Today has been...one of those days. Again.
In trying to live by the adage of "one day at a time," I find myself looking back over the last year and really trying to see what each one of those days has added up to.
Are things getting any better? Am I getting any better? Is there still progress?
On days like today, I want to be someone else. Anyone else. Just not me. Not where I am. I know that this is a selfish point of view, because I am well aware that there are those that are worse off than I am in this world. I know that we each have our own share of heartache and disappointment.
So, maybe I'm having a bit of a pity party, but mostly I am trying (still) to understand how to keep going.
I still maintain that the past is to be learned from and not lived in. So, I hope I'm clear when I say that when I look back, I am trying to learn and distiguish what happened then, from what is happening now. I have nothing else to go on, except what has been.
On days like today, I wish I had a crytal ball. I wish I could look into that ball and see that all this heartache and long-suffering and anguish will be worth something someday. I'd like to know that my life won't continue down this path to see more disappointment and pain.
Unfortunately, I don't have a crystal ball. Some days, I don't even have hope. Somedays, I find myself gripped with loss and despair. This is not what I wanted for my life. I totally had other plans for my family.
On days like today, I find it entirely more difficult to step back, take a deep breath, love myself, and say, "tomorrow's a new day. I will let go and let God. I will have faith in His plan for my family."
Then, the really hard part for me: "I will love and accept my addict no matter what happens, or what they choose."
Like I've said before, this is the most difficult for me as a codependent because the addict in my life may not choose what I am most comfortable with. I may be forced to follow through on boundaries I've set for myself and my boys. And, truth be told, I'm a total fradey-cat when it comes to this part of the deal.
On days like this, I hope I can forget myself and be strong for those who have had no choice in this matter from the beginning: My beautiful boys.
I can take it one more day. One day at a time...on days like today.
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3 comments:
Seb-my heart goes out to you. I am sorry you were having one of those days yesterday. As you know, I was having one of those myself recently. I hope today looks brighter for you. I hope today holds more hope for you. I admire your strength and determination to keep things together and "normal" for your boys. I am here for you, praying for you, and hoping you know how much you are loved!
-Squish
Today WAS a better, brighter day. I love you lots too! This struggle is so much more about me than anyone else...and that's so hard to come to grips with some days. Well, most days it is. I am hopeful that I can continue to become more un-dependent and find myself amidst all this chaos. I am trying! I appreciate your love and constant support sis! mmmwah! :)
Sigh...I totally know what you mean by 'this is not what I wanted for my life' - not to say my life now is bad or anything. It isn't. It is actually great. But I fear that someday it won't be - and so I try to control everything as much as I can to make sure that my life goes just how I want it to. It is hard to think that our 'plans' just may never surface. But I DO believe and have hope that we will look back on our lives and be so happy and grateful for the way they unfolded and the lessons we learned that could not have been learned any other way. But to trust TODAY - that is my challenge.
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