About a year ago, I had determined to write on this blog once a week. Then, as my life turned from sideways to completely upside-down, it seemed every moment of what little thought and time I had, went into trying to simply manage life, and survive. I'm sure you understand this....
The older I get, the less I know. However, one thing is constant and sure regardless of how much my knowledge decreases every year: Life has a way of sneaking up on you, and bringing to pass things that you never expected; things you never wanted to experience or thought you would. It leaves you gasping for air, asking all kinds of questions, that ultimately pull you back to one singular truth: You are not alone nor are you exempt from life's experiences. Good or bad.
Look around and you'll notice everyone going through something in their own life that is significant to them. If you know someone who seems to have no struggles, no hardships, no trials or problems, then they are just exceptional at hiding them. EVERYONE is struggling.
I think it's easy to assume we are alone in our anguish. Mostly because we live in a world of constant comparison! We have been taught by media and society to look "outside" us to find what is "right" or what is "acceptable." We have slowly been brainwashed to believe that if we struggle or express our fears, that we are weak; that vulnerability is unattractive. It's all hogwash.
Over the last year I've ached and cried as a struggling son dealt with suicidal thoughts and feelings. I consoled my boys when their father overdosed. I struggled with my own insecurities and fears as I was consistently confronted with my PSTD symptoms. I had former friends and colleagues childishly target my new business for vandalism. They also lied about my character and work ethic. And most recently (as in days recent) have been struggling intensely to deal with the tragic and sudden death of a very dear client and close friend who was killed in a horrific ATV accident.
Through all of these experiences, I found myself constantly comparing myself, my feelings, my thoughts....all of it. "How SHOULD I feel? How SHOULD I respond? I SHOULD be stronger than this!" should...should....SHOULD. I'm living by a new motto:
"Stop "shoulding" all over yourself!"
I AM who I am because of what I've experienced, and what I feel is exactly what I need to feel to be able to process and heal and move forward!
So, while I used to feel like I "should" be writing on this page way more often, or I "should" be dealing with my struggles differently, the truth is I don't care anymore!!
Maybe I sound callus, or hard of heart. But when you've felt everything so intensely...down to your core...and you wear so much emotion around-belonging to you and others- because your empathic personality and codependency starts running things, you get to a point where you say NO MORE!
A lack of boundaries, even within myself, causes me to finally reach a point where I fall to my knees and cry "uncle!"
I have to let go of all the "SHOULDS!" I have to allow myself to be, and feel, and experience everything I am, exactly as I am. It's OK to not be OK! I can hurt and cry! I can ask for help! I can take all the time I need to be single before dating again (my personal favorite)!! The only rules that exist, are the ones I create.
I hope that as I start to shed the "shoulds" that I will find bits of myself again. The bits of myself that used to love me for who I am, and not what I thought I "should" be.
Sunday, September 4, 2016
Sunday, September 6, 2015
A New Journey
On January 9, 2013 I walked into the court room in Mesa where my divorce hearing was scheduled to take place. I looked around and noticed how many strangers were there. Strangers that would soon know details of my marriage and separation that my closest family did not know.
I took my seat and waited, as instructed.
I started wondering what sort of questions I would be asked. I thought about what I might have to divulge and share with this room of people that I had done my best to bury as deep in my mind as I could. That's when I started shaking. It always starts with my hands, then my arms start to tremble, and then my teeth start chattering. I begged my body to stop and stay calm. I had been doing this more and more lately and it was as irritating as it was frightening.
I tried to control my breathing and calm my heart that was threatening to explode. Fear and anxiety set in, and I started to cry.
I excused myself and went to the restroom. I sat in the furthest stall and cried and shook and allowed myself to drown in whatever was taking over my body. I felt light headed and wanted to just pass out and escape what I was feeling! I leaned against the wall and prayed harder than I had in months. I felt so alone. So scared. And I felt physical pain I couldn't describe or explain.
My phone buzzed in my purse, so I fumbled around to find it and when I pulled it out saw that I had missed a call. I can't tell you who the call was from, I don't remember now, but what I do remember is the wallpaper on my phone that looked up at me.
I took my seat and waited, as instructed.
