned" it. It's hard for me to accept my abilities because they are not perfect. I'm rarely satisfied with myself, and wonder what people "really" think of me...perfectionism is on the list of symptoms of codependency. So is distrust, controlling behavior, care-taking behavior, physical illness due to stress and HYPERVIGILANCE (a heightened awareness for potential threat/danger).
Hypervigilance? This is where my fear must be coming from...from this part of my codependency. And it started more in my childhood than I've ever thought to give credit for.
On the same site, I read the following, which was very helpful:
"General rules set-up within families that may cause codependency may include:
I keep coming back to the question, "where is this coming from? Why am I so anxious, panicked and out of control when I'm afraid? And why am I so afraid all the time?"
It seems that codependency, for me, sneaks up on me. I will do really well for a bit. Then, BAM! It's back and I didn't even see it coming! How do you stop something, when you don't know how it starts???
I did a little online research again (as I always do when I'm in this place), and I found something new. I thought I'd share it here, along with the site link.
Here is what stood out to me: "...codependency has expanded into a definition which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving developed during childhood by family rules."
Family rules??? What??? Families need rules, don't they?! Families need structure and boundaries...right?!
Let's read on...
"One of many definitions of codependency is: a set of *maladaptive, *compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing *great emotional pain and stress.
- *maladaptive - inability for a person to develop behaviors which get needs met.
- *compulsive - psychological state where a person acts against their own will or conscious desires in which to behave.
- *sources of great emotional pain and stress - chemical dependency; chronic mental illness; chronic physical illness; physical abuse; sexual abuse; emotional abuse; divorce; hypercritical or non-loving environment."
There may have been some hypercritical behavior in my home, but if there was, I always thought it was meant for my improvement. For instance, when I was criticized, it was over my musical inabilities because so much was expected, not only from my parents, but also from those who knew my family. Also, I heard and saw quite a bit of back-biting between some family members, and it hurt ME to hear and see these things, even if they didn't involve me.
To this day, I can't accept a true compliment...I don't feel I've "earned" it. It's hard for me to accept my abilities because they are not perfect. I'm rarely satisfied with myself, and wonder what people "really" think of me...perfectionism is on the list of symptoms of codependency. So is distrust, controlling behavior, care-taking behavior, physical illness due to stress and HYPERVIGILANCE (a heightened awareness for potential threat/danger).
Hypervigilance? This is where my fear must be coming from...from this part of my codependency. And it started more in my childhood than I've ever thought to give credit for.
On the same site, I read the following, which was very helpful:
"There are some natural and healthy behaviors mothers do with children that look like codependency. Are people mutually interdependent on each other? Yes. There is perhaps a continuum of codependency, that most people might fall on. Maybe this continuum exists because so many people are taught not to be assertive, or to ask directly for their needs to be met? We probably can't say though that everyone is codependent. Many people probably don't feel fulfilled because of other things going on in the system at large.
Anne Wilson Schaef believes the whole society is addicted; the object of addiction isn't the important issue, but rather that the environment sets us up to be addicted to something, i.e. food, sex, drugs, power, love addiction, etc.
If that is true, then all of us are either addicts or codependents. From this perspective, society produces a pattern making it hard not to be codependent. But it still doesn't change that we're not getting what we need and we're not feeling fulfilled. Then the question is, how do I become more fulfilled and feel better about myself and the life I'm living?"
I would love to hear your opinions on the following section:"General rules set-up within families that may cause codependency may include:
- It's not okay to talk about problems
- Feelings should not be expressed openly; keep feelings to yourself
- Communication is best if indirect; one person acts as messenger between two others; known in therapy as triangulation
- Be strong, good, right, perfect
- Make us proud beyond realistic expectations
- Don't be selfish
- Do as I say not as I do
- It's not okay to play or be playful
- Don't rock the boat.
Many families have one or more of these rules in place within the family. These kinds of rules can constrict and strain the free and healthy development of people's self-esteem, and coping. As a result, children can develop non-helpful behavior characteristics, problems solving techniques, and reactions to situations in adult life."
How do you feel about these "rules?" Honestly, in my religious culture, some of these "rules" are considered Christ like attributes, such as selflessness, or not being selfish. Also, being good...what's wrong with that?
I am eager to hear (or see) your thoughts on this! I will ponder on this as well, while I battle the issues staring my down right now, and I will try to connect the dots with these "rules." Are they playing a part in my inability to become completely undependent?
The site link: http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/codependency.htm
I am eager to hear (or see) your thoughts on this! I will ponder on this as well, while I battle the issues staring my down right now, and I will try to connect the dots with these "rules." Are they playing a part in my inability to become completely undependent?
The site link: http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/codependency.htm
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