A Continued Journey

I am afraid that I've been too personal and honest in my posts, and I hope I haven't offended or discouraged anyone. If I have, I apologize. I am only trying to be a voice of truth and offer the simple realization that those of us struggling with loved ones who are addicted or suffer from depression are not alone. Our feelings and fears are valid. And while I know we are none of us alike and our situations are as different as they are the same, I know that everyone with these challenges feels loss. Feels...hopelessness and sorrow. And then struggles against the heavy weight of it all to find hope and faith.
I know that we all have our days when we want to be done. When we want to give up and give in to our fears and our anger. When we have given ALL we even know how to give, and it still isn't enough.
I also know, that we have put our hearts and our emotional health in the hands of everyone else, and we are trying to salvage and regain them in order to heal.
My experiences are not yours. But I hope that you will find even just a hint of encouragement in the knowledge that we are all trying to accomplish our own un-dependence.
Thanks for following what, for me, has been a difficult learning experience.
I am learning so much about myself by being able to share my feelings and experiences here.
I will keep writing, for me, and hope that in the process you will feel welcomed into the realm of my journey to recovery from my codependence. I am sure it will take more time than I would like, but I will continue down this path to emotional integrity and freedom from my need to control.
Here's to another day of letting go, and having faith.

Lost...and Found

Perhaps I shouldn't be updating a blog that is focused on something that I clearly cannot master, or even attempt to achieve right now. But, if you'll allow me a place to grieve and think out loud, I am hopeful that it will help me...?
Living with an addict is like walking a swaying tight rope. But living with an addict who also happens to be Bi-polar, is like living with Jekyll and Hyde who are both addicts. You never know what side you will get or even if the side you will get will be coherent.
This is my current situation.
I'm not looking for a pity party, or a way to feel sorry for myself.
I choose to be where I am.
For now.

There are so many parts of me that want to give up. Then, there are the parts of me that know I will live with regret and sorrow for the rest of my life if I do. I am stuck in limbo.
I don't want to fight anymore. I am exhausted. My doctor recently told me that if I don't  relax and de-stress my life, I will become extremely ill because my adrenals are so severely fatigued that I can hardly function anymore without anxiety and panic.
In spite of my current home situation, I am doing my best to overcome the stress and fatigue that want to follow me around where ever I go.

No matter how close I think I've come to letting go, or to stepping back and relinquishing control, somehow I always snap back to this horrible, unsettling place. I don't want to be here, and I think "I must be doing something wrong!" I know that I am doing things wrong and that I won't get things totally figured out in this lifetime or get anywhere near perfection...but I hoped I would make more progress than I seem to have made at this point.

I have no desire to move forward. None. And for the first time, I feel at peace with letting the "chips fall where they may."  But I am reminded that this is not just about me. There are others who would suffer from my refusal to continue on this path.

The scripture that comes to mind is in D&C 123:17: section 123: “Therefore … let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed."

Cheerfully??? Really??? Certainly this doesn't apply to me...to my heartache and sorrow...
I know it does.
My "problems" significantly pale in comparison to Joseph Smith's when this was his answer to a heartfelt prayer.  Surely, if he submitted to do 'cheerfully' what he could in his life, under such awful conditions and tremendous sorrow...then I must absolutely do my best to do so as well!

My heart is broken. My trust gone. My hope is dwindling. I ache and cry and yearn for peace, and an end to the suffering of my family. But I cannot change anything. The Lord can. He can soften any heart, including my own.

I hope to cheerfully submit to His will and to all that I can do, and continue to seek a righteous desire to press forward through this trial. I know I am not alone. You are not alone. Even when it's darkest and our tears are falling heavily.
I am comforted by this knowledge and I am grateful for the many blessings I do have.

Thank you for allowing me to express my deepest feelings without judgement. I pray for all of us who are seeking peace and the ability to let go and turn it over to our Savior and Heavenly Father.
May He bless you all.