I started wondering what sort of questions I would be asked. I thought about what I might have to divulge and share with this room of people that I had done my best to bury as deep in my mind as I could. That's when I started shaking. It always starts with my hands, then my arms start to tremble, and then my teeth start chattering. I begged my body to stop and stay calm. I had been doing this more and more lately and it was as irritating as it was frightening.
I tried to control my breathing and calm my heart that was threatening to explode. Fear and anxiety set in, and I started to cry.
I excused myself and went to the restroom. I sat in the furthest stall and cried and shook and allowed myself to drown in whatever was taking over my body. I felt light headed and wanted to just pass out and escape what I was feeling! I leaned against the wall and prayed harder than I had in months. I felt so alone. So scared. And I felt physical pain I couldn't describe or explain.
My phone buzzed in my purse, so I fumbled around to find it and when I pulled it out saw that I had missed a call. I can't tell you who the call was from, I don't remember now, but what I do remember is the wallpaper on my phone that looked up at me.
I immediately felt so overwhelmed with love and the need to protect these boys. Everything else slowly came into focus and I started to pray for them.
What I had experienced years before this point was excruciating. I tried so hard to protect them from it all. To keep them outside of the hell I lived in. Now, I had created a hell for them they couldn't understand....yet. They had been moved from all they knew. All they loved. And it was my fault.
They knew that we moved for our safety. They knew like I did in their minds that it was necessary, but our hearts ached for a life we could exist in as a family that was whole, and unbroken.
I prayed for their hearts, and I prayed for their minds. I prayed that they would feel my love for them and know somehow, someday that everything I was keeping from them or protecting them from, was for their safety and their ultimate emotional, mental and physical survival. I prayed they wouldn't hate me!
I had only spent 5 minutes in the restroom, but it felt like an hour. I touched up my now ruined makeup and walked back into the courtroom. I was still shaking, but felt peace and comfort knowing I was doing the right thing.
When they called my name and asked me to proceed to the front of the courtroom, my sweet uncle Bern, who was representing me (and did a fantastic job) sat next to me and gave me a squeeze. He stood and started a professional dialog with the judge that was law jargon I didn't understand at first. I was SO grateful he was there! He told the judge what I was asking for in terms of child support, custody and other terms in the petition. When the judge turned to me and asked me if I wanted sole custody of my children, the realness of it all slapped me hard. I swallowed and squeaked out, "yes, I do."
"Do you understand what sole custody means?'
"Yes, your honor. I do."
"I need to determine if this is necessary, so you'll need to answer some questions for me."
This is what I was dreading. Reliving what I had done my best to hide from.
He asked me a series of questions about my husband, his addiction, his reluctance to sign paperwork, but his lack of showing any concern by not attending or having taken classes as we were both instructed to by law. His last question left me feeling like I'd been socked in the stomach. It was the very question I dreaded most.
"Miss Cook, tell me why you moved your children away from their father last April."
In a few words I had to explain why I made one of the most painful and heartbreaking decisions of my life. A decision that I never EVER thought I would be making.
"Your honor, he threatened me and my life to a point where I was afraid he would follow through. I left the state with help from my family to find safety. That became my first priority."
There was a series of more questions, more answers that brought up everything I'd been stuffing, and I was exhausted by the end of it all.
The total time we were in front of the judge was close to 17 min. I was sure it had been 3 hours.
He asked me if I wanted to return to my maiden name since none of my legal documentation had ever been changed to Cook. I said yes.
He then declared sole custody to me, that my name was legally in all ways returned to Gibbons, and that I was no longer married.
That's it. Over. Done.
My marriage was over, but the wounds were still fresh for my boys and I.
There's no way to describe that year of my life. It was like I was living in a horrible dream. A nightmare. And yet there were angels in my life, and people that surrounded the boys and I with love and support.
I came to understand that my marriage had been made up of lies we both told. I lied to myself, and everyone else, that things were ok. That they would get better. That I was over sensitive, over reactive and over emotional. That I was the bigger part of the problem in my marriage. This was part of the manipulation I had been experiencing for years. Anything that happened always came back to blame me.
He wouldn't take drugs if I wasn't so hard to live with. He wouldn't get so angry if I'd just leave him alone and stop questioning him. He wouldn't feel the need to cheat if I wasn't such a nag or so disgusting to him. He wouldn't call me a bitch if I didn't act like one. And it goes on.
