"The Only Way Out, Is Through"

I just finished reading the chapter in Codependent No More entitled, "Learn the Art of Acceptance."
It's funny, but somehow in my mind, I have been thinking this entire time that I have accepted the problems I face and the situation in life I am in.
I guess I thought I had accepted these things because I'm still here. I'm still dealing with them. If I couldn't accept them, I wouldn't be, right? Wrong.
In this chapter, Melody discusses in depth the 5 stages of grief, or the "forgiveness process," which I think is also a good way of describing it.
The process or stages are as follows (we've all heard them before, but here's a reminder):
1. Denial
Melody says in the book, that she's "convinced we do most of our codependent behaviors in this stage obsessing, controlling, repressing feelings." I think she's right! This is when I thought things like, "it's not as bad as other addictions" or "well, ____ isn't doing heroin or meth, so it's not like they're really on drugs."
Claudia L. Jewett, author of Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss, states "In times of great stress, we shut down our awareness emotionally, sometimes intellectualy, and occasionally physically. A built-in mechanism operates to screen out devastating information and to prevent us from becoming overloaded. Psychologists tell us denial is a conscious or unconscious defense that all of us use to avoid, reduce, or prevent anxiety when we are threatened. We use it to shut out our awareness of things that would be too disturbing to know."
Melody also defines denial this way: "Denial is the shock absorber for the soul.  It is an instinctive and natural reaction to pain, loss, and change.  It protects us. It wards off the blows of life until we can gather our other coping resources."
2. Anger
This is the stage I seem to revert back to most often. Sometimes my anger is justified, and sometimes it's VERY irrational and I vent it on anyone. This doesn't make me a very proud mom, and it doesn't make for very happy, secure children. This is the stage I am trying to overcome on a daily basis still. Even though I feel I've moved to acceptance, I still find myself moving back and forth frequently.
3. Bargaining
Sometimes, once my anger has fizzled and I realize that I'm getting no results from using it, I have tried to bargain. With God. With my addict. With myself even. This is an aweful stage to be in for me, because it is an unhealthy way to take more responsibility for what's happening than what we should. This is also a very codependent-driven stage, in my opinion.
I have often thought while in this stage, that if I had not said a certain thing, or had I just cleaned the house better, or had I just loved them more...this wouldn't be happening right now.
4. Depression
Melody refers to this stage as " the essence of grief: mourning at it's fullest." She says that this is the time to cry and let it hurt. And it does! This is also when we typically begin to humbly surrender to what's happening and our inability to control, fix, deny, bargain and change. This stage begins the real healing and letting ourselves feel what we need to feel to allow our "Higher Power" to take over and guide us through our depressive moments, days or years.
5. Acceptance
This is the final stage. The one I am reaching for right now.
I am very much NOT in denial anymore. I would have to be a complete, raving lunatic to try to deny what is right in front of me.
I am angry, but less often, and more often than not, I am angry with myself.
I know that bargaining won't work, and I also know now that no matter what I do or don't do, the addiction will only get better or worse according to the choices of the addict. Not me. Not my lack of cleaning or saying or doing.
I am depressed. But, I don't feel depressed to the point where I can't get up out of bed in the morning and I want to do away with myself.
The depression I feel is a sad, deep longing for what I always wanted, but that I am not sure I will ever have or see again. It's a very lonely feeling. I know I'm not alone...but I still feel that way most the time. I feel weak and I feel exhausted. I want to be able to relax and just feel secure for one day. Just one day.
I look at my kids and I think about how they will look back on their childhood. What will they remember most about me? Will they only remember that they saw me crying a lot? That I was sad? That our plans changed so much that they couldn't count on anything? Those are my fears for them and it makes me very sad for them! I hope they remember the good things that are in our lives right now. I pray that they will.
Acceptance is a bit of an awkward stage for me. I have always thought that if I accepted something, that it meant that I agreed with it. But, Melody quotes Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, who stated this: "Acceptance should not be mistaken for a happy stage. It is almost void of feelings. It is as if the pain has gone, the stuggle is over.." Melody continues: "We are at peace with what is. We are free to stay; free to go; free to make whatever decisions we need to make. We are free!...We have adjusted and reorganized...we stop running, ducking, controlling, and hiding...we know it is only from this point that we can go forward."
The review question/activity for this chapter was to look back over your life, and to think of all the significant losses you've experienced. To think about the grief process you had through those experiences.
Obviously, death is what comes to my mind first. I miss so many people terribly! My daddy, two brothers, a dear sister-in-law, a beautiful nephew, both sets of grandparents, many aunts, uncles, cousins and more.
I don't know that I ever felt anger through grieving over any of these losses, simply because I knew it would do no good. I knew that my Heavenly Father was in charge and that they were ok. They were happy and not having to deal with the chaos of this world and the pain their mortal bodies inflicted.
The grief process is so very different when you're losing your hopes and dreams. When the end is unknown and everything that you wanted or thought you'd have for your life's future is unknown. This grieving process is like losing the most meaningful and significant part of your life, over and over again, every day.
We all have our grief. Our losses. We all move through the stages of grief and the forgiveness process differently and in different time frames. But the most important this to remember is this: "The only way out, is through!"
We can all get through the stages of our losses! We can make it to the acceptance stage and be able to stand up, on our own, with our newly found un-dependence and be free! Free to choose and do as God would have us do and feel confident in knowing we are ok. We are not alone. We are loved. And life is good.