Over Heart...Over Mind

I haven't written for a very long while. Mostly because I have become so busy with school, mom stuff and dealing with the snowballs that life seems to throw my direction when I least expect them. But my lack of writing hasn't stemmed from the lack of thoughts I've had surrounding my recovery from codependency. Every day has brought it's challenges and I have faced them the best I know how. And, of course, I still learn from these daily experiences that I am still on a path to free myself from codependency, but have not reached the target destination yet. I will though. I am determined!
About a month ago I went through a new stage. Well...for me it was new. I have cycled through the many stages of loss over and over again but this is the first time I've felt so alone and disconnected from the rest of the world that I actually considered the many ways I could escape my life as I have come to know it.
I could logical ascertain that I was depressed. But this seemed beyond depression. It was as though Satan was determined to sabotage every tiny little thought I had that had a hint of happiness or light in it. I truly felt darkness I hadn't felt before.
I stopped praying. I stopped reading. I stopped trying.
Every thought was excruciating. I wanted it to stop so much. And yet I couldn't pin-point a certain cause. I couldn't figure out how to stop what I was feeling and thinking. I felt more out of control than ever before!
Now, as we codependents know, feeling out of control is not our cup-o-tea! For someone who was already struggling with letting go of control of others, I was now struggling to let go of control over my thoughts and feelings. Wait...what??? Aren't I the only one I can control? How do I let go of control over my own thoughts and feelings? That's crazy right?
Well...I've been thinking about this a lot, because the thoughts and feelings have significantly improved and the only thing that changed was my will to control even my own thoughts and feelings.
One night a couple weeks ago, I woke up from the most heinous dream. I won't go into detail, but it shook me and rattled me to tears! It was at that point that I realized I would go crazy if I continued to try to live in my head the way I was. That was the first night I decided to pray again in 2 weeks.
I opened my prayer and simply asked my Heavenly Father to help me let go of the control I was trying to have over my feelings and thoughts. I realized then that the feelings and thoughts I was having were about things I couldn't control in my life. I was going crazy thinking about them. And there was a LOT! I asked for Him to take my heart and my mind in His hands and help me feel and think the things I needed to in order to dispel the darkness that I was in.
I know that since then I have had divine help. At the same time, I realize that part of letting go and turning our will over to Heavenly Father means that we let go of "thinking" or "feeling" that we will ever have control of our addicts or our loved ones that have hurt us! I have let go of trying to make choices for people, or manipulating...but I haven't let go of feeling or thinking that I need control. Whew! What a concept!
If we truly are what we think, then I am still a codependent control freak! I need to be an un-dependent thinker, and finally get over thinking and feeling the need for control.
This will be hard. These thoughts and feelings are second nature for me. I have had them for a very long time.
I will do it though! It's the biggest step I feel I can take right now to letting go of control and truly trusting in and turning it all over to the Lord.

I can say what I feel and still be a good person???

Communication is one of the most difficult things to learn to do it effectively! I am realizing too, after reading and trying to absorb ch. 17 in Codependent No More, that I am afraid of communicating! Now...that's healthy! :s
I am never confident enough with myself to just say what I am truly feeling. Melody believes, as I do, that this is a symptom of codependent behavior and the desire to fix and control rather than allow. I had never thought of communication in this light. I had always thought that somehow when I communicated that I was just being kind. Or even diplomatic. I never wanted to come across as rude or hurt other peoples feelings.
Somewhere along the line growing up, I learned that sharing your true feelings created defensive answers and guilt. So, I would try to say what I thought by skirting around the issue OR making it seem as though my feelings were fleeting and not as sincere as I really felt them. I have also apologize for FEELING before.
I love this section from Melody's book:
"Codependents are indirect. We don't say what we mean, we don't mean what we say. We don't do it on purpose. We do it because we've learned to communicate this way. At some point, either in our childhood or adult family, we learned it was wrong to talk about problems, express feelings, and express opinions. We've learned it was wrong to directly state what we want and need. It was certainly wrong to say no, and to stand up for ourselves. An alcoholic/[addict] will be glad to teach these rules; we have been willing to learn and accept them."
This describes me well. I don't feel its acceptable to think and feel what I do, let alone to share any of my thoughts and feelings. So I try to in a round about way. (That doesn't work...in case you were wondering.)
Melody states that we have to believe and trust in ourselves and what we are thinking and feeling and believe that they are important thoughts and feelings.
I think the other part of my problem is that I try to "fix" someone else's thinking if it's different than mine. I feel threatened or scared if we aren't in agreement. I can't exactly explain why. I don't like that I do that! I know that what I am thinking is true, for me. So it shouldn't matter if others agree with me or not.
"We don't have to be controlled by what other people say; we don't have to try to control them with our words and special effects. We don't have to be manipulated, guilted, coerced, or forced into anything. We can open our mouths and take care of ourselves! Learn to say: 'I love you, but I love me too. This is what I have to do to take care of me.
We can be assertive and stand up for ourselves without being abrasive or aggressive...we can show compassion and concern without rescuing. Learn to say 'I'm sorry you're having that problem.' Then let it go."
OH MAN! I need work on this SO much! I am trying to understand my fears and my beliefs that have been making it so difficult to communicate in a healthy way! I don't like communicating as a codependent. I don't like playing that game. I'm going to change this!
At the end of the chapter, Melody says this:
"We need to take responsibility for communication. Let our words reflect high self-esteem and esteem for others. Be honest. Be direct. Be open...In love and dignity, speak the truth-as we think, feel and know it-and it shall set us free."
I believe we all have enough pride that we can be offended easily, read into the words of others or get easily ruffled because there's no way we could be manipulative or indirect...right?!
I want to be a better listener too. I want to listen and not worry about fixing. Or what my next statement will be. Or how I can turn it around (that's more a subconscious thought...but anyway...).
I will be more aware of my inner guide and the Spirit of Truth. If there's truth to a statement about me or my behavior, I want to see it, so I can grow and become a better person. I will also be ready to state, without fear, my feelings, knowing that they are valid without needing the extra validation.
It's so clear that we can't change others, only ourselves. We can't control others, only ourselves. But we can love others, and ourselves.
I don't have to be around or put up with a negative, abusive person. I can say no. And I'm still a good person.
Huh...who'd have thought?