What I need to say here is crucial! My intent is not to paint an angel halo around my head while painting devil horns on the man I once loved and who is the father of our amazing boys. Anyone who has lived in any type of abusive relationship will tell you that they often stooped to the level of the abuser in an effort to show independence and the ability to fight back. Fighting fire with fire, if you will. And I often did this in attempt to stop the hurt, the cycle and sometimes just so I wasn't the only one hurting. It's an ongoing selfish and disturbing way to live.
I have described living with psychopathic behavior and addiction as though you're fighting getting sucked into a black hole. Sometimes it's stronger and pulls harder. Other times is manageable and you can feel the pull but you can withstand it. But it's always there.
I can honesty say that I've never regretted my decision to leave that unhealthy situation. I have cried, I have hurt, and I have mourned significantly for a man, and a life that I thought I knew and thought I could save on my own.
I don't want to go into details about my fast flee to Arizona. There are family members that were a part of that process who saw and experienced how important that decision was for my boys and I.
I don't believe that my ex-husband was in a healthy state of mind, however it doesn't excuse anything either. I have never been so distraught, wounded or terrified than I was on that early Saturday morning when I realized how truly in danger I was. How truly horrific my life had become.
The more boundaries I had put in place, and the more healthy distance I tried to create between myself and my ex-husband, the more hostel and aggressive he became. Though we were separated, the boundaries were ignored and crossed over and over again and my life became a mess of untruths, distortions, accusations and flat out lies which came as an effort to further manipulate.
had I not had family support that day, that encouraged me to finally let go and stop trying to excuse and cover up the abuse, I have no doubt that the outcome would have been one that left me or my boys suffering beyond comprehension.
In an effort to continue to explain my experiences with PTSD, addiction, depression, CODEPENDENCY and anxiety (among others), it felt necessary for me to give a somewhat clearer picture of SOME of what I experienced. That being said I am NOT a victim. I made choices, good and bad, that impacted everything that happened. I refuse to have a victim mentality or self image that encourages victimization.
No one is perfect. I have made more mistakes than I can count in a lifetime. And if I didn't have the hope and the knowledge of the Atonement of my Savior, I don't know that I would still be here.
I have a deep love and abiding respect for my entire Cook family! Peter included. They are my family forever and I am ever so grateful and appreciative of their love and support for the boys and I. Their patience and fortitude with all that they have experienced leaves me in awe. I don't know what I would do without their examples of faith and endurance!
There are so many women, and men, that experience psychological abuse from loved ones. And most the time you don't know it's happening until you feel like you are going crazy. No path, no direction, no decision seems clear. You live in confusion and constant turmoil. Living only to survive, but not really experiencing life!!
If you relate to this, or know of someone who is experiencing abuse, please let them know they are NOT alone. Sometimes it means life or death. And sometimes its the difference of being able to strongly set boundaries and reclaim their un-dependence.
As Gordon B. Hinkley said, "life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."
I still pray for these sweet strong boys of mine daily! We have come so far and become more aware of our need to be open and honest about the things we feel and experience. And the things we experienced before the chaos of addiction and abuse in our home. They are magnificent examples of forgiveness and strength for me in my life! They are my WHY!! They are why I choose to follow my heart and my dreams. They are why I get up, keep moving and keep smiling through the pain of recovery. Though we all experience symptoms of PTSD and anxiety, they continue to help me patiently through mine. When I wake up from a terror and one of them has to sleep on my floor in my bed. When I have an episode and can't drive and we are stuck in the car, in the parking lot until I can calm down. They are always there to support and love me through it all.
Some might say that it's horrible to subject my children to that "dysfunction." (Ive actually been told that.) But I would like to suggest that if more of our youth could see pain, and suffering, and instead of being selfishly offended or hurt by it, take the time to show compassion, and understanding, rather than fear and disgust we wouldn't be hearing about so much bullying and terrorizing in our schools, or in our society as a whole. So much of our problem as a society today is that our children are growing up without understanding the value of LIFE. They don't know what compassion is or how crucial it is to having any kind of pure love and peace in this life.
