On Days Like Today...

Today has been...one of those days. Again.
In trying to live by the adage of "one day at a time," I find myself looking back over the last year and really trying to see what each one of those days has added up to.
Are things getting any better? Am I getting any better? Is there still progress?
On days like today, I want to be someone else. Anyone else. Just not me. Not where I am. I know that this is a selfish point of view, because I am well aware that there are those that are worse off than I am in this world. I know that we each have our own share of heartache and disappointment.
So, maybe I'm having a bit of a pity party, but mostly I am trying (still) to understand how to keep going.
I still maintain that the past is to be learned from and not lived in. So, I hope I'm clear when I say that when I look back, I am trying to learn and distiguish what happened then, from what is happening now. I have nothing else to go on, except what has been.
On days like today, I wish I had a crytal ball. I wish I could look into that ball and see that all this heartache and long-suffering and anguish will be worth something someday. I'd like to know that my life won't continue down this path to see more disappointment and pain.
Unfortunately, I don't have a crystal ball. Some days, I don't even have hope. Somedays, I find myself gripped with loss and despair. This is not what I wanted for my life. I totally had other plans for my family.
On days like today, I find it entirely more difficult to step back, take a deep breath, love myself, and say, "tomorrow's a new day. I will let go and let God. I will have faith in His plan for my family."
Then, the really hard part for me: "I will love and accept my addict no matter what happens, or what they choose."
Like I've said before, this is the most difficult for me as a codependent because the addict in my life may not choose what I am most comfortable with. I may be forced to follow through on boundaries I've set for myself and my boys. And, truth be told, I'm a total fradey-cat when it comes to this part of the deal.
On days like this, I hope I can forget myself and be strong for those who have had no choice in this matter from the beginning: My beautiful boys.
I can take it one more day. One day at a time...on days like today.

Honesty

I recently heard someone say,"you know an addict is lying because his lips are moving."
To be honest, I didn't really know what to think about that. Surely not all addicts lie about everything. Do they?
This has been hard for me to swallow because there has been dishonesty attached to the addict in my life. The human, emotional part of me wants the security of the truth! Tell me the truth!
I have always valued honesty. Honesty is crucial to building any kind of trust and respect in any aspect of our lives. Yet, it's so easy to lie and be lied to. And, even though it hurts us, somehow we think that it will soften our reality, or it's a vain attempt at maintaning our comfort zone.  But I firmly believe that lies will never soften a harsh reality or bring any kind of superficial comfort. No matter what the lie is. If I don't think someone looks nice, I don't tell them they look bad, I just don't say anything...or I compliment something I do think is nice about their appearance. If they ask my opinion, I will give an honest opinion, and make sure they know it is my opinion and not anything more. Maybe others think that this is rude. Maybe it is rude. I'm sure I've offended people in my life. But I think they would be more offended and hurt if they thought I was lying to them.
So why do addicts lie? Why does anyone lie? Are people so afraid of the truth? Do they even know what the truth is?
Being someone who highly values honesty, this is excruciating for me to try to understand. I just, don't, get it!
I've also tried to understand why it's so painful when I'm lied to...
Obviously, it hurts to be lied to, but for me, it's more than just the betrayal aspect. For me, I feel like I've been slapped in the face with the fact that the person who's lied to me, doesn't feel I am worth or deserving of the truth. They decided on their own, that I wouldn't be able to "handle the truth!"  But, I also think it is more self-serving than that as well. I believe that most people lie because they are afraid of something. Losing something or somone, or to get a certain reaction. Lying is purely and totally selfish. Even though I see it as something done to me. It is done for the liar. For their benefit only.
As a codependent of an addict, this is a struggle I am dealing with on a daily basis. I have to be able to let go of the lies, the betrayal. I have to let go, and let God. I am not here to judge or change anyone. But I can change myself and how I act in these difficult situations.
So, while I'm sure that addicts lie. And maybe steal and cheat. I am positive of two things:
1-I can't do anything about it & 2-God loves addicts the same as everyone else. Even those who do almost everything right.
More importantly, I love an addict. I will always love an addict. That too will never change. What needs to change is me. I can love and let go and create healthy boundaries with honesty and be at peace with myself and my life.
I don't know if the truth really sets us free. I don't know that we know the real truth very often. I do know that honesty will set us free, if we're honest with ourselves and those around us. 
Here's a challenge for us all:
Live this next week in total honesty. If it doesn't need to be said, don't say it. If you're asked for the truth, give it. And most importantly, be honest with yourself. Let me know how it goes, and what you think.
Honestly.