My "I"dentiy

I recently stumble upon a website about codependency, and while I felt that overall it was messy and hard to navigate, I did find one article interesting.
A portion of the article discussed the fact that codependents don't have their own identity. Here is a direct quote from the site:
"Codependents lack in self-perception and can only identify who they are through that of a second person. They manifest 'who they are' only through another's eyes, thoughts, or views of them...and without another they are unable to find their own identity. Codependents tend to latch onto partners because of this lack of being able to self-identify through themselves."
I was taken back! I knew I struggled with self esteem, and feeling loved. This helped explain that!
The article also talked about how self absorbed codependents are, and yet they feel like they do everything for everyone else...hmmm. Sounds familiar.
What I read was a good boost for me to take charge of my identity!
What do I like to do? What's my favorite food? What do I love to do? What do I want accomplish in life? What do I think about myself?
I realized some things that I have let go of, simply because I became so codependent on my spouse that I absorbed his interests and dis-interests that I had forgotten about them. Yet, there really was no reason to dismiss these things. They are a part of my upbringing...who I am, and what I used to enjoy as a part of my life. My independent life...no matter how small that independence may have been.
So, I have decided to once again, discover things I used to enjoy and find myself again! My "I"dentity!
I have been so afraid of being thought of as selfish that I haven't tried to really think of my own needs and desires. Because I let go of myself this way, I actually became more self absorbed and needy than I want to admit.
I sincerely hope to change all of that! I want to me! To know what I want, what's important, and what I really need, and not have any of it based on what I think others think of me and what they think is best for me! I have a brain, I will use it to think for myself!
My new favorite movie is The Blind Side, with Sandra Bullock. I have attached myself to her character! I love her independence and her self-confidence! She can be loving and firm at the same time! She is always standing up for her beliefs and she doesn't care what anyone else thinks. She knows who she is, and what is right! And she sticks to that! I admire this and hope to be more like this, since it rings true to who I feel I really am inside!
But, I won't be LeighAnn, I will be Sara! I will find my own strengths and my self confidence!
I will find my identity!

"The best medicine always tastes the worst."

