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co.de.pen.dence (co.di.pen´.dens) n. [root ME. dependaunce <> Also written co-dependence. The condition or fact of being codependent; specifically, a) tendency to place the needs and wants of others first and to the exclusion of acknowledging one's own, b) continued investment of self-esteem in the ability to control both oneself and others, c) anxiety and boundary distortions relating to intimacy and separation, d) difficulty expressing feelings, e) excessive worry how others may respond to one's feelings, f) undue fear of being hurt and/or rejected by others, g) self-esteem dependent on approval by others, h) tendency to ignore own values and attempt to adhere to the values of others.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

What is real strength?

I have spent many months trying to be what I thought was strong. I'm not quite sure I knew what it really meant to be strong . But, I think I am finally seeing what true strength is.
I have thought that strength was being willing and able to do something that was difficult, while doing my best to be positive and have faith. I think that maybe this is still partly my idea of strength, but I guess what's changed is that it is has taken a very real strength to let go, move forward, and allow Heavenly Father to take what's damaged and mold it and make it into whatever it needs to be.
My personality is such that I will avoid conflict and contention and I'm afraid of letting others know that they've hurt me. But as a codependent, I will try to manipulate and guilt. I know that probably doesn't make sense, but it is what I have been doing for a very long time.
Today, I was presented with a situation that has occured many, many times. Yet, I actually was able to step back, allow myself to hurt and be sad, and then follow through on a very difficult consequence (if you can call it that) that I have in the past been too weak to follow through on. This is where I always thought I was being strong, but I wasn't.
It took more strength for me today to make the decision that I did, than it ever took for me to try to codependetly work through it.
My boundaries were set. They were crossed. I actually followed through on what I said would have to happen. And although I sit here in tears, and I am hurting and sad, I have a peace in my heart. I know that this is what is necessary for healing to truly begin...if healing is chosen.
I know I will struggle with codependency as I continue to recover, but today I feel I'm made my first, truly un-dependent, loving and productive decision I have made since I discovered my codependency.
I am hopeful and prayerful that the results will be for the benefit of everyone involved.
Nothing in my heart has changed. And it never will.
I am ready to be healthy and give up trying to help or change things that I really have no control over, and just...love. I just hope that it gets easier as time goes on. But I guess only time will tell...
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