Intentions and expectations

So, I haven't written in a week or so, but I have had a lot of time to ponder about what my expectations of others are, and if they are realistic. I've also questioned the expectations I hold of myself. What are my intentions when I want to control? What is the outcome I want and am I acting or reacting from fear based emotions?
Well, I can say, as a woman, that this can be a harder question to answer during certain times of the month. For me anyway!! Geeze. I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes. But, I also am learning to recognize what is emotional, hormonal, and genuine concern.
I have been keeping high expectations of myself, more than anyone else. I am afraid of failure. I am afraid of loss. I am afraid of not being enough. This makes it hard to take responsibility sometimes for my feelings and emotions, because that too can be seen as weakness, or failure. But I'm realizing that it is a super strengthening ability: to be able to accept responsibility for our own feelings and stop waiting for some one else or something else to change so we can be happy.
I was recently talking to my awesome sister on the phone, and we were discussing how difficult it is to be a woman and not have certain physical and mental expectations of ourselves. We grow up with a sense of what is appealing, attractive and acceptable, and if we don't have those things, then are self worth suffers. Greatly!
We discussed how you get to a point where you don't let those things bother you anymore.
How do you stop caring about what the world (media, etc.) deems acceptable and find your own beauty and self worth?
What does loving yourself and loving who you are have to do with codependence? a LOT.
Here are my views on self image and codependence.
When you doubt who you are and you constantly live with negative thoughts and feelings about yourself, the insecurities that accompany those thoughts and feelings are enormous. When you add on top of that any kind of fear, you will react to situations without confidence, without faith and without love. You're driven by your fears and self-depricating views.
But, when you begin to see your true worth, and that it's not just physical, but emotional, mental and spiritual, you begin to find that you don't react to others out of fear, but that you really want to be proactive. You will have an inner confidence that will carry you through those days when your codependence wants to take over. You will know that you are worth while. That you are special and that you don't need anyone else to tell you that, show you that or do anything to 'make' you feel it!
I'm curious to know what everyone else thinks about this. Tell me what you think helps a woman, or a man, find his own self worth. How do you grasp that on your own, being codependent?
I'm all ears....

Caretaking can be bad?

I am really trying to navigate the balance between selfless giving of one's self and unhealty caretaking; not getting hurt by things that are obviously meant to hurt; and to stop rescuing others from negative consequences that follow their poor choices, whether or not they affect me.
Anyone thoughts????

Where are my tools???

Why is it, as soon as you start learning something new, do the tests of your knowledge come so quickly?
I've have read chapter 5 in Melody Beattie's book 3 times now...and I'm still struggling to figure it out in my own slow mind.
Chapter 5 talks about "lovingly detaching." I have read through a lot of material about letting go. And just when I feel like I'm getting it. BAM! Testing time!!
These are the times when I feel weak. Like I'm not sure if I can love someone so very much, and stay out of their life...while living with them. How do you do that?
Bare with me while I think as I type?
What is detachment? Aren't we taught (at least in my culture) that you are to cleave to and become one with your spouse? So how do I do that and detach lovingly?
Melody says that "ideally, detachment is releasing, or detaching from a person, or problem in love." I need to be responsible for myself and not try to take responsibility for other's problems or try to solve problems that are not mine to solve.
I can honestly say, I have stopped doing that much.
Here is the kicker for me:
Melody also states that "we reliquish regrets over the past and fears about the future." This sounds pretty easy...until I try to do it.
Try as I may, I find it so hard to "let go" of everything that I've been holding onto. My past and my future. Good and bad. And live for today. One day at a time.
Jefferey R. Holland said, "the past is to be learned from, not lived in." I know that his words are true! I knowthey are! So, am I going crazy? Or is it just way easier said than done?
I know, I know...I need to read my last entry and focus on the second and third steps. I am. Believe me. I guess I am just feeling like I'm supposed to build a house from scratch with blue prints, but no tools.
I am trying to gain the tools to start building with.
More wisdom from Melody:
"detachment also involves accepting reality-the facts.  It requires faith-in ourselves, in God, in other people, and the natural order and destiny of things in this world...We release our burdens and cares, and give ourselves the freedom to enjoy life in spite of our unsolved problems. We trust that all is well in spite of conflicts. We trust that someone greater than us knows, has ordained, and cares about what is happening (this is where I would insert, we apply step 3, and let God's will swallow our own)...We try to stay out of His way and let Him do it. In time, we know that all is well because we see how the strangest (and sometimes most painful) things work out for the best, and for the benefit of everyone."
So, I was just re-reading this-again-and thought, "this would be much easier if I were really detached from the person and problem, and not bumping into it everyday." Now...comes the guilt. I don't want to feel that way. And I know that's not the real solution to my unhealthy living. Not to mention I love my family very much and want to make myself better for them, rather than running from them.
I just turned to Mosiah 4:9-10. Inspired!
It reads, "believe in God; believe that He is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend. And again, believe that you must repent of your sins, and forsake them, and humble yoursleves before God; and ask in sincerity of heart, if He would forgive you; and now, if you believe all these things see that ye do them."
I will. I know I can. I am determined to heal and take one foot out of the past and the other out of the future and live for today, with faith in my Heavenly Father and His plan for me.
I wanted to post this poem-of sorts. It's in the Addict Family Support Guide, and I think I must pin it to my forehead!
"To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization that I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to care for, but care about (love that one).
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle of arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to effect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective, but to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To let go is not to critisize and regulate anyone, but to try to become what I [know] I can be.
To let go is is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less, and love more.
                                                                   ..author unknown
These are tools I need. I get it. Ok, fine. They were right in front of me the whole time. I just need to pick them up, and use them...