I just finished a book called "The Same Kind of Different As Me." If you're looking for a great book to read that uplifts and inspires, this is a great book to read! It's not a book about codependency, but I learned a great deal about turning my life over to God and His will, and recognized true love and charity on behalf of the wife in the story. She was NOT codependent, and I want to be like her in SO many ways! She's an amazing woman for sure!!
I listened to this book on CD while traveling back from Wyoming today. Although I had my fun boys in the car (and they were actually very well behaved), it was a very lonely drive for me.
I had a lot of time to think about my life. My marriage. My family. My faith. My fears. And how much I hate semi trucks!
Over the weekend, I felt I did my best to let go and relinquish control. I wanted to "go with the flow" and feel at peace and be at ease about our difficult family situation right now.
Though I made a great effort, I allowed my fears to get the best of me and, at times, allowed my codependency to jump out scare everyone around me. I am not proud of myself.
However, I do feel that I learned a great deal about what is important, what isn't and what my part is.
In this book I mentioned above, one of the main characters in the story says that "the best medicine always tastes the worst." When I heard that, I actually started to cry. This statement seemed to sum up exactly what I have been feeling in the last year.
Although the struggles and trials can taste awful to the heart and soul, they are the best medicine we can have to learn and grow and gain the strength and courage we need to fight through them.
I know that this year away from my best friend and my companion will be very bitter tasting, and difficult to swallow. But I know that it will be the strengthening experience we need in our marriage.
The codependent part of me is so terrified of what "could" happen over the course of a year. All the what if questions start coming out and I get the anxious, overwhelming, out-of-control feeling that we all know so well. I start wondering what I can do to make sure that those things don't happen (ie, if I lose weight, if I get a tan, if I redecorate the house the way he likes it, if I grow out my hair...)and then I start to hate myself because I'm not being who I really am, I am trying to change myself in order to change or control an outcome that I really have no control over anyway. I lose myself. Then, luckily, I start to realize what I'm doing, and I say to myself, "I am a daughter of God. It's not about me, or my control. It's about His will. Let it go." Then, I say a prayer that I can feel the love of my Heavenly Father and the peace that His love brings, so that I can move forward, and let it go. I pray that I can recognize His will, and turn mine over to Him.
I had to do this at least 20 times on my drive home. Letting go and loving myself are not easy things for me to do. But, I know it's something that I will conquer through this experience!
Being so distant from my husband will prohibit me from leaning on him for emotional or mental support. Which, sadly, I have depended on too much in the past.
I will remember how to provide that support for myself with the help of my Heavenly Father, and I will be healthier for that.
So, even though I cry at night because I'm not use to emptiness of my room without my sweetheart, and I actually miss his snoring, I can be grateful for the crucial life lessons I am learning through the process, and I'll do my best to remember, that "the best medicine always tastes the worst."

It's been a while...

So many changes have taken place in the last 2 weeks, so I haven't had the time to write as I have wanted.

I really wanted to share some thoughts about what I've been pondering on lately that have truly helped me to grow through some more recent trials.

As a codependent, it's been a tough couple of weeks. Mostly because I'm having to learn to let go again...in a different way.

Next weekend, a new chapter begins in my family, because my husband has decided to go to school in another state. Since I am in school and can't leave, and we don't want to move our kids on such short notice, we will be staying behind.

The logical and more "in-tune" part of me knows that this is the best thing for my family right now. I also know that it's an opportunity that we've needed as a family to grow and become closer while learning patience and endurance. But the codependent part of me...the insecure part of me and the emotional part of me, has been terrified!

I've been asking myself if I can really do all this by myself? What if things get worse while he's gone? What if, what if, what if...

I was driving myself and my poor husband crazy, and then one night, when my oldest was having a hard time getting to sleep because he was scared, I went in to talk with him and read him one of my favorite scriptures.  It is Moroni 8:16-17.

As I read this to him, I was struck upside the head with the realization that I had forgotten how this scripture applied to me. To everyone. No matter what you're afraid of. Here is what it states:
"...I fear not what man can do; for perfect love casteth out all fear."

Moroni goes on in the next verse to explain that perfect love is to have charity. Which I have written about before. But this time, it was so very clear that I need to have perfect love-charity-in order to cast out all my fears. No matter how silly or how valid they may be. 

I don't need to fear what will happen, if I can open my heart to the love of the Savior and love those around me and serve them however I can. To me, this means more directly, to serve my family and my husband the best I can while we go through these tough changes in our home.

Things have been tough in our home for a while. There's no denying that. And my kids have been amazing through it all. They are wonderful boys and I'm eternally grateful to have the privilege of being their mother.

I hope I can keep a hold of this new perspective throughout the next year. I want to let go of my codependent ways and have the faith and strength neccessary to "fear not."

Here goes...