I can say what I feel and still be a good person???

Communication is one of the most difficult things to learn to do it effectively! I am realizing too, after reading and trying to absorb ch. 17 in Codependent No More, that I am afraid of communicating! Now...that's healthy! :s
I am never confident enough with myself to just say what I am truly feeling. Melody believes, as I do, that this is a symptom of codependent behavior and the desire to fix and control rather than allow. I had never thought of communication in this light. I had always thought that somehow when I communicated that I was just being kind. Or even diplomatic. I never wanted to come across as rude or hurt other peoples feelings.
Somewhere along the line growing up, I learned that sharing your true feelings created defensive answers and guilt. So, I would try to say what I thought by skirting around the issue OR making it seem as though my feelings were fleeting and not as sincere as I really felt them. I have also apologize for FEELING before.
I love this section from Melody's book:
"Codependents are indirect. We don't say what we mean, we don't mean what we say. We don't do it on purpose. We do it because we've learned to communicate this way. At some point, either in our childhood or adult family, we learned it was wrong to talk about problems, express feelings, and express opinions. We've learned it was wrong to directly state what we want and need. It was certainly wrong to say no, and to stand up for ourselves. An alcoholic/[addict] will be glad to teach these rules; we have been willing to learn and accept them."
This describes me well. I don't feel its acceptable to think and feel what I do, let alone to share any of my thoughts and feelings. So I try to in a round about way. (That doesn't work...in case you were wondering.)
Melody states that we have to believe and trust in ourselves and what we are thinking and feeling and believe that they are important thoughts and feelings.
I think the other part of my problem is that I try to "fix" someone else's thinking if it's different than mine. I feel threatened or scared if we aren't in agreement. I can't exactly explain why. I don't like that I do that! I know that what I am thinking is true, for me. So it shouldn't matter if others agree with me or not.
"We don't have to be controlled by what other people say; we don't have to try to control them with our words and special effects. We don't have to be manipulated, guilted, coerced, or forced into anything. We can open our mouths and take care of ourselves! Learn to say: 'I love you, but I love me too. This is what I have to do to take care of me.
We can be assertive and stand up for ourselves without being abrasive or aggressive...we can show compassion and concern without rescuing. Learn to say 'I'm sorry you're having that problem.' Then let it go."
OH MAN! I need work on this SO much! I am trying to understand my fears and my beliefs that have been making it so difficult to communicate in a healthy way! I don't like communicating as a codependent. I don't like playing that game. I'm going to change this!
At the end of the chapter, Melody says this:
"We need to take responsibility for communication. Let our words reflect high self-esteem and esteem for others. Be honest. Be direct. Be open...In love and dignity, speak the truth-as we think, feel and know it-and it shall set us free."
I believe we all have enough pride that we can be offended easily, read into the words of others or get easily ruffled because there's no way we could be manipulative or indirect...right?!
I want to be a better listener too. I want to listen and not worry about fixing. Or what my next statement will be. Or how I can turn it around (that's more a subconscious thought...but anyway...).
I will be more aware of my inner guide and the Spirit of Truth. If there's truth to a statement about me or my behavior, I want to see it, so I can grow and become a better person. I will also be ready to state, without fear, my feelings, knowing that they are valid without needing the extra validation.
It's so clear that we can't change others, only ourselves. We can't control others, only ourselves. But we can love others, and ourselves.
I don't have to be around or put up with a negative, abusive person. I can say no. And I'm still a good person.
Huh...who'd have thought?