Over Heart...Over Mind

I haven't written for a very long while. Mostly because I have become so busy with school, mom stuff and dealing with the snowballs that life seems to throw my direction when I least expect them. But my lack of writing hasn't stemmed from the lack of thoughts I've had surrounding my recovery from codependency. Every day has brought it's challenges and I have faced them the best I know how. And, of course, I still learn from these daily experiences that I am still on a path to free myself from codependency, but have not reached the target destination yet. I will though. I am determined!
About a month ago I went through a new stage. Well...for me it was new. I have cycled through the many stages of loss over and over again but this is the first time I've felt so alone and disconnected from the rest of the world that I actually considered the many ways I could escape my life as I have come to know it.
I could logical ascertain that I was depressed. But this seemed beyond depression. It was as though Satan was determined to sabotage every tiny little thought I had that had a hint of happiness or light in it. I truly felt darkness I hadn't felt before.
I stopped praying. I stopped reading. I stopped trying.
Every thought was excruciating. I wanted it to stop so much. And yet I couldn't pin-point a certain cause. I couldn't figure out how to stop what I was feeling and thinking. I felt more out of control than ever before!
Now, as we codependents know, feeling out of control is not our cup-o-tea! For someone who was already struggling with letting go of control of others, I was now struggling to let go of control over my thoughts and feelings. Wait...what??? Aren't I the only one I can control? How do I let go of control over my own thoughts and feelings? That's crazy right?
Well...I've been thinking about this a lot, because the thoughts and feelings have significantly improved and the only thing that changed was my will to control even my own thoughts and feelings.
One night a couple weeks ago, I woke up from the most heinous dream. I won't go into detail, but it shook me and rattled me to tears! It was at that point that I realized I would go crazy if I continued to try to live in my head the way I was. That was the first night I decided to pray again in 2 weeks.
I opened my prayer and simply asked my Heavenly Father to help me let go of the control I was trying to have over my feelings and thoughts. I realized then that the feelings and thoughts I was having were about things I couldn't control in my life. I was going crazy thinking about them. And there was a LOT! I asked for Him to take my heart and my mind in His hands and help me feel and think the things I needed to in order to dispel the darkness that I was in.
I know that since then I have had divine help. At the same time, I realize that part of letting go and turning our will over to Heavenly Father means that we let go of "thinking" or "feeling" that we will ever have control of our addicts or our loved ones that have hurt us! I have let go of trying to make choices for people, or manipulating...but I haven't let go of feeling or thinking that I need control. Whew! What a concept!
If we truly are what we think, then I am still a codependent control freak! I need to be an un-dependent thinker, and finally get over thinking and feeling the need for control.
This will be hard. These thoughts and feelings are second nature for me. I have had them for a very long time.
I will do it though! It's the biggest step I feel I can take right now to letting go of control and truly trusting in and turning it all over to the Lord.