Childhood rules and Codependency???

I have been sucked back into old habits due to fear...again! Dang it!! I have lost control trying to gain control. I have become irrational and even hysterical over my fears. I have gotten my codependent undies in a bind, when I should have hung them out to dry!!
I keep coming back to the question, "where is this coming from? Why am I so anxious, panicked and out of control when I'm afraid? And why am I so afraid all the time?"
It seems that codependency, for me, sneaks up on me. I will do really well for a bit. Then, BAM! It's back and I didn't even see it coming! How do you stop something, when you don't know how it starts???
I did a little online research again (as I always do when I'm in this place), and I found something new. I thought I'd share it here, along with the site link.
Here is what stood out to me: "...codependency has expanded into a definition which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving developed during childhood by family rules."
Family rules??? What??? Families need rules, don't they?! Families need structure and boundaries...right?!
Let's read on...

"One of many definitions of codependency is: a set of *maladaptive, *compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing *great emotional pain and stress.

• *maladaptive - inability for a person to develop behaviors which get needs met.
• *compulsive - psychological state where a person acts against their own will or conscious desires in which to behave.
• *sources of great emotional pain and stress - chemical dependency; chronic mental illness; chronic physical illness; physical abuse; sexual abuse; emotional abuse; divorce; hypercritical or non-loving environment."

Now, I'm really confused! For the most part, my childhood doesn't point to one of these behaviors...but there was a very good amount of emotional pain and stress. I've mentioned before the loss of my father, two brothers, a sister-in-law, a nephew and grandparents. Not to mention the number of divorces my family has endured (these have affected EVERYONE in our family to a degree, even though some would not admit to it). THIS makes sense to me.
There may have been some hypercritical behavior in my home, but if there was, I always thought it was meant for my improvement. For instance, when I was criticized, it was over my musical inabilities because so much was expected, not only from my parents, but also from those who knew my family. Also, I heard and saw quite a bit of back-biting between some family members, and it hurt ME to hear and see these things, even if they didn't involve me.
To this day, I can't accept a true compliment...I don't feel I've "earned" it. It's hard for me to accept my abilities because they are not perfect. I'm rarely satisfied with myself, and wonder what people "really" think of me...perfectionism is on the list of symptoms of codependency. So is distrust, controlling behavior, care-taking behavior, physical illness due to stress and HYPERVIGILANCE (a heightened awareness for potential threat/danger).
Hypervigilance? This is where my fear must be coming from...from this part of my codependency. And it started more in my childhood than I've ever thought to give credit for.
On the same site, I read the following, which was very helpful:

"There are some natural and healthy behaviors mothers do with children that look like codependency. Are people mutually interdependent on each other? Yes. There is perhaps a continuum of codependency, that most people might fall on. Maybe this continuum exists because so many people are taught not to be assertive, or to ask directly for their needs to be met? We probably can't say though that everyone is codependent. Many people probably don't feel fulfilled because of other things going on in the system at large.

Anne Wilson Schaef believes the whole society is addicted; the object of addiction isn't the important issue, but rather that the environment sets us up to be addicted to something, i.e. food, sex, drugs, power, love addiction, etc.

If that is true, then all of us are either addicts or codependents. From this perspective, society produces a pattern making it hard not to be codependent. But it still doesn't change that we're not getting what we need and we're not feeling fulfilled. Then the question is, how do I become more fulfilled and feel better about myself and the life I'm living?"

I would love to hear your opinions on the following section:
"General rules set-up within families that may cause codependency may include:

• It's not okay to talk about problems
• Feelings should not be expressed openly; keep feelings to yourself
• Communication is best if indirect; one person acts as messenger between two others; known in therapy as triangulation
• Be strong, good, right, perfect
• Make us proud beyond realistic expectations
• Don't be selfish
• Do as I say not as I do
• It's not okay to play or be playful
• Don't rock the boat.

Many families have one or more of these rules in place within the family. These kinds of rules can constrict and strain the free and healthy development of people's self-esteem, and coping. As a result, children can develop non-helpful behavior characteristics, problems solving techniques, and reactions to situations in adult life."