As easy as 1-2-3?

I realized something pretty amazing about myself last night.
I was reading through my Addiction Recovery Program guide for Families of Addicts book, and was contemplating the first step. Honesty. It states "Our honesty allowed us to surrender to the truths that we are powerless to control, manage, or save others and that even though we may try, we cannot remove anyone's God-given agency to choose."
Was that really what I have been doing? Trying to remove others' God-given agency? No...I don't want to do that. I just want them to choose what I want them to. They're still making the choice, it's just the right choice for me. For our family. Right? I've been living the plan I fought so hard against in the pre-existence. I fought for this opportunity for growth and to be obedient to my Heavenly Father. I wanted to do it His way. I am sad to say, I haven't been doing a very good job of living His plan the way I agreed to.
As I am recognizing codependence and it's many faces, I am also beginning to realize why it's more difficult for me, as a codependent, than it seems to be for many others, to impliment steps 2 and 3 in the program...in my life.
Step 2 is: Hope. Step 3 is: Trust In God.
When I first opened my program guide book, and read the steps, I honestly thought to myself, "I have already done almost all of these. Do I really need this?"
Upon taking a closer look, I realize that the hope I had was not the kind of hope I needed. And that the Trust in God I thought I had given, wasn't in fact the kind of trust He needed me to give.
Regarding hope, Boyd K. Packer, in the Nov. 1995 Ensign, said, that there would be "no habit, no addiction, no rebellion, no transgression, no offense exempted from the promise of complete forgiveness [and healing]."
This was the hope I needed, and not only for my loved one, but for myself. I needed hope in the Atonement and the love of my Savior. I needed to have hope and faith that the tender mercies of the Lord are not only "reserved for other people who appear to be more righteous or who serve in visible church callings." But to know that "the tender mercies of the Lord are available to all of us and that the Redeemer of Israel is eager to bestow such gifts upon us."(David A. Bednar, Ensign, May 2005)
I am worthy of the Lord's tender mercies, and so is my husband. We all are!
This is where trusting in God comes in. We let go of control, and exercise the faith that steps one and two helped us discover.
Once again, a codependent does not want to give up control. What else will I have? What if it hurts more? Could it hurt more?
I love this quote by Neal A. Maxwell:
"The submission of one's will is really the only uniquely personal thing we have to place on God's altar. It is a hard doctrine, but it is true. The many other things we give to God, however nice that may be of us, are actually things He has already given us, and He has loaned them to us. But when we begin to submit ourselves by letting our wills be swallwed up in God's will, then we are really giving something to Him."
The last paragraph of the third step in the program guide, states:
"Submission to God's will reduces strife and brings more meaning to our lives.  We accept responsibility for our own actions. We accept and treat others as we would like to be treated. We accept the truth that mortality is challenging and has the potential to bring us sorrow and frustration as well as happiness. We enjoy the serenity and strength that come from trusting God and in His goodness, power and love.  Now that we know that we can turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, we understand that we can also trust our loves ones to His care." (Family Support Guide, draft copy 2009)
To me, the sum of codepency are these things:
Unrealistic and unhealthy expectations of ourselves and others.
Fear that our desires and expectations have not been or will not be met.
Lack of knowledge or rememberance of our true divine worth.
I know that there are many more ingredients in the codependency mix, but for me, these are the hardest for me to over come.
In her book, Codependent No More, Meldoy Beattie states that "codependency is many things. It is a dependency on people- on their moods, behaviors, sickness or well-being, and their love." 
My goal for this weekend is to recognize what expectations I may have that are not healthy or realistic. To start letting go of those expectations. And more importantly, to stop depending on others moods, behaviors, sickness, well-being and love, and come to understand and know myself as a divine spirit daughter of my Heavenly Father.
"Recovery from codependency is exciting. It is liberating. It lets us be who we are. It lets other people be who they are. It helps us own our God-given power to think, feel, and act. It feels good. It brings peace. It enables us to love ourselves and others. It allows us to receive love-some of the good stuff we've all been looking for. It provides an optimum environment for the people around us to get and stay healthy." (Meldoy Beattie, Codependent No More, ch.4, Codependent Characteristics)
This is not an easy road...for me anyway. But it's a road that I am grateful to travel.