Now that my ranting on that is over, I'm going to end this rather heavy post. It's not in my nature to be heavy, or focus on the bad or sad things in life, mine or anyone else's. But I can't bury and pretend anymore either. So as heavy as it may have been write, and I'm sure to read as well, it has been healing for me! Liberating and scary at the same time! But I look forward to the peace that will continue to come through expressing my thoughts and feelings here.
Please comment and share. I welcome all comments and suggestions, even if they aren't in favor of my writing. ;)
Have a beautiful Sunday!
The quote I will leave with today is this:
"..Wherever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, he loves you with an infinite love."
-Dieter F. Uchtdorf
Saturday, September 5, 2015
No One is Alone
It's been 3 1/2 years since my last post on this blog. So much has happened, and I've learned SO much over that period of time. Even with all that's happened, and all that I've learned, I still struggle almost daily with codependent tendencies, in one way or another. But I CAN say that my improvement with codependence, while still difficult and painful, has been exciting and liberating! I've also learned on this 3 1/2 year journey that I have been struggling with symptoms of PTSD and anxiety. This came forward for me shortly after my last post in Feb. of 2012.
In my past posts, I really wanted the focus to be on the positive side of healing and what I was experiencing. The problem with that for me now, is that even my posts were tainted with codependency, as I was afraid of saying the wrong thing, offending someone, or not having approval of my feelings. Well....I can honestly say that I am not the same woman I was then, and this blog will from now on be a raw, open, honest and revealing look at the good, the bad, and ugly that is codependence!
Along with codependence, I'm also learning so much about different forms of abuse, and PTSD. These topics will likely overlap in my writing because they are a huge part of my daily recovery. They are all a part of why I am, and where I am. But not WHO I am.
After talking to SO many friends and acquaintances about relationships, divorce, abuse, stress, anxiety, and so on, it's SO apparent that codependency is everywhere. From mild to severe it's all around us! My story is my own, but it's also COMMON. This is what I didn't really recognize until this year. I've had more people talk to me about their relationships with family or friends or spouses who struggle with addictions, depression, mental illness and more. A close friend of mine asked me to start blogging my thoughts and feelings on these topics from my perspective. She and I have discussed these issues and she often comes to me for advice. I've never thought my perspective was anything special, but if it can spark some thinking and moving steps for anyone else on their road to understanding and recovery, then I WANT to share what I can to help.
I am NOT a therapist. I am NOT a counselor nor do I have a degree in Psychology or Sociology. I have simply LIVED through what a lot of those people get paid to diagnose and treat. That is the perspective I'm coming from.
My goal is to post every Sunday. Tomorrow will start with an open and candid view into my decision to end my marriage and begin a NEW journey to recovery.
Please feel free to comment or share. There are so many who feel alone in their situations. But like one of my favorite Broadway Musical songs states, "No One Is Alone."
In my past posts, I really wanted the focus to be on the positive side of healing and what I was experiencing. The problem with that for me now, is that even my posts were tainted with codependency, as I was afraid of saying the wrong thing, offending someone, or not having approval of my feelings. Well....I can honestly say that I am not the same woman I was then, and this blog will from now on be a raw, open, honest and revealing look at the good, the bad, and ugly that is codependence!
Along with codependence, I'm also learning so much about different forms of abuse, and PTSD. These topics will likely overlap in my writing because they are a huge part of my daily recovery. They are all a part of why I am, and where I am. But not WHO I am.
After talking to SO many friends and acquaintances about relationships, divorce, abuse, stress, anxiety, and so on, it's SO apparent that codependency is everywhere. From mild to severe it's all around us! My story is my own, but it's also COMMON. This is what I didn't really recognize until this year. I've had more people talk to me about their relationships with family or friends or spouses who struggle with addictions, depression, mental illness and more. A close friend of mine asked me to start blogging my thoughts and feelings on these topics from my perspective. She and I have discussed these issues and she often comes to me for advice. I've never thought my perspective was anything special, but if it can spark some thinking and moving steps for anyone else on their road to understanding and recovery, then I WANT to share what I can to help.
I am NOT a therapist. I am NOT a counselor nor do I have a degree in Psychology or Sociology. I have simply LIVED through what a lot of those people get paid to diagnose and treat. That is the perspective I'm coming from.
