Forgiveness

I can't explain what happened today, except to say that I became the worst version of myself and terribly selfish!
All I could see was my pain, my fears, my frustrations and my feelings.  Even if I felt wronged, I had no right to become so totally hurtful and, yes, codependent.
I wanted control. I wanted the hurt to stop. I wanted to drain blood from a turnip.
I am hoping that I can be forgiven!
Forgiveness is something that is required of us all, and yet, so difficult to actually feel and do. I wonder at the process of actual forgiveness. Not just saying the words, "I'm sorry," or "I forgive you," but actually feeling the pangs and sting of betryal removed and released from my heart and mind. Have I truly forgiven if I cannot move forward? Have I truly forgiven if I bring up the hurt and betrayal when I'm angry? Have I truly forgiven, if I have not let go of the offense?
I do not believe that forgiveness requires us to continue to live with abuse or pain. I believe that we must forgive, not so much for the transgressors sake, but for ours.
These feelings of doubt and depression, anxiety and fear, are all tools that Satan uses to keep me from being able to forgive and move on in a healthy way.  He wants me to sit and stew and be miserable. He wants me to remember every horrible detail about every horrible event, so that I will feel despair and resentment. 
If I truly forgive someone that has hurt me, or betrayed me, or abused me, then the Adversary should have no room to help create doubt or fear. I would be able to say, "that hurt...a lot. But I have forgiven and I have moved on, and it will not affect my life that way anymore."
On the flip side, when I have asked forgiveness, after hurting someone or committing a wrong against them, it is my responsibility to never intentionally hurt or wrong that person in the same way again.
Why is this hard to do as well? When I know something hurts or it's wrong, why do I justify in my head somehow that it is deserved or warranted? It's crazy! And it's not right! I guess it all goes back to what I said before: That unless there is true remorse, and not just words, then the apology is heartless and insincere. 
I heard somewhere (can't recall now where it was), that instead of hearing or saying "I'm sorry!" It makes the biggest difference to say, "I was wrong! I shouldn't have (action). Next time I feel (emotion), I will not (previous action)."
I hope that all made sense. You'd think too that if I had heard that, and agreed with it, that I would have actually applied it today to my circumstance and prevented further heartache and stupidity.
I honestly don't know if I truly deserve forgiveness today from the person I hurt.  Sadly, it's not the first time I have hurt this person. But, I do know this: I was wrong! No matter what this person has said or done to me, or chosen to do that affects me negatively, I was wrong to act as I did.
Forgiveness is a gift. Only the one we have wronged can give it. It's not a gift to be taken for granted, but held tenderly and lovingly, keeping safe the heart that bore the gift not-so-easy-to bear.