I am afraid that I've been too personal and honest in my posts, and I hope I haven't offended or discouraged anyone. If I have, I apologize. I am only trying to be a voice of truth and offer the simple realization that those of us struggling with loved ones who are addicted or suffer from depression are not alone. Our feelings and fears are valid. And while I know we are none of us alike and our situations are as different as they are the same, I know that everyone with these challenges feels loss. Feels...hopelessness and sorrow. And then struggles against the heavy weight of it all to find hope and faith.
I know that we all have our days when we want to be done. When we want to give up and give in to our fears and our anger. When we have given ALL we even know how to give, and it still isn't enough.
I also know, that we have put our hearts and our emotional health in the hands of everyone else, and we are trying to salvage and regain them in order to heal.
My experiences are not yours. But I hope that you will find even just a hint of encouragement in the knowledge that we are all trying to accomplish our own un-dependence.
Thanks for following what, for me, has been a difficult learning experience.
I am learning so much about myself by being able to share my feelings and experiences here.
I will keep writing, for me, and hope that in the process you will feel welcomed into the realm of my journey to recovery from my codependence. I am sure it will take more time than I would like, but I will continue down this path to emotional integrity and freedom from my need to control.
Here's to another day of letting go, and having faith.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Lost...and Found
Perhaps I shouldn't be updating a blog that is focused on something that I clearly cannot master, or even attempt to achieve right now. But, if you'll allow me a place to grieve and think out loud, I am hopeful that it will help me...?
Living with an addict is like walking a swaying tight rope. But living with an addict who also happens to be Bi-polar, is like living with Jekyll and Hyde who are both addicts. You never know what side you will get or even if the side you will get will be coherent.
This is my current situation.
I'm not looking for a pity party, or a way to feel sorry for myself.
I choose to be where I am.
For now.
There are so many parts of me that want to give up. Then, there are the parts of me that know I will live with regret and sorrow for the rest of my life if I do. I am stuck in limbo.
I don't want to fight anymore. I am exhausted. My doctor recently told me that if I don't relax and de-stress my life, I will become extremely ill because my adrenals are so severely fatigued that I can hardly function anymore without anxiety and panic.
In spite of my current home situation, I am doing my best to overcome the stress and fatigue that want to follow me around where ever I go.
No matter how close I think I've come to letting go, or to stepping back and relinquishing control, somehow I always snap back to this horrible, unsettling place. I don't want to be here, and I think "I must be doing something wrong!" I know that I am doing things wrong and that I won't get things totally figured out in this lifetime or get anywhere near perfection...but I hoped I would make more progress than I seem to have made at this point.
I have no desire to move forward. None. And for the first time, I feel at peace with letting the "chips fall where they may." But I am reminded that this is not just about me. There are others who would suffer from my refusal to continue on this path.
The scripture that comes to mind is in D&C 123:17: section 123: “Therefore … let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed."
Cheerfully??? Really??? Certainly this doesn't apply to me...to my heartache and sorrow...
I know it does.
My "problems" significantly pale in comparison to Joseph Smith's when this was his answer to a heartfelt prayer. Surely, if he submitted to do 'cheerfully' what he could in his life, under such awful conditions and tremendous sorrow...then I must absolutely do my best to do so as well!
My heart is broken. My trust gone. My hope is dwindling. I ache and cry and yearn for peace, and an end to the suffering of my family. But I cannot change anything. The Lord can. He can soften any heart, including my own.
I hope to cheerfully submit to His will and to all that I can do, and continue to seek a righteous desire to press forward through this trial. I know I am not alone. You are not alone. Even when it's darkest and our tears are falling heavily.
I am comforted by this knowledge and I am grateful for the many blessings I do have.
Thank you for allowing me to express my deepest feelings without judgement. I pray for all of us who are seeking peace and the ability to let go and turn it over to our Savior and Heavenly Father.
May He bless you all.
Living with an addict is like walking a swaying tight rope. But living with an addict who also happens to be Bi-polar, is like living with Jekyll and Hyde who are both addicts. You never know what side you will get or even if the side you will get will be coherent.
This is my current situation.
I'm not looking for a pity party, or a way to feel sorry for myself.
I choose to be where I am.
For now.
There are so many parts of me that want to give up. Then, there are the parts of me that know I will live with regret and sorrow for the rest of my life if I do. I am stuck in limbo.
I don't want to fight anymore. I am exhausted. My doctor recently told me that if I don't relax and de-stress my life, I will become extremely ill because my adrenals are so severely fatigued that I can hardly function anymore without anxiety and panic.
In spite of my current home situation, I am doing my best to overcome the stress and fatigue that want to follow me around where ever I go.
No matter how close I think I've come to letting go, or to stepping back and relinquishing control, somehow I always snap back to this horrible, unsettling place. I don't want to be here, and I think "I must be doing something wrong!" I know that I am doing things wrong and that I won't get things totally figured out in this lifetime or get anywhere near perfection...but I hoped I would make more progress than I seem to have made at this point.
I have no desire to move forward. None. And for the first time, I feel at peace with letting the "chips fall where they may." But I am reminded that this is not just about me. There are others who would suffer from my refusal to continue on this path.
The scripture that comes to mind is in D&C 123:17: section 123: “Therefore … let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed."
Cheerfully??? Really??? Certainly this doesn't apply to me...to my heartache and sorrow...
I know it does.
My "problems" significantly pale in comparison to Joseph Smith's when this was his answer to a heartfelt prayer. Surely, if he submitted to do 'cheerfully' what he could in his life, under such awful conditions and tremendous sorrow...then I must absolutely do my best to do so as well!
My heart is broken. My trust gone. My hope is dwindling. I ache and cry and yearn for peace, and an end to the suffering of my family. But I cannot change anything. The Lord can. He can soften any heart, including my own.
I hope to cheerfully submit to His will and to all that I can do, and continue to seek a righteous desire to press forward through this trial. I know I am not alone. You are not alone. Even when it's darkest and our tears are falling heavily.
I am comforted by this knowledge and I am grateful for the many blessings I do have.
Thank you for allowing me to express my deepest feelings without judgement. I pray for all of us who are seeking peace and the ability to let go and turn it over to our Savior and Heavenly Father.
May He bless you all.
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