My goal is to post every Sunday. Tomorrow will start with an open and candid view into my decision to end my marriage and begin a NEW journey to recovery.
Please feel free to comment or share. There are so many who feel alone in their situations. But like one of my favorite Broadway Musical songs states, "No One Is Alone."
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Accepting Tragedy With Serenity
I haven't posted in while, but have missed how healing it is for ME to express myself. While I have a desire to help bare other's codependent burdens, I must admit that this blog has proven a selfish way for me to feel better about my journey through expressing my thoughts and feeling along the way.
My sister gave me a beautiful little book that I carry in my purse with me. I pull it out, read one of its little pages, and without fail, my outlook changes and my day is better.
I thought I would share these pages with you, as I read them. That way we can be uplifted together. :)
The book is called Letting Go: Meditations for Codependents. Its a Harper/Hazelden book.
Today I opened to a page entitled, "Accepting Tragedy." Here is what it says:
"no matter who we are or where we are on our path, tragedy can strike us or our loved ones. As Leo Buscaglia says, 'We cannot stop a hurricane, silence a storm, or keepa loved one from leaving us.' These things, and others, jut happen."
"It may be hard for us to understand why God allows tragedies to occur. We may feel betrayed. We may want to give up on God or this whole spirituality business. We may wonder why we should bother working so hard at our spiritual growth, only to be ignored in our time of need."
"But after our grief and our anger, we can experience another feeling: acceptance. God has wisdom and a plan we know nothing about. Letting go means accepting both the painful and the joyful gifts our Higher Power sends us."
The affirmation at the bottom is: I accept life's tragedies with serenity.
I think this is a beautiful statement. Accepting life's tragedies with serenity is terribly difficult to do, but it makes so much more sense to me to accept it with serenity, than to fight it, dwell on it, and never feel the peace of true acceptance.
I can say I've made significant progress on my journey to codependent recovery this year. I have made boundaries, and I have stuck to those boundaries even when it was extremely painful to do so.
I know I have a long road ahead of me still. But I can choose to walk this road with acceptance, serenity, and with my head up, looking forward, rather than looking back.
My sister gave me a beautiful little book that I carry in my purse with me. I pull it out, read one of its little pages, and without fail, my outlook changes and my day is better.
I thought I would share these pages with you, as I read them. That way we can be uplifted together. :)
The book is called Letting Go: Meditations for Codependents. Its a Harper/Hazelden book.
Today I opened to a page entitled, "Accepting Tragedy." Here is what it says:
"no matter who we are or where we are on our path, tragedy can strike us or our loved ones. As Leo Buscaglia says, 'We cannot stop a hurricane, silence a storm, or keepa loved one from leaving us.' These things, and others, jut happen."
"It may be hard for us to understand why God allows tragedies to occur. We may feel betrayed. We may want to give up on God or this whole spirituality business. We may wonder why we should bother working so hard at our spiritual growth, only to be ignored in our time of need."
"But after our grief and our anger, we can experience another feeling: acceptance. God has wisdom and a plan we know nothing about. Letting go means accepting both the painful and the joyful gifts our Higher Power sends us."
The affirmation at the bottom is: I accept life's tragedies with serenity.
I think this is a beautiful statement. Accepting life's tragedies with serenity is terribly difficult to do, but it makes so much more sense to me to accept it with serenity, than to fight it, dwell on it, and never feel the peace of true acceptance.
I can say I've made significant progress on my journey to codependent recovery this year. I have made boundaries, and I have stuck to those boundaries even when it was extremely painful to do so.
I know I have a long road ahead of me still. But I can choose to walk this road with acceptance, serenity, and with my head up, looking forward, rather than looking back.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Childhood rules and Codependency???
I have been sucked back into old habits due to fear...again! Dang it!! I have lost control trying to gain control. I have become irrational and even hysterical over my fears. I have gotten my codependent undies in a bind, when I should have hung them out to dry!!
I keep coming back to the question, "where is this coming from? Why am I so anxious, panicked and out of control when I'm afraid? And why am I so afraid all the time?"