Feelings...

My emotions are running the gammot right now, so I probably shouldn't be writing about codependence. Especially since I am failing at the task of overcoming it at the moment!
Habits are grosely underestimated. Maybe some habits like, biting your nails (which I have overcome) or even drinking certain unhealthy beverages can be overcome with the "22 day rule."  But there are some habits that have been years in the making! Habits that seem to creep up on you and out of nowhere say "BOO! Remember me?" and then there's lots of catching up that goes on between you and your old habits.
I have spent so many nights on my knees. Cried so many heavy tears over the hurt and anguish I have felt in direct result of the addict in my life and their free agency....or their "habits."
How is addiction different from a habit, if there's a difference at all? Dont' we all have bad habits or things that we need to overcome? I do.
Do my bad habits hurt others or threaten harm? Do I become a different person when I am participating in them? Do my habits threaten the solidity of my family?
If the habit I'm referring to, for myself, is codependence...then I would have to honestly answer "yes" to the previous questions.
While a chemical addiction may be the "bad habit" of my loved one, mine is most assuradly being chronically codependent.
So, why is it so easy for me to see the faults in this person's habits/addiction, but mine seem justified and acceptable?
The answer, I believe, is that I attach my codependency to "feelings," which is easy since codependency is based almost totally on feelings.
Fear, anxiety, depression, lonliness, misery, anguish, despair.
So what if, let's say, that the addict in my life is once again stoned. And instead of allowing all the normal, habitual "feelings" to enter my heart, I thought of someone else who has experienced more pain, anxiety, depression, fear, lonliness, misery, anguish, and despair, beyond what I can even begin to comprehend? What would the Savior, who "suffered below them all" want me to feel for this person standing in front of me, for who's sins He has already atoned? Certainly it wouldn't be anger. Or fear. Or even despair.
It would be love. Compassion. Kindness. And above all, charity.
I may feel sorry for myself, and others may even feel sorry for the pain and suffering that seems to accompany addictions and bad habits. But the truth is, I deserve no pity. I deserve no sympathy. I choose to be where I am in my life.
I have no room to "cast stones" at anyone else in this life either. The habits and tendencies that I'm struggling with are difficult to overcome, and they seem simple compared to those who are stuggling with any kind of  addiction.
So, I will not judge others who are working so hard everyday to overcome such enormous amounts of evil that exist in this world. So, that would mean all of us. Everyone here on this earth.
I am sure this test of our existence is much more difficult than I was aware it would be. But, I am also sure that, though I knew that this life would be hard, and scary, and even exruciating at times, that my Savior would redeem us, and that He would make it possible for me to return home to our Heavenly Father. And if He could be willing to endure all that He did, for me, then I could endure whatever I had to, to make sure that His suffering was not in vain.
I love the addict in my life. More than I could begin to express in any form. But, I know that my Heavenly Father loves them more than even I can comprehend. So, this is where I have to, once again, let go...and let God.
I will work on and overcome my bad codependent habits, and I will be patient and loving with those around me who are struggling to overcome their habits/addictions.
I will allow God to work in their lives the way He needs to, as they allow it. And more importantly, I will allow Him to work in my life, the way He needs to, for me to learn and grow and progress into the things that He has in store for me.
Love. Compassion. Kindess. And above all, charity.

