Feelings...

My emotions are running the gammot right now, so I probably shouldn't be writing about codependence. Especially since I am failing at the task of overcoming it at the moment!
Habits are grosely underestimated. Maybe some habits like, biting your nails (which I have overcome) or even drinking certain unhealthy beverages can be overcome with the "22 day rule."  But there are some habits that have been years in the making! Habits that seem to creep up on you and out of nowhere say "BOO! Remember me?" and then there's lots of catching up that goes on between you and your old habits.
I have spent so many nights on my knees. Cried so many heavy tears over the hurt and anguish I have felt in direct result of the addict in my life and their free agency....or their "habits."
How is addiction different from a habit, if there's a difference at all? Dont' we all have bad habits or things that we need to overcome? I do.
Do my bad habits hurt others or threaten harm? Do I become a different person when I am participating in them? Do my habits threaten the solidity of my family?
If the habit I'm referring to, for myself, is codependence...then I would have to honestly answer "yes" to the previous questions.
While a chemical addiction may be the "bad habit" of my loved one, mine is most assuradly being chronically codependent.
So, why is it so easy for me to see the faults in this person's habits/addiction, but mine seem justified and acceptable?
The answer, I believe, is that I attach my codependency to "feelings," which is easy since codependency is based almost totally on feelings.
Fear, anxiety, depression, lonliness, misery, anguish, despair.
So what if, let's say, that the addict in my life is once again stoned. And instead of allowing all the normal, habitual "feelings" to enter my heart, I thought of someone else who has experienced more pain, anxiety, depression, fear, lonliness, misery, anguish, and despair, beyond what I can even begin to comprehend? What would the Savior, who "suffered below them all" want me to feel for this person standing in front of me, for who's sins He has already atoned? Certainly it wouldn't be anger. Or fear. Or even despair.
It would be love. Compassion. Kindness. And above all, charity.
I may feel sorry for myself, and others may even feel sorry for the pain and suffering that seems to accompany addictions and bad habits. But the truth is, I deserve no pity. I deserve no sympathy. I choose to be where I am in my life.
I have no room to "cast stones" at anyone else in this life either. The habits and tendencies that I'm struggling with are difficult to overcome, and they seem simple compared to those who are stuggling with any kind of  addiction.
So, I will not judge others who are working so hard everyday to overcome such enormous amounts of evil that exist in this world. So, that would mean all of us. Everyone here on this earth.
I am sure this test of our existence is much more difficult than I was aware it would be. But, I am also sure that, though I knew that this life would be hard, and scary, and even exruciating at times, that my Savior would redeem us, and that He would make it possible for me to return home to our Heavenly Father. And if He could be willing to endure all that He did, for me, then I could endure whatever I had to, to make sure that His suffering was not in vain.
I love the addict in my life. More than I could begin to express in any form. But, I know that my Heavenly Father loves them more than even I can comprehend. So, this is where I have to, once again, let go...and let God.
I will work on and overcome my bad codependent habits, and I will be patient and loving with those around me who are struggling to overcome their habits/addictions.
I will allow God to work in their lives the way He needs to, as they allow it. And more importantly, I will allow Him to work in my life, the way He needs to, for me to learn and grow and progress into the things that He has in store for me.
Love. Compassion. Kindess. And above all, charity.