It seems that codependency, for me, sneaks up on me. I will do really well for a bit. Then, BAM! It's back and I didn't even see it coming! How do you stop something, when you don't know how it starts???
I did a little online research again (as I always do when I'm in this place), and I found something new. I thought I'd share it here, along with the site link.
Here is what stood out to me: "...codependency has expanded into a definition which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving developed during childhood by family rules."
Family rules??? What??? Families need rules, don't they?! Families need structure and boundaries...right?!
Let's read on...
There may have been some hypercritical behavior in my home, but if there was, I always thought it was meant for my improvement. For instance, when I was criticized, it was over my musical inabilities because so much was expected, not only from my parents, but also from those who knew my family. Also, I heard and saw quite a bit of back-biting between some family members, and it hurt ME to hear and see these things, even if they didn't involve me.
To this day, I can't accept a true compliment...I don't feel I've "earned" it. It's hard for me to accept my abilities because they are not perfect. I'm rarely satisfied with myself, and wonder what people "really" think of me...perfectionism is on the list of symptoms of codependency. So is distrust, controlling behavior, care-taking behavior, physical illness due to stress and HYPERVIGILANCE (a heightened awareness for potential threat/danger).
Hypervigilance? This is where my fear must be coming from...from this part of my codependency. And it started more in my childhood than I've ever thought to give credit for.
On the same site, I read the following, which was very helpful:
"General rules set-up within families that may cause codependency may include:
I keep coming back to the question, "where is this coming from? Why am I so anxious, panicked and out of control when I'm afraid? And why am I so afraid all the time?"
It seems that codependency, for me, sneaks up on me. I will do really well for a bit. Then, BAM! It's back and I didn't even see it coming! How do you stop something, when you don't know how it starts???
I did a little online research again (as I always do when I'm in this place), and I found something new. I thought I'd share it here, along with the site link.
Here is what stood out to me: "...codependency has expanded into a definition which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving developed during childhood by family rules."
Family rules??? What??? Families need rules, don't they?! Families need structure and boundaries...right?!
Let's read on...
"One of many definitions of codependency is: a set of *maladaptive, *compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing *great emotional pain and stress.
- *maladaptive - inability for a person to develop behaviors which get needs met.
- *compulsive - psychological state where a person acts against their own will or conscious desires in which to behave.
- *sources of great emotional pain and stress - chemical dependency; chronic mental illness; chronic physical illness; physical abuse; sexual abuse; emotional abuse; divorce; hypercritical or non-loving environment."
There may have been some hypercritical behavior in my home, but if there was, I always thought it was meant for my improvement. For instance, when I was criticized, it was over my musical inabilities because so much was expected, not only from my parents, but also from those who knew my family. Also, I heard and saw quite a bit of back-biting between some family members, and it hurt ME to hear and see these things, even if they didn't involve me.
To this day, I can't accept a true compliment...I don't feel I've "earned" it. It's hard for me to accept my abilities because they are not perfect. I'm rarely satisfied with myself, and wonder what people "really" think of me...perfectionism is on the list of symptoms of codependency. So is distrust, controlling behavior, care-taking behavior, physical illness due to stress and HYPERVIGILANCE (a heightened awareness for potential threat/danger).
Hypervigilance? This is where my fear must be coming from...from this part of my codependency. And it started more in my childhood than I've ever thought to give credit for.
On the same site, I read the following, which was very helpful:
"There are some natural and healthy behaviors mothers do with children that look like codependency. Are people mutually interdependent on each other? Yes. There is perhaps a continuum of codependency, that most people might fall on. Maybe this continuum exists because so many people are taught not to be assertive, or to ask directly for their needs to be met? We probably can't say though that everyone is codependent. Many people probably don't feel fulfilled because of other things going on in the system at large.
Anne Wilson Schaef believes the whole society is addicted; the object of addiction isn't the important issue, but rather that the environment sets us up to be addicted to something, i.e. food, sex, drugs, power, love addiction, etc.
If that is true, then all of us are either addicts or codependents. From this perspective, society produces a pattern making it hard not to be codependent. But it still doesn't change that we're not getting what we need and we're not feeling fulfilled. Then the question is, how do I become more fulfilled and feel better about myself and the life I'm living?"