Hi. My name is Sara. And I'm codependent.

I remember hearing the word "codependent" when I was 17. It was while I was in therapy. How much therapy does a 17 year old need? Well, I don't know about other 17 year olds, but I needed a lot!!
I already felt like my life was a hopeless abyss of things that were totally out of control. Or, more appropriately, out of MY control.
Up to that point in my life I had experienced my own significant losses and disappointments to the point that I was extrememly depressed. Being depressed has never been my nature. Or, it wasn't until I started to feel helpless in my own life.
This is when my journey into codependence started. Looking back, I can see so clearly how it happened. How it felt. What I believed about myself...
I grew up in a good home. I was happy for the most part and spoiled beyond all reason (I was the youngest of 8).  Unfortunately, my parent's had already planted and cultivated certain seeds of codependence when they lost their first son when he was only 4, to cancer.  Then, when they had children who made serious life choices that they themselves didn't agree with and felt sorrow over. Then, again, when they lost a daughter-in-law with cancer, a grandson with a heart defect, both sets of their parents, and again, the loss of another son, to a brain tumor.
All of this took place before I was 17.
It is very easy for me to see how so much loss and sorrow could elicit such a need for control. Any control.
Being a codependent myself, I know the questions they must have asked themselves:
"What did I do wrong?"
"How did this happen?"
"What do I do to keep this from happening again?"
"How can I make this stop?"
I would wager that even those who are not codependent, when experiencing the same losses, or worse, would ask the same questions. But the questions are only the beginning...
I didn't ask these same questions until about 6 years ago. In my own marriage, with my own struggles.
I was raised watching my parents try to answer these questions. I was educated in the art of codependency without myself, or my parents, even realizing it.
There is something natural that comes with being a parent, though. Something that makes us want to protect our kids from everything. We don't want them to experience the same pain we did. Or make the same dumb mistakes. But, when we're codependent, we actually take action to prevent those things. 
I never saw myself as codependent (because I despised the codependency I felt at times in my youth). I didn't want to see my own codependece. 
I actually didn't realize how truly codependent I am, until 2 months ago.
I had grown up with it. Heard about it. Seen it. Felt it. And I still didn't see my own problem until I was 31, and forced to open my eyes to what was happening in my life, and how I had contributed with my obsessiveness, my need for control and my constant caretaking and judging.
Two months ago, I thought the problems I had in my life were all caused by everyone else around me. They had made bad choices! They had lied! The more I fought for control and peace, the more chaos I found myself in! It was like the chaos started swallowing up my entire family, my faith, and my own will to survive.
That was when I attended my first 12 step meeting.
In that meeting I heard a familiar word. Yep, you guessed it: CODEPENDENT
I thought, "oh, yeah, I know what that is....don't I?"
As I listened to others who claimed codependency as their "addiction," it felt like they were describing my inner most thoughts and feelings. I couldn't believe it! They were me! I was them!
I couldn't ignore the truth any longer. I felt it had been slapped across my face.
I AM CODEPENDENT!
I have spent weeks trying to figure out why. How? What I'm realizing now, is that 'why', and 'how', don't matter as much as 'what.' What am I going to do now, to change it?
That is the very question I hope can be answered on this journey. I am ready to change!
I also know I'm not alone.
I know there are so many others who have felt, or who do feel, lost. Who have been betrayed. Who have been drenched in sorrow and existed day to day in the depths of despair, constant worry and anxiety.
I hope somehow, or in some way, that you can take this journey with me. That we can together overcome the emotional and mental handicap that is codependence.
It is my goal to write a new thought, new lesson learned or new perspective on here daily. I welcome and appreciate your thoughts and perspectives as well.
Here's to the beginning of the end, of my codependence!