Childhood rules and Codependency???

I have been sucked back into old habits due to fear...again! Dang it!! I have lost control trying to gain control. I have become irrational and even hysterical over my fears. I have gotten my codependent undies in a bind, when I should have hung them out to dry!!
I keep coming back to the question, "where is this coming from? Why am I so anxious, panicked and out of control when I'm afraid? And why am I so afraid all the time?"
It seems that codependency, for me, sneaks up on me. I will do really well for a bit. Then, BAM! It's back and I didn't even see it coming! How do you stop something, when you don't know how it starts???
I did a little online research again (as I always do when I'm in this place), and I found something new. I thought I'd share it here, along with the site link.
Here is what stood out to me: "...codependency has expanded into a definition which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving developed during childhood by family rules."
Family rules??? What??? Families need rules, don't they?! Families need structure and boundaries...right?!
Let's read on...

"One of many definitions of codependency is: a set of *maladaptive, *compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing *great emotional pain and stress.

• *maladaptive - inability for a person to develop behaviors which get needs met.
• *compulsive - psychological state where a person acts against their own will or conscious desires in which to behave.
• *sources of great emotional pain and stress - chemical dependency; chronic mental illness; chronic physical illness; physical abuse; sexual abuse; emotional abuse; divorce; hypercritical or non-loving environment."

Now, I'm really confused! For the most part, my childhood doesn't point to one of these behaviors...but there was a very good amount of emotional pain and stress. I've mentioned before the loss of my father, two brothers, a sister-in-law, a nephew and grandparents. Not to mention the number of divorces my family has endured (these have affected EVERYONE in our family to a degree, even though some would not admit to it). THIS makes sense to me.
There may have been some hypercritical behavior in my home, but if there was, I always thought it was meant for my improvement. For instance, when I was criticized, it was over my musical inabilities because so much was expected, not only from my parents, but also from those who knew my family. Also, I heard and saw quite a bit of back-biting between some family members, and it hurt ME to hear and see these things, even if they didn't involve me.
To this day, I can't accept a true compliment...I don't feel I've "earned" it. It's hard for me to accept my abilities because they are not perfect. I'm rarely satisfied with myself, and wonder what people "really" think of me...perfectionism is on the list of symptoms of codependency. So is distrust, controlling behavior, care-taking behavior, physical illness due to stress and HYPERVIGILANCE (a heightened awareness for potential threat/danger).
Hypervigilance? This is where my fear must be coming from...from this part of my codependency. And it started more in my childhood than I've ever thought to give credit for.
On the same site, I read the following, which was very helpful:

"There are some natural and healthy behaviors mothers do with children that look like codependency. Are people mutually interdependent on each other? Yes. There is perhaps a continuum of codependency, that most people might fall on. Maybe this continuum exists because so many people are taught not to be assertive, or to ask directly for their needs to be met? We probably can't say though that everyone is codependent. Many people probably don't feel fulfilled because of other things going on in the system at large.

Anne Wilson Schaef believes the whole society is addicted; the object of addiction isn't the important issue, but rather that the environment sets us up to be addicted to something, i.e. food, sex, drugs, power, love addiction, etc.

If that is true, then all of us are either addicts or codependents. From this perspective, society produces a pattern making it hard not to be codependent. But it still doesn't change that we're not getting what we need and we're not feeling fulfilled. Then the question is, how do I become more fulfilled and feel better about myself and the life I'm living?"

I would love to hear your opinions on the following section:
"General rules set-up within families that may cause codependency may include:

• It's not okay to talk about problems
• Feelings should not be expressed openly; keep feelings to yourself
• Communication is best if indirect; one person acts as messenger between two others; known in therapy as triangulation
• Be strong, good, right, perfect
• Make us proud beyond realistic expectations
• Don't be selfish
• Do as I say not as I do
• It's not okay to play or be playful
• Don't rock the boat.

Many families have one or more of these rules in place within the family. These kinds of rules can constrict and strain the free and healthy development of people's self-esteem, and coping. As a result, children can develop non-helpful behavior characteristics, problems solving techniques, and reactions to situations in adult life."

How do you feel about these "rules?" Honestly, in my religious culture, some of these "rules" are considered Christ like attributes, such as selflessness, or not being selfish. Also, being good...what's wrong with that?
I am eager to hear (or see) your thoughts on this! I will ponder on this as well, while I battle the issues staring my down right now, and I will try to connect the dots with these "rules." Are they playing a part in my inability to become completely undependent?
The site link: http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/codependency.htm