I would love to hear your opinions on the following section:"General rules set-up within families that may cause codependency may include:
- It's not okay to talk about problems
- Feelings should not be expressed openly; keep feelings to yourself
- Communication is best if indirect; one person acts as messenger between two others; known in therapy as triangulation
- Be strong, good, right, perfect
- Make us proud beyond realistic expectations
- Don't be selfish
- Do as I say not as I do
- It's not okay to play or be playful
- Don't rock the boat.
Many families have one or more of these rules in place within the family. These kinds of rules can constrict and strain the free and healthy development of people's self-esteem, and coping. As a result, children can develop non-helpful behavior characteristics, problems solving techniques, and reactions to situations in adult life."
How do you feel about these "rules?" Honestly, in my religious culture, some of these "rules" are considered Christ like attributes, such as selflessness, or not being selfish. Also, being good...what's wrong with that?
I am eager to hear (or see) your thoughts on this! I will ponder on this as well, while I battle the issues staring my down right now, and I will try to connect the dots with these "rules." Are they playing a part in my inability to become completely undependent?
The site link: http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/codependency.htm
I am eager to hear (or see) your thoughts on this! I will ponder on this as well, while I battle the issues staring my down right now, and I will try to connect the dots with these "rules." Are they playing a part in my inability to become completely undependent?
The site link: http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/codependency.htm
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
A Continued Journey
I am afraid that I've been too personal and honest in my posts, and I hope I haven't offended or discouraged anyone. If I have, I apologize. I am only trying to be a voice of truth and offer the simple realization that those of us struggling with loved ones who are addicted or suffer from depression are not alone. Our feelings and fears are valid. And while I know we are none of us alike and our situations are as different as they are the same, I know that everyone with these challenges feels loss. Feels...hopelessness and sorrow. And then struggles against the heavy weight of it all to find hope and faith.
I know that we all have our days when we want to be done. When we want to give up and give in to our fears and our anger. When we have given ALL we even know how to give, and it still isn't enough.
I also know, that we have put our hearts and our emotional health in the hands of everyone else, and we are trying to salvage and regain them in order to heal.
My experiences are not yours. But I hope that you will find even just a hint of encouragement in the knowledge that we are all trying to accomplish our own un-dependence.
Thanks for following what, for me, has been a difficult learning experience.
I am learning so much about myself by being able to share my feelings and experiences here.
I will keep writing, for me, and hope that in the process you will feel welcomed into the realm of my journey to recovery from my codependence. I am sure it will take more time than I would like, but I will continue down this path to emotional integrity and freedom from my need to control.
Here's to another day of letting go, and having faith.
I know that we all have our days when we want to be done. When we want to give up and give in to our fears and our anger. When we have given ALL we even know how to give, and it still isn't enough.
I also know, that we have put our hearts and our emotional health in the hands of everyone else, and we are trying to salvage and regain them in order to heal.
My experiences are not yours. But I hope that you will find even just a hint of encouragement in the knowledge that we are all trying to accomplish our own un-dependence.
Thanks for following what, for me, has been a difficult learning experience.
I am learning so much about myself by being able to share my feelings and experiences here.
I will keep writing, for me, and hope that in the process you will feel welcomed into the realm of my journey to recovery from my codependence. I am sure it will take more time than I would like, but I will continue down this path to emotional integrity and freedom from my need to control.
Here's to another day of letting go, and having faith.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Lost...and Found
Perhaps I shouldn't be updating a blog that is focused on something that I clearly cannot master, or even attempt to achieve right now. But, if you'll allow me a place to grieve and think out loud, I am hopeful that it will help me...?
Living with an addict is like walking a swaying tight rope. But living with an addict who also happens to be Bi-polar, is like living with Jekyll and Hyde who are both addicts. You never know what side you will get or even if the side you will get will be coherent.
This is my current situation.
I'm not looking for a pity party, or a way to feel sorry for myself.
I choose to be where I am.
For now.
There are so many parts of me that want to give up. Then, there are the parts of me that know I will live with regret and sorrow for the rest of my life if I do. I am stuck in limbo.
I don't want to fight anymore. I am exhausted. My doctor recently told me that if I don't relax and de-stress my life, I will become extremely ill because my adrenals are so severely fatigued that I can hardly function anymore without anxiety and panic.
