It's 17th Century Greek origin means "wound." The definitions range, but here is the basic definition:
1. a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. A personal trauma like the death of a child.
-emotional shock following a stressful event or a physical injury, which may be associated with physical shock and sometimes leads to long-term neurosis.
2. physical injury. The synonyms say much more for the depth of this word and it's meanings:
Shock, upheaval, distress, stress, strain, pain, anguish, suffering, upset, agony, misery, sorrow, grief, heartache, heartbreak, torture....
The point? We all experience trauma. Every one of us. In different ways, at different times in our lives, we ALL experience this word and it's meaning for us! And though every circumstance and situation is different, the effect trauma has on us is not very different at all.
While we all experience different levels of stress, the stress still impacts us all in much the same ways. We may have a hard time sleeping, eating and concentrating. These are broad and basic. However, the stress that money issues causes vs. stress from finding out your child has been lying to you, are going to be manifested differently, and will effect your life in different ways.
With trauma, I've found that those who have experienced trauma in a car accident, with health problems, death of loved ones and loss of income or job stability understand trauma differently than the trauma of any form of abuse, addictions, abandonment and fleeing for your life. However, it brings us all to our knees. It forces us to question our core beliefs, and it tests our faith and strength. We all end up struggling to find our way out of the fog of trauma, and we can pinpoint the exact moments and emotions associated with our traumatic experiences with significant accuracy and detail.
For me, my personal trauma- that I'm continuing to overcome- stems from events that happened during my former marriage. There was a significant amount of deceit, addiction and all that comes with that, severe abuse (directed not only at me, but my little boys at the time), infidelity, abandonment and finally, fear for my own life, and the lives of my boys.
There's no way to explain how all this manifest or why. The more I have tried to understand it all, the more confused, angry, resentful and sad I become.
It is what it is.
What's difficult at THIS point is moving forward with out fear!
I love this quote because it's an exact representation of my thinking.
The aftermath of the trauma, and the PTSD that I now struggle with, keep me in a very small and confined box. This box is my place of safety, and I know what I can count on here. I don't really want to leave the box, except that I can see that it's not only keeping things out...but it's keeping things in! Things that I need to let go of and move on from, and won't be able to without removing the box.
The biggest and scariest thing outside my comfy box, is the world of love and relationships. Ugh.....just saying this out loud (well....out loud online) makes me cringe.
I KNOW the baggage I carry. I KNOW that the most perfect male person on the planet could offer love and safety and acceptance and the issues I have would still be here, because they are attached to ME! Sadly, no matter what a new relationship might bring that would be positive and wonderful, there are these demons that I'm trying to get rid of that would keep me from being able to see and believe that any of it is real. The thoughts would come...."you've heard lies before that you were sure were truth." " You have no proof that they aren't going to use you and up and leave you as soon as they get what they want." "They aren't in it for the long haul....why would you be worth that?" "They don't know the real you, and once they do and they see they won't want you anymore." "Love is about loss. It requires that you give up who you are and your safety and sanity."
See how fun it is to be in my head? LOL
Here's what I also know:
That I am a survivor!!! That I can be brave and strong and keep going even when I feel the weight of everything on my shoulders alone!
I know that I AM lovable....and can love again, when the time is right.
I know that I will trust the right man to love ALL the bits and pieces of me that are still being put back together.
I know that I have done my best to heal, and move forward in my own time. I haven't always gone about it in the most healthy ways....but I have learned that I can make stupid bonehead choices and be forgiven by my Heavenly Father.
I know that my boys are the best examples to me of endurance, forgiveness, faith and perseverance! They also have an incredible amount of patience with their mamma!
The longer I am single (it's been almost 5 years now), the more often I get comments about finding a good man, or offers for blind date setups or the "you should meet so and so" lines. And as much as I love the people who care this much about me and my relationship well being, I also wish I could explain just how much I appreciate not NEEDING to be in a relationship.
As a recovering codependent the best gift I can give myself, or my future husband, is to NOT need to be with him. But to look and find him when I can give my best, healthiest self to him. And WANT to trust and believe in him. I will be able to because I will KNOW he loves all of me.
I can't say when, or how it will happen. But I am coming out of my box. Slowly. And I will be open to, and ready for my new way of life, and the sharing of it with someone I know is meant for me, and my boys.
