"The best medicine always tastes the worst."

I just finished a book called "The Same Kind of Different As Me." If you're looking for a great book to read that uplifts and inspires, this is a great book to read! It's not a book about codependency, but I learned a great deal about turning my life over to God and His will, and recognized true love and charity on behalf of the wife in the story. She was NOT codependent, and I want to be like her in SO many ways! She's an amazing woman for sure!!
I listened to this book on CD while traveling back from Wyoming today. Although I had my fun boys in the car (and they were actually very well behaved), it was a very lonely drive for me.
I had a lot of time to think about my life. My marriage. My family. My faith. My fears. And how much I hate semi trucks!
Over the weekend, I felt I did my best to let go and relinquish control. I wanted to "go with the flow" and feel at peace and be at ease about our difficult family situation right now.
Though I made a great effort, I allowed my fears to get the best of me and, at times, allowed my codependency to jump out scare everyone around me. I am not proud of myself.
However, I do feel that I learned a great deal about what is important, what isn't and what my part is.
In this book I mentioned above, one of the main characters in the story says that "the best medicine always tastes the worst." When I heard that, I actually started to cry. This statement seemed to sum up exactly what I have been feeling in the last year.
Although the struggles and trials can taste awful to the heart and soul, they are the best medicine we can have to learn and grow and gain the strength and courage we need to fight through them.
I know that this year away from my best friend and my companion will be very bitter tasting, and difficult to swallow. But I know that it will be the strengthening experience we need in our marriage.
The codependent part of me is so terrified of what "could" happen over the course of a year. All the what if questions start coming out and I get the anxious, overwhelming, out-of-control feeling that we all know so well. I start wondering what I can do to make sure that those things don't happen (ie, if I lose weight, if I get a tan, if I redecorate the house the way he likes it, if I grow out my hair...)and then I start to hate myself because I'm not being who I really am, I am trying to change myself in order to change or control an outcome that I really have no control over anyway. I lose myself. Then, luckily, I start to realize what I'm doing, and I say to myself, "I am a daughter of God. It's not about me, or my control. It's about His will. Let it go." Then, I say a prayer that I can feel the love of my Heavenly Father and the peace that His love brings, so that I can move forward, and let it go. I pray that I can recognize His will, and turn mine over to Him.
I had to do this at least 20 times on my drive home. Letting go and loving myself are not easy things for me to do. But, I know it's something that I will conquer through this experience!
Being so distant from my husband will prohibit me from leaning on him for emotional or mental support. Which, sadly, I have depended on too much in the past.
I will remember how to provide that support for myself with the help of my Heavenly Father, and I will be healthier for that.
So, even though I cry at night because I'm not use to emptiness of my room without my sweetheart, and I actually miss his snoring, I can be grateful for the crucial life lessons I am learning through the process, and I'll do my best to remember, that "the best medicine always tastes the worst."