My "I"dentiy

I recently stumble upon a website about codependency, and while I felt that overall it was messy and hard to navigate, I did find one article interesting.
A portion of the article discussed the fact that codependents don't have their own identity. Here is a direct quote from the site:
"Codependents lack in self-perception and can only identify who they are through that of a second person. They manifest 'who they are' only through another's eyes, thoughts, or views of them...and without another they are unable to find their own identity. Codependents tend to latch onto partners because of this lack of being able to self-identify through themselves."
I was taken back! I knew I struggled with self esteem, and feeling loved. This helped explain that!
The article also talked about how self absorbed codependents are, and yet they feel like they do everything for everyone else...hmmm. Sounds familiar.
What I read was a good boost for me to take charge of my identity!
What do I like to do? What's my favorite food? What do I love to do? What do I want accomplish in life? What do I think about myself?
I realized some things that I have let go of, simply because I became so codependent on my spouse that I absorbed his interests and dis-interests that I had forgotten about them. Yet, there really was no reason to dismiss these things. They are a part of my upbringing...who I am, and what I used to enjoy as a part of my life. My independent life...no matter how small that independence may have been.
So, I have decided to once again, discover things I used to enjoy and find myself again! My "I"dentity!
I have been so afraid of being thought of as selfish that I haven't tried to really think of my own needs and desires. Because I let go of myself this way, I actually became more self absorbed and needy than I want to admit.
I sincerely hope to change all of that! I want to me! To know what I want, what's important, and what I really need, and not have any of it based on what I think others think of me and what they think is best for me! I have a brain, I will use it to think for myself!
My new favorite movie is The Blind Side, with Sandra Bullock. I have attached myself to her character! I love her independence and her self-confidence! She can be loving and firm at the same time! She is always standing up for her beliefs and she doesn't care what anyone else thinks. She knows who she is, and what is right! And she sticks to that! I admire this and hope to be more like this, since it rings true to who I feel I really am inside!
But, I won't be LeighAnn, I will be Sara! I will find my own strengths and my self confidence!
I will find my identity!

"The best medicine always tastes the worst."

I just finished a book called "The Same Kind of Different As Me." If you're looking for a great book to read that uplifts and inspires, this is a great book to read! It's not a book about codependency, but I learned a great deal about turning my life over to God and His will, and recognized true love and charity on behalf of the wife in the story. She was NOT codependent, and I want to be like her in SO many ways! She's an amazing woman for sure!!
I listened to this book on CD while traveling back from Wyoming today. Although I had my fun boys in the car (and they were actually very well behaved), it was a very lonely drive for me.
I had a lot of time to think about my life. My marriage. My family. My faith. My fears. And how much I hate semi trucks!
Over the weekend, I felt I did my best to let go and relinquish control. I wanted to "go with the flow" and feel at peace and be at ease about our difficult family situation right now.
Though I made a great effort, I allowed my fears to get the best of me and, at times, allowed my codependency to jump out scare everyone around me. I am not proud of myself.
However, I do feel that I learned a great deal about what is important, what isn't and what my part is.
In this book I mentioned above, one of the main characters in the story says that "the best medicine always tastes the worst." When I heard that, I actually started to cry. This statement seemed to sum up exactly what I have been feeling in the last year.
Although the struggles and trials can taste awful to the heart and soul, they are the best medicine we can have to learn and grow and gain the strength and courage we need to fight through them.
I know that this year away from my best friend and my companion will be very bitter tasting, and difficult to swallow. But I know that it will be the strengthening experience we need in our marriage.
The codependent part of me is so terrified of what "could" happen over the course of a year. All the what if questions start coming out and I get the anxious, overwhelming, out-of-control feeling that we all know so well. I start wondering what I can do to make sure that those things don't happen (ie, if I lose weight, if I get a tan, if I redecorate the house the way he likes it, if I grow out my hair...)and then I start to hate myself because I'm not being who I really am, I am trying to change myself in order to change or control an outcome that I really have no control over anyway. I lose myself. Then, luckily, I start to realize what I'm doing, and I say to myself, "I am a daughter of God. It's not about me, or my control. It's about His will. Let it go." Then, I say a prayer that I can feel the love of my Heavenly Father and the peace that His love brings, so that I can move forward, and let it go. I pray that I can recognize His will, and turn mine over to Him.
I had to do this at least 20 times on my drive home. Letting go and loving myself are not easy things for me to do. But, I know it's something that I will conquer through this experience!
Being so distant from my husband will prohibit me from leaning on him for emotional or mental support. Which, sadly, I have depended on too much in the past.
I will remember how to provide that support for myself with the help of my Heavenly Father, and I will be healthier for that.
So, even though I cry at night because I'm not use to emptiness of my room without my sweetheart, and I actually miss his snoring, I can be grateful for the crucial life lessons I am learning through the process, and I'll do my best to remember, that "the best medicine always tastes the worst."