How do you feel about these "rules?" Honestly, in my religious culture, some of these "rules" are considered Christ like attributes, such as selflessness, or not being selfish. Also, being good...what's wrong with that?
I am eager to hear (or see) your thoughts on this! I will ponder on this as well, while I battle the issues staring my down right now, and I will try to connect the dots with these "rules." Are they playing a part in my inability to become completely undependent?
The site link: http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/codependency.htm

A Continued Journey

I am afraid that I've been too personal and honest in my posts, and I hope I haven't offended or discouraged anyone. If I have, I apologize. I am only trying to be a voice of truth and offer the simple realization that those of us struggling with loved ones who are addicted or suffer from depression are not alone. Our feelings and fears are valid. And while I know we are none of us alike and our situations are as different as they are the same, I know that everyone with these challenges feels loss. Feels...hopelessness and sorrow. And then struggles against the heavy weight of it all to find hope and faith.
I know that we all have our days when we want to be done. When we want to give up and give in to our fears and our anger. When we have given ALL we even know how to give, and it still isn't enough.
I also know, that we have put our hearts and our emotional health in the hands of everyone else, and we are trying to salvage and regain them in order to heal.
My experiences are not yours. But I hope that you will find even just a hint of encouragement in the knowledge that we are all trying to accomplish our own un-dependence.
Thanks for following what, for me, has been a difficult learning experience.
I am learning so much about myself by being able to share my feelings and experiences here.
I will keep writing, for me, and hope that in the process you will feel welcomed into the realm of my journey to recovery from my codependence. I am sure it will take more time than I would like, but I will continue down this path to emotional integrity and freedom from my need to control.
Here's to another day of letting go, and having faith.

Lost...and Found

Perhaps I shouldn't be updating a blog that is focused on something that I clearly cannot master, or even attempt to achieve right now. But, if you'll allow me a place to grieve and think out loud, I am hopeful that it will help me...?
Living with an addict is like walking a swaying tight rope. But living with an addict who also happens to be Bi-polar, is like living with Jekyll and Hyde who are both addicts. You never know what side you will get or even if the side you will get will be coherent.
This is my current situation.
I'm not looking for a pity party, or a way to feel sorry for myself.
I choose to be where I am.
For now.

There are so many parts of me that want to give up. Then, there are the parts of me that know I will live with regret and sorrow for the rest of my life if I do. I am stuck in limbo.
I don't want to fight anymore. I am exhausted. My doctor recently told me that if I don't  relax and de-stress my life, I will become extremely ill because my adrenals are so severely fatigued that I can hardly function anymore without anxiety and panic.
In spite of my current home situation, I am doing my best to overcome the stress and fatigue that want to follow me around where ever I go.

No matter how close I think I've come to letting go, or to stepping back and relinquishing control, somehow I always snap back to this horrible, unsettling place. I don't want to be here, and I think "I must be doing something wrong!" I know that I am doing things wrong and that I won't get things totally figured out in this lifetime or get anywhere near perfection...but I hoped I would make more progress than I seem to have made at this point.

I have no desire to move forward. None. And for the first time, I feel at peace with letting the "chips fall where they may."  But I am reminded that this is not just about me. There are others who would suffer from my refusal to continue on this path.

The scripture that comes to mind is in D&C 123:17: section 123: “Therefore … let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed."

Cheerfully??? Really??? Certainly this doesn't apply to me...to my heartache and sorrow...
I know it does.
My "problems" significantly pale in comparison to Joseph Smith's when this was his answer to a heartfelt prayer.  Surely, if he submitted to do 'cheerfully' what he could in his life, under such awful conditions and tremendous sorrow...then I must absolutely do my best to do so as well!

My heart is broken. My trust gone. My hope is dwindling. I ache and cry and yearn for peace, and an end to the suffering of my family. But I cannot change anything. The Lord can. He can soften any heart, including my own.

I hope to cheerfully submit to His will and to all that I can do, and continue to seek a righteous desire to press forward through this trial. I know I am not alone. You are not alone. Even when it's darkest and our tears are falling heavily.
I am comforted by this knowledge and I am grateful for the many blessings I do have.

Thank you for allowing me to express my deepest feelings without judgement. I pray for all of us who are seeking peace and the ability to let go and turn it over to our Savior and Heavenly Father.
May He bless you all.