I'm not even sure I should be writing on this blog today, because it's abundantly clear that I have failed my attempts to overcome my codependency...
Despite my most valiant attempts, here I am today feeling the weight of my failure. I am losing the battle.
Why is hind sight always 20/20?
I can look back over the last year and clearly see the codependent monster I have been. It's ugly. I am ashamed and embarrassed.
While I have made small improvements in the areas that I have written of and studied about. It has not been enough. I have not done enough. Changed enough. Loved enough.
I am pleading with the Lord for strength and comfort. It is always a difficult thing to be faced with my own mistakes and faults and pride. I have been humbled. I can now see.
I am so sorry. So very, very sorry.

When your tender heart is broken,
and your soul longs to forget,
When your face is red and stained
with the cold tears of regret.
When it seems no more
that love you'll find,
In the lonely grasp
of life unkind.
I'll take you in my loving arms,
and calm your anguished cries.
Until your heart emerges,
from the deep sea of goodbyes.

I CAN think!!

I have been going non-stop and my mind and my body have been feeling so exhausted and overwhelmed that I have been feeling incapable of functioning at a normal, healthy level.
Due to the fact that I have been so very tired and busy, I have neglected to read again out of my favorite book, Codependent No More.
Feeling the desperate need tonight to understand my own mind, I sat down and opened up to chapter 15. The title made me laugh, considering my condition mentioned above.
The title is "Yes, you can think!"
I knew I needed this chapter!!
Melody described my self taught inability to trust my own decisions. She explained that many codependents have "lost faith in their ability to think and reason things out." She says "believing lies, lying to ourselves, chaos, stress, low self-esteem, and a stomach full of repressed emotions may cloud our ability to think. We become confused. That doesn't mean we can't think."
I cannot believe how much I could relate to this!
I have also been so overwhelmed with thinking that I would make a "wrong" choice and not ever have another chance to make a good choice again.
It sounds silly to write that down, when I think about it, but it really is how I have been thinking.
I have been second guessing most of my decisions or just avoiding decisions all together.
I thought that Melody's suggestions for gaining confidence in our mental abilities was so great, that I wanted to share them here. I hope you don't mind...
It's a bit of reading, and typing for me, but well worth it! Here it is:
1-Treat our minds to some peace: "If we're facing a decision, big or small, get peaceful first, then decide. Wait until our minds are consistent.  If we absolutely can't make a decision on a particular day, then it's obviously not time to make that decision. When it is time, we'll be able to do it. And do it well."
(This is a big eye-opener for me. I have made snap decisions thinking that I needed to do something fast. But, in the end, most of those snap decisions were not wise. I like this idea a LOT!)
2-Ask God to help us think-"Every morning, I ask Him to give me the right thought, word, or action.  I ask Him so send His inspiration and guidance.  I ask Him to help me solve my problems. I believe He does help. I know He does. But He expects me to do my part and think. Some days go better than others."
( I too have pleaded with the Lord for help to know how to productively respond to the day and situations that will arise. I would also add that reading scriptures or the 12 step manual also helps to put my mind into the correct frame of reference to handle what normally would be a reactive, codependent situation, as a calm, strong, independent, caring person. I know that the only way I have made it through my toughest days has been through the help of my Heavenly Father and my Savior.)
3-Quit abusing our minds-"Worry and obsession constitute mental abuse. Stop doing those things."
(I love how short and to-the-point this one is. Just don't do it. Hmmm....alrighty then. I'll stop.)
4-Feed our minds-"Give our minds information we need about problems and decisions, whether that problem is overeating, alcoholism, relationships, or how to buy a computer. Give our minds a reasonable amount of data, then let them sort through things. We will come up with good answers and solutions."
(In other words...read this book. Melody's book has helped me immensely!)
5-Feed our minds healthy thoughts-"Indulge in activities that uplift our thoughts and give us a postitive charge. Read a meditation book every morning. Find something that leaves us saying 'I can,' instead of 'I can't.'
(I need to work on this one. But I believe positive self-talk is very powerful. I want to do better at this one!)
6-Stretch our minds-"Many of us become so concerned about our problems and other people's problems that we stop reading newspapers, watching documentaries, reading books, and learning new things. Get interested in the world around us. Learn something new. Take a class."
(Done.)
7-Quit saying bad things about our minds-Stop telling ourselves things like, 'I'm stupid,' 'I can't make good decisions,' 'I'm really not very smart,' 'I've never been good at figuring things out,' or 'I'm not very good at decisions.' It's just as easy to say good things about ourselves as it is to say negative things. And, we'll probably start believing the positivie things and find out the're true. Isn't that exciting?"
(Yes...yes it is!)
8-Use our minds-"Make decisions. Formulate opinions. Express them. Create! Think things through, but don't worry and obsess. We don't have to let anyone make our decisions for us, unless we're wards of the state. And even if we are, we can still think and make some of our choices. Letting people make our decisions for us means we're getting rescued, which means we're feeling like victims.  We're not victims. Furthermore, it is not our business to make decisions for other adults. We can take possession of our power to think. And we can let others be responsible for their thinking. We will gain more confidence in ourselves, as we start feeling better and begin to make decisions, small and large. The people around us will grow, as they are allowed to make choices and mistakes."
(Whoo...that was long, but awesome. I feel more empowered just reading that!)

So, I have decided that THIS will be my goal for this week: I am going to apply as many of these suggestions into my daily life as possible. I will pray for help. I will not push myself to make hasty, snap decisions. I will read and educate myself on codependency and also on addiction. I will also be structured with my scripture study.
I will stop abusing my own mind with negative thoughts and self-talk. I will open my mind to new things and continue to learn.
I will USE MY MIND, because I have been blessed with one and the ability to use to it!
I know I will continue to make mistakes and poor decisions. I know that, because it's how I learn best. There's always tomorrow to make better decisions than ones we made today.