Unconditional love...for me?

First of all, I posted a link to a quiz that helps you determine if you may be codependent. My disclaimer is this: The quiz is titled "Are you a victim of codpendency?" I don't actually agree with the way that it's worded, or the even the whole content of the quiz, but some of the questions may open your eyes to some codependent behaviors.
The reason I don't agree with the wording, is because I don't believe we are "victims" of codependency.  It's a habit and we have the choice to change our codependent tendencies.  When I hear the word victim, I think of someone who has fallen subject to a situation that was not in their control.  Codependency is learned and acquired and lived out of desperation and/or habit. So...there's my opinion on that!
What I actually wanted to write about today, and express, is what's been on my mind this whole week.  Love. Unconditional love.
When I think of unconditional love, my thoughts turn to my family, both immediate and extended. I also think of my close friends. But over the course of this last week, my mind has wandered to thoughts of unconditional love not only for my family and friends, but for myself. 
What does unconditional love for myself mean? What does it require? Why is it so difficult for me to feel and comprehend sometimes?
So much of what I believe concerning this topic, is directly related to my spirituality! Everything in my life is directly related to my spirituality. So, it would be very difficult to express my thoughts and feelings on unconditional love if I left those important things out. I hope that those of you who may not totally agree with my spiritual views will be open and understanding to the principles shared, and that they are from my own perspective and life experiences.
To begin to answer the questions above, I started thinking about what my own thought processes are during the day. I realized, after paying closer attention to what I was thinking in repsonse to daily stress and situations, that I am extrememly hard on myself in regard to expectations I have of myself.
If I make even a simple mistake, I often wonder about my progress in life. I will berate myself and feel disappointed that I didn't do better, or I wish I had done it differently.
I will often hear a comment about how wonderful "so-and-so" is and how beautiful someone else is, or what a good, patient, loving mother and wife someone else is, and even though I know that I am not the same woman as any of these other women, and even though I have my own strengths and gifts, I tend to think that I should be doing what they are doing, or thinking the same way they think, or working out and eating the same diet as they do, so I can look as good as they do.
I was discussing this idea with my husband, and he had some great insights that he said I could share.

He said that he feels that the reason that we have a difficult time loving ourselves and forgiving ourselves, is because we know our every flaw, our intent, our feelings, our short-comings and our weaknesses, that most likely are not seen by those around us, with exception of our spouses and children. Even then, they do not know our thoughts or intimate feelings most the time.
When we do wrong, we feel it the hardest. When we hurt, we feel it deeply. We are more conscious and aware of ourselves and misgivings that anyone else. So, it's easier to see the good and best of others, rather than in ourselves.
I think he nailed it on the head! That's exactly what I do, at least!
While I understand that some of these thoughts may serve as motivation to do better in some areas, I am also keenly aware, that for me, most of the time, my thoughts go from "I could improve in that area" to getting very down on myself for not doing certain things, not having the time or energy to do the things I want to or should be doing, or I have even begun to think that every struggle I'm experiencing my life is because I was not enough in one way or another.
This is not healthy motivation. It is, of course, a form of codependency.
In the book, Codependent No More, there is a chapter entitled, "Have a Love Affair With Yourself." When I first read the title, I honestly almost totally skipped over it. It sounded selfish and didn't make sense to me how this could be a step to recovering from codependence. However, after I began reading the section, I realized that it was a key step to recovery. 
She mentions how we codependents tend to take responsibility for way more than is ours to take, and that as we do so, we tend to feel the weight of the responsibility that really isn't all ours. We start to blame ourselves for way too much. We even think that if we were someone else that the people we love wouldn't be hurting us the way they are.
As I read this, and totally connected with it, I realized that I have felt it was my duty not only to take responsiblity for my loved ones, but also, that I needed to save them, somehow. If I could save them and fix the problem, then I would be free from the weight of responsibility I had taken on. I would be able to be me, and do what I felt I needed to do.
It is amazing to me to look at myself now, from where I was even two months ago.
I was a miserable person. I thought I was doing just what I needed to do to gain control and move my life in the direction I wanted and needed it to go in.
Now, I realize that I am in control of NOTHING, aside from my own actions and how I choose to respond to difficulty, and choose to disagree with others.
I know I have mentioned this before in my posts, and I will mention it again, because I need to remind myself, but when we truly love ourselves, and know who we are, we will act differently and make different and better decisions in our lives.
Who are we then? Here's where the spirituality comes in...
Everyone has different beliefs, but mine are solid and I know that I am a literal spirit daughter of my Heavenly Father.  I know Him, and I know He loves me. He sent His only Begotten Son, Jesus Christ, to atone for my sins, so that I could return to live with Him again, and with my family, eternally in His presence.
When I am able to have this perspective in place, and I move forward in the day with this knowledge, I invariable have a remarkable day! I have made small, different choices than I would have normally made, and those choices have led me to feel the love of my Heavenly Father on a deeper level.
The bottome line for me, is that when I remember who I am, that I have the love of my Heavenly Father, then I feel more at peace with what I am able to do, and love myself in spite of my short-comings and struggles.
It has become so much easier for me to let go of my codependent behaviors as I have started to really allow myself to love myself.  I am slowing starting to see the goodness in me. The attributes that make me a great mom and the talents I am blessed with.
I am not perfect, and I'm sure that I won't be in this life. But I can be patient with myself. I can forgive myself and others. I can be gentle with myself and realize that I don't need to be someone else or take responsibility for someone else's short-comings. And most of all, I canvlove myself, unconditionally, when I remember who I truly am. That fact will never change. And it is the same for all of you! I know it!
God bless you all, and remember to love yourselves this week, for who YOU truly are!

