Stop 'SHOULDING" all over yourself!

About a year ago, I had determined to write on this blog once a week. Then, as my life turned from sideways to completely upside-down, it seemed every moment of what little thought and time I had, went into trying to simply manage life, and survive. I'm sure you understand this....

The older I get, the less I know. However, one thing is constant and sure regardless of how much my knowledge decreases every year: Life has a way of sneaking up on you, and bringing to pass things that you never expected; things you  never wanted to experience or thought you would. It leaves you gasping for air, asking all kinds of questions, that ultimately pull you back to one singular truth: You are not alone nor are you exempt from life's experiences. Good or bad.

Look around and you'll notice everyone going through something in their own life that is significant to them. If you know someone who seems to have no struggles, no hardships, no trials or problems, then they are just exceptional at hiding them. EVERYONE is struggling.

I think it's easy to assume we are alone in our anguish. Mostly because we live in a world of constant comparison! We have been taught by media and society to look "outside" us to find what is "right" or what is "acceptable." We have slowly been brainwashed to believe that if we struggle or express our fears, that we are weak; that vulnerability is unattractive. It's all hogwash.

Over the last year I've ached and cried as a struggling son dealt with suicidal thoughts and feelings. I consoled my boys when their father overdosed. I struggled with my own insecurities and fears as I was consistently confronted with my PSTD symptoms. I had former friends and colleagues childishly target my new business for vandalism. They also lied about my character and work ethic. And most recently (as in days recent) have been struggling intensely to deal with the tragic and sudden death of a very dear client and close friend who was killed in a horrific ATV accident. 
Through all of these experiences, I found myself constantly comparing myself, my feelings, my thoughts....all of it. "How SHOULD I feel? How SHOULD I respond? I SHOULD be stronger than this!"  should...should....SHOULD. I'm living by a new motto:

"Stop "shoulding" all over yourself!"

I AM who I am because of what I've experienced, and what I feel is exactly what I need to feel to be able to process and heal and move forward!

So, while I used to feel like I "should" be writing on this page way more often, or I "should" be dealing with my struggles differently, the truth is I don't care anymore!!

Maybe I sound callus, or hard of heart. But when you've felt everything so intensely...down to your core...and you wear so much emotion around-belonging to you and others- because your empathic personality and codependency starts running things, you get to a point where you say NO MORE!

A lack of boundaries, even within myself, causes me to finally reach a point where I fall to my knees and cry "uncle!"

I have to let go of all the "SHOULDS!" I have to allow myself to be, and feel, and experience everything I am, exactly as I am. It's OK to not be OK! I can hurt and cry! I can ask for help! I can take all the time I need to be single before dating again (my personal favorite)!! The only rules that exist, are the ones I create.

I hope that as I start to shed the "shoulds" that I will find bits of myself again. The bits of myself that used to love me for who I am, and not what I thought I "should" be.