"The Only Way Out, Is Through"

I just finished reading the chapter in Codependent No More entitled, "Learn the Art of Acceptance."
It's funny, but somehow in my mind, I have been thinking this entire time that I have accepted the problems I face and the situation in life I am in.
I guess I thought I had accepted these things because I'm still here. I'm still dealing with them. If I couldn't accept them, I wouldn't be, right? Wrong.
In this chapter, Melody discusses in depth the 5 stages of grief, or the "forgiveness process," which I think is also a good way of describing it.
The process or stages are as follows (we've all heard them before, but here's a reminder):
1. Denial
Melody says in the book, that she's "convinced we do most of our codependent behaviors in this stage obsessing, controlling, repressing feelings." I think she's right! This is when I thought things like, "it's not as bad as other addictions" or "well, ____ isn't doing heroin or meth, so it's not like they're really on drugs."
Claudia L. Jewett, author of Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss, states "In times of great stress, we shut down our awareness emotionally, sometimes intellectualy, and occasionally physically. A built-in mechanism operates to screen out devastating information and to prevent us from becoming overloaded. Psychologists tell us denial is a conscious or unconscious defense that all of us use to avoid, reduce, or prevent anxiety when we are threatened. We use it to shut out our awareness of things that would be too disturbing to know."
Melody also defines denial this way: "Denial is the shock absorber for the soul.  It is an instinctive and natural reaction to pain, loss, and change.  It protects us. It wards off the blows of life until we can gather our other coping resources."
2. Anger
This is the stage I seem to revert back to most often. Sometimes my anger is justified, and sometimes it's VERY irrational and I vent it on anyone. This doesn't make me a very proud mom, and it doesn't make for very happy, secure children. This is the stage I am trying to overcome on a daily basis still. Even though I feel I've moved to acceptance, I still find myself moving back and forth frequently.
3. Bargaining
Sometimes, once my anger has fizzled and I realize that I'm getting no results from using it, I have tried to bargain. With God. With my addict. With myself even. This is an aweful stage to be in for me, because it is an unhealthy way to take more responsibility for what's happening than what we should. This is also a very codependent-driven stage, in my opinion.
I have often thought while in this stage, that if I had not said a certain thing, or had I just cleaned the house better, or had I just loved them more...this wouldn't be happening right now.
4. Depression
Melody refers to this stage as " the essence of grief: mourning at it's fullest." She says that this is the time to cry and let it hurt. And it does! This is also when we typically begin to humbly surrender to what's happening and our inability to control, fix, deny, bargain and change. This stage begins the real healing and letting ourselves feel what we need to feel to allow our "Higher Power" to take over and guide us through our depressive moments, days or years.
5. Acceptance
This is the final stage. The one I am reaching for right now.
I am very much NOT in denial anymore. I would have to be a complete, raving lunatic to try to deny what is right in front of me.
I am angry, but less often, and more often than not, I am angry with myself.
I know that bargaining won't work, and I also know now that no matter what I do or don't do, the addiction will only get better or worse according to the choices of the addict. Not me. Not my lack of cleaning or saying or doing.
I am depressed. But, I don't feel depressed to the point where I can't get up out of bed in the morning and I want to do away with myself.
The depression I feel is a sad, deep longing for what I always wanted, but that I am not sure I will ever have or see again. It's a very lonely feeling. I know I'm not alone...but I still feel that way most the time. I feel weak and I feel exhausted. I want to be able to relax and just feel secure for one day. Just one day.
I look at my kids and I think about how they will look back on their childhood. What will they remember most about me? Will they only remember that they saw me crying a lot? That I was sad? That our plans changed so much that they couldn't count on anything? Those are my fears for them and it makes me very sad for them! I hope they remember the good things that are in our lives right now. I pray that they will.
Acceptance is a bit of an awkward stage for me. I have always thought that if I accepted something, that it meant that I agreed with it. But, Melody quotes Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, who stated this: "Acceptance should not be mistaken for a happy stage. It is almost void of feelings. It is as if the pain has gone, the stuggle is over.." Melody continues: "We are at peace with what is. We are free to stay; free to go; free to make whatever decisions we need to make. We are free!...We have adjusted and reorganized...we stop running, ducking, controlling, and hiding...we know it is only from this point that we can go forward."
The review question/activity for this chapter was to look back over your life, and to think of all the significant losses you've experienced. To think about the grief process you had through those experiences.
Obviously, death is what comes to my mind first. I miss so many people terribly! My daddy, two brothers, a dear sister-in-law, a beautiful nephew, both sets of grandparents, many aunts, uncles, cousins and more.
I don't know that I ever felt anger through grieving over any of these losses, simply because I knew it would do no good. I knew that my Heavenly Father was in charge and that they were ok. They were happy and not having to deal with the chaos of this world and the pain their mortal bodies inflicted.
The grief process is so very different when you're losing your hopes and dreams. When the end is unknown and everything that you wanted or thought you'd have for your life's future is unknown. This grieving process is like losing the most meaningful and significant part of your life, over and over again, every day.
We all have our grief. Our losses. We all move through the stages of grief and the forgiveness process differently and in different time frames. But the most important this to remember is this: "The only way out, is through!"
We can all get through the stages of our losses! We can make it to the acceptance stage and be able to stand up, on our own, with our newly found un-dependence and be free! Free to choose and do as God would have us do and feel confident in knowing we are ok. We are not alone. We are loved. And life is good.