Are You A Victim Of Codependency | Lifescript.com

Are You A Victim Of Codependency Lifescript.com

Forgiveness

I can't explain what happened today, except to say that I became the worst version of myself and terribly selfish!
All I could see was my pain, my fears, my frustrations and my feelings.  Even if I felt wronged, I had no right to become so totally hurtful and, yes, codependent.
I wanted control. I wanted the hurt to stop. I wanted to drain blood from a turnip.
I am hoping that I can be forgiven!
Forgiveness is something that is required of us all, and yet, so difficult to actually feel and do. I wonder at the process of actual forgiveness. Not just saying the words, "I'm sorry," or "I forgive you," but actually feeling the pangs and sting of betryal removed and released from my heart and mind. Have I truly forgiven if I cannot move forward? Have I truly forgiven if I bring up the hurt and betrayal when I'm angry? Have I truly forgiven, if I have not let go of the offense?
I do not believe that forgiveness requires us to continue to live with abuse or pain. I believe that we must forgive, not so much for the transgressors sake, but for ours.
These feelings of doubt and depression, anxiety and fear, are all tools that Satan uses to keep me from being able to forgive and move on in a healthy way.  He wants me to sit and stew and be miserable. He wants me to remember every horrible detail about every horrible event, so that I will feel despair and resentment. 
If I truly forgive someone that has hurt me, or betrayed me, or abused me, then the Adversary should have no room to help create doubt or fear. I would be able to say, "that hurt...a lot. But I have forgiven and I have moved on, and it will not affect my life that way anymore."
On the flip side, when I have asked forgiveness, after hurting someone or committing a wrong against them, it is my responsibility to never intentionally hurt or wrong that person in the same way again.
Why is this hard to do as well? When I know something hurts or it's wrong, why do I justify in my head somehow that it is deserved or warranted? It's crazy! And it's not right! I guess it all goes back to what I said before: That unless there is true remorse, and not just words, then the apology is heartless and insincere. 
I heard somewhere (can't recall now where it was), that instead of hearing or saying "I'm sorry!" It makes the biggest difference to say, "I was wrong! I shouldn't have (action). Next time I feel (emotion), I will not (previous action)."
I hope that all made sense. You'd think too that if I had heard that, and agreed with it, that I would have actually applied it today to my circumstance and prevented further heartache and stupidity.
I honestly don't know if I truly deserve forgiveness today from the person I hurt.  Sadly, it's not the first time I have hurt this person. But, I do know this: I was wrong! No matter what this person has said or done to me, or chosen to do that affects me negatively, I was wrong to act as I did.
Forgiveness is a gift. Only the one we have wronged can give it. It's not a gift to be taken for granted, but held tenderly and lovingly, keeping safe the heart that bore the gift not-so-easy-to bear.