In spite of my current home situation, I am doing my best to overcome the stress and fatigue that want to follow me around where ever I go.
No matter how close I think I've come to letting go, or to stepping back and relinquishing control, somehow I always snap back to this horrible, unsettling place. I don't want to be here, and I think "I must be doing something wrong!" I know that I am doing things wrong and that I won't get things totally figured out in this lifetime or get anywhere near perfection...but I hoped I would make more progress than I seem to have made at this point.
I have no desire to move forward. None. And for the first time, I feel at peace with letting the "chips fall where they may." But I am reminded that this is not just about me. There are others who would suffer from my refusal to continue on this path.
The scripture that comes to mind is in D&C 123:17: section 123: “Therefore … let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed."
Cheerfully??? Really??? Certainly this doesn't apply to me...to my heartache and sorrow...
I know it does.
My "problems" significantly pale in comparison to Joseph Smith's when this was his answer to a heartfelt prayer. Surely, if he submitted to do 'cheerfully' what he could in his life, under such awful conditions and tremendous sorrow...then I must absolutely do my best to do so as well!
My heart is broken. My trust gone. My hope is dwindling. I ache and cry and yearn for peace, and an end to the suffering of my family. But I cannot change anything. The Lord can. He can soften any heart, including my own.
I hope to cheerfully submit to His will and to all that I can do, and continue to seek a righteous desire to press forward through this trial. I know I am not alone. You are not alone. Even when it's darkest and our tears are falling heavily.
I am comforted by this knowledge and I am grateful for the many blessings I do have.
Thank you for allowing me to express my deepest feelings without judgement. I pray for all of us who are seeking peace and the ability to let go and turn it over to our Savior and Heavenly Father.
May He bless you all.
Living with an addict is like walking a swaying tight rope. But living with an addict who also happens to be Bi-polar, is like living with Jekyll and Hyde who are both addicts. You never know what side you will get or even if the side you will get will be coherent.
This is my current situation.
I'm not looking for a pity party, or a way to feel sorry for myself.
I choose to be where I am.
For now.
There are so many parts of me that want to give up. Then, there are the parts of me that know I will live with regret and sorrow for the rest of my life if I do. I am stuck in limbo.
I don't want to fight anymore. I am exhausted. My doctor recently told me that if I don't relax and de-stress my life, I will become extremely ill because my adrenals are so severely fatigued that I can hardly function anymore without anxiety and panic.
In spite of my current home situation, I am doing my best to overcome the stress and fatigue that want to follow me around where ever I go.
No matter how close I think I've come to letting go, or to stepping back and relinquishing control, somehow I always snap back to this horrible, unsettling place. I don't want to be here, and I think "I must be doing something wrong!" I know that I am doing things wrong and that I won't get things totally figured out in this lifetime or get anywhere near perfection...but I hoped I would make more progress than I seem to have made at this point.
I have no desire to move forward. None. And for the first time, I feel at peace with letting the "chips fall where they may." But I am reminded that this is not just about me. There are others who would suffer from my refusal to continue on this path.
The scripture that comes to mind is in D&C 123:17: section 123: “Therefore … let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed."
Cheerfully??? Really??? Certainly this doesn't apply to me...to my heartache and sorrow...
I know it does.
My "problems" significantly pale in comparison to Joseph Smith's when this was his answer to a heartfelt prayer. Surely, if he submitted to do 'cheerfully' what he could in his life, under such awful conditions and tremendous sorrow...then I must absolutely do my best to do so as well!
My heart is broken. My trust gone. My hope is dwindling. I ache and cry and yearn for peace, and an end to the suffering of my family. But I cannot change anything. The Lord can. He can soften any heart, including my own.
I hope to cheerfully submit to His will and to all that I can do, and continue to seek a righteous desire to press forward through this trial. I know I am not alone. You are not alone. Even when it's darkest and our tears are falling heavily.
I am comforted by this knowledge and I am grateful for the many blessings I do have.
Thank you for allowing me to express my deepest feelings without judgement. I pray for all of us who are seeking peace and the ability to let go and turn it over to our Savior and Heavenly Father.
May He bless you all.
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