Called To Serve

I have had so many thoughts and feelings today, and I wish I had something inspiring to share that would lift us all up for the week. But truly, all I can say tonight is this:

SERVE!

I have found myself WISP-ing, as my awesome brother-in-law calls it. It's an acronym for Wallowing In Self Pitty.
Yes folks, I have been wallowing, and wallowing a LOT!
Poor me. Sad me. What am I to do? How could all this be happening to me? Why is the lying continuing? What will ever become of me and the children?
Sound familiar?

Now, don't get me wrong. I know I have valid reasons for feeling those things and asking myself those questions. The problem is, getting stuck there and not being able to get out alive.

Codependency sucks. Literally. It sucks the joy right out of you! It makes it hard to breathe, hard to think...not hard to eat though. I've gained weight on this codependent journey...
Anyway, I realized today that I have forgotten to SERVE the addict in my life. I have been harping on all the things they should be doing, what they aren't doing, how they should do it, why they should do it to the point that we're both frustrated and ready to throw in the towel.
I have some major repenting to do!

I know that the only way to love and appreciate this person, or anyone for that matter, is to serve them.  It doesn't mean that I have to condone their behavior or choices. It means that I have love and respect for them regardless of their addictions and bad habits.
It means that I can truly say I love them, not the sin. Not the pain. Not the lies. Just them. They are still a human being who is hurting and struggling and most likely harder on themselves than I could ever be!
My part is to serve and love!

"Is as much as ye have done it unto the least of these...ye have done it unto me."

Happy Mother's Day

I wanted to share some thoughts and quotes that I have found on Mothers, family, parenting and children over the years.  I love searching for and finding good quotes and messages to lighten the load, lift the spirit and stretch the mind.

As each mother's day approaches, I am always amazed at how little I feel I deserve any recognition as a mother. Yes, I do the same things as most mothers: driving, teaching, healing, fixing, playing, snuggling, praying, laughing, crying, cleaning, reading, reminding, encouraging, supporting and yes, at times, even hollaring! But what makes me a good mom, if I am one? I know my kids don't expect perfection. In fact I am reminded on occasion just how horrible I am compared to other moms who let their kids go see Iron Man II the night it comes out...not that that issue came up recently....uhem.
Anyway, I am feeling very grateful that my children can find reason behind wanting to celebrate this day with me! I wouldn't be a mother without them so I am very grateful for their making me a mom.
They teach me so much that I am so very grateful for! They are the greatest examples of being forgiving, humble, submissive, patient, loving and faithful.  Everyday I am in awe of their ever growing talents and abilities. They are so giving and want to much to help others be happy. Including their mom.
They have put up with a lot in our family. A lot more than I ever wanted or expected that they would have to. But they are stong, both spiritually and emotionally and they are very courageous. I know they will be amazing men and husbands some day...in spite of my efforts. :)
I hope these quotes brighten your day, as they do mine.
"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new." ~Rajneesh
"I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life." ~Abraham Lincoln

"Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories." ~John Wilmot
"Children are a great comfort in your old age - and they help you reach it faster, too." ~Lionel Kauffman
"Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children." ~Sam Levenson
"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." ~Elizabeth Stone
"Sing out loud in the car even, or especially, if it embarrasses your children." ~Marilyn Penland
"The world is as many times new as there are children in our lives." ~Robert Brault
"Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next." ~Franklin P. Jones
"Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said." ~Author Unknown
"A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Children find everything in nothing; men find nothing in everything." ~Giacomo Leopardi
"Anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead ought to tell a child to go to bed." ~Robert Gallagher
"The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old." ~Joan Kerr, Please Don't Eat the Daisies, 1957

Happy Mother's Day!

What is real strength?

I have spent many months trying to be what I thought was strong. I'm not quite sure I knew what it really meant to be strong . But, I think I am finally seeing what true strength is.
I have thought that strength was being willing and able to do something that was difficult, while doing my best to be positive and have faith. I think that maybe this is still partly my idea of strength, but I guess what's changed is that it is has taken a very real strength to let go, move forward, and allow Heavenly Father to take what's damaged and mold it and make it into whatever it needs to be.
My personality is such that I will avoid conflict and contention and I'm afraid of letting others know that they've hurt me. But as a codependent, I will try to manipulate and guilt. I know that probably doesn't make sense, but it is what I have been doing for a very long time.
Today, I was presented with a situation that has occured many, many times. Yet, I actually was able to step back, allow myself to hurt and be sad, and then follow through on a very difficult consequence (if you can call it that) that I have in the past been too weak to follow through on. This is where I always thought I was being strong, but I wasn't.
It took more strength for me today to make the decision that I did, than it ever took for me to try to codependetly work through it.
My boundaries were set. They were crossed. I actually followed through on what I said would have to happen. And although I sit here in tears, and I am hurting and sad, I have a peace in my heart. I know that this is what is necessary for healing to truly begin...if healing is chosen.
I know I will struggle with codependency as I continue to recover, but today I feel I'm made my first, truly un-dependent, loving and productive decision I have made since I discovered my codependency.
I am hopeful and prayerful that the results will be for the benefit of everyone involved.
Nothing in my heart has changed. And it never will.
I am ready to be healthy and give up trying to help or change things that I really have no control over, and just...love. I just hope that it gets easier as time goes on. But I guess only time will tell...