Perhaps I shouldn't be updating a blog that is focused on something that I clearly cannot master, or even attempt to achieve right now. But, if you'll allow me a place to grieve and think out loud, I am hopeful that it will help me...?
Living with an addict is like walking a swaying tight rope. But living with an addict who also happens to be Bi-polar, is like living with Jekyll and Hyde who are both addicts. You never know what side you will get or even if the side you will get will be coherent.
This is my current situation.
I'm not looking for a pity party, or a way to feel sorry for myself.
I choose to be where I am.
For now.
There are so many parts of me that want to give up. Then, there are the parts of me that know I will live with regret and sorrow for the rest of my life if I do. I am stuck in limbo.
I don't want to fight anymore. I am exhausted. My doctor recently told me that if I don't relax and de-stress my life, I will become extremely ill because my adrenals are so severely fatigued that I can hardly function anymore without anxiety and panic.
In spite of my current home situation, I am doing my best to overcome the stress and fatigue that want to follow me around where ever I go.
No matter how close I think I've come to letting go, or to stepping back and relinquishing control, somehow I always snap back to this horrible, unsettling place. I don't want to be here, and I think "I must be doing something wrong!" I know that I am doing things wrong and that I won't get things totally figured out in this lifetime or get anywhere near perfection...but I hoped I would make more progress than I seem to have made at this point.
I have no desire to move forward. None. And for the first time, I feel at peace with letting the "chips fall where they may." But I am reminded that this is not just about me. There are others who would suffer from my refusal to continue on this path.
The scripture that comes to mind is in D&C 123:17: section 123: “Therefore … let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed."
Cheerfully??? Really??? Certainly this doesn't apply to me...to my heartache and sorrow...
I know it does.
My "problems" significantly pale in comparison to Joseph Smith's when this was his answer to a heartfelt prayer. Surely, if he submitted to do 'cheerfully' what he could in his life, under such awful conditions and tremendous sorrow...then I must absolutely do my best to do so as well!
My heart is broken. My trust gone. My hope is dwindling. I ache and cry and yearn for peace, and an end to the suffering of my family. But I cannot change anything. The Lord can. He can soften any heart, including my own.
I hope to cheerfully submit to His will and to all that I can do, and continue to seek a righteous desire to press forward through this trial. I know I am not alone. You are not alone. Even when it's darkest and our tears are falling heavily.
I am comforted by this knowledge and I am grateful for the many blessings I do have.
Thank you for allowing me to express my deepest feelings without judgement. I pray for all of us who are seeking peace and the ability to let go and turn it over to our Savior and Heavenly Father.
May He bless you all.
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1 comment:
This post totally resonated with me. I'm struggling in my marriage and have been for 10 years. I too suffer from anxiety, stress, and a slew of other health issues. I have left my husband twice now, for a very short time. I don't know if we will last but I feel like I really have to give it my all or I will forever regret it. I felt so much peace with that decision. Thank you for your words. They sure do help!
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