My "I"dentiy

I recently stumble upon a website about codependency, and while I felt that overall it was messy and hard to navigate, I did find one article interesting.
A portion of the article discussed the fact that codependents don't have their own identity. Here is a direct quote from the site:
"Codependents lack in self-perception and can only identify who they are through that of a second person. They manifest 'who they are' only through another's eyes, thoughts, or views of them...and without another they are unable to find their own identity. Codependents tend to latch onto partners because of this lack of being able to self-identify through themselves."
I was taken back! I knew I struggled with self esteem, and feeling loved. This helped explain that!
The article also talked about how self absorbed codependents are, and yet they feel like they do everything for everyone else...hmmm. Sounds familiar.
What I read was a good boost for me to take charge of my identity!
What do I like to do? What's my favorite food? What do I love to do? What do I want accomplish in life? What do I think about myself?
I realized some things that I have let go of, simply because I became so codependent on my spouse that I absorbed his interests and dis-interests that I had forgotten about them. Yet, there really was no reason to dismiss these things. They are a part of my upbringing...who I am, and what I used to enjoy as a part of my life. My independent life...no matter how small that independence may have been.
So, I have decided to once again, discover things I used to enjoy and find myself again! My "I"dentity!
I have been so afraid of being thought of as selfish that I haven't tried to really think of my own needs and desires. Because I let go of myself this way, I actually became more self absorbed and needy than I want to admit.
I sincerely hope to change all of that! I want to me! To know what I want, what's important, and what I really need, and not have any of it based on what I think others think of me and what they think is best for me! I have a brain, I will use it to think for myself!
My new favorite movie is The Blind Side, with Sandra Bullock. I have attached myself to her character! I love her independence and her self-confidence! She can be loving and firm at the same time! She is always standing up for her beliefs and she doesn't care what anyone else thinks. She knows who she is, and what is right! And she sticks to that! I admire this and hope to be more like this, since it rings true to who I feel I really am inside!
But, I won't be LeighAnn, I will be Sara! I will find my own strengths and my self confidence!
I will find my identity!

"The best medicine always tastes the worst."

I just finished a book called "The Same Kind of Different As Me." If you're looking for a great book to read that uplifts and inspires, this is a great book to read! It's not a book about codependency, but I learned a great deal about turning my life over to God and His will, and recognized true love and charity on behalf of the wife in the story. She was NOT codependent, and I want to be like her in SO many ways! She's an amazing woman for sure!!
I listened to this book on CD while traveling back from Wyoming today. Although I had my fun boys in the car (and they were actually very well behaved), it was a very lonely drive for me.
I had a lot of time to think about my life. My marriage. My family. My faith. My fears. And how much I hate semi trucks!
Over the weekend, I felt I did my best to let go and relinquish control. I wanted to "go with the flow" and feel at peace and be at ease about our difficult family situation right now.
Though I made a great effort, I allowed my fears to get the best of me and, at times, allowed my codependency to jump out scare everyone around me. I am not proud of myself.
However, I do feel that I learned a great deal about what is important, what isn't and what my part is.
In this book I mentioned above, one of the main characters in the story says that "the best medicine always tastes the worst." When I heard that, I actually started to cry. This statement seemed to sum up exactly what I have been feeling in the last year.
Although the struggles and trials can taste awful to the heart and soul, they are the best medicine we can have to learn and grow and gain the strength and courage we need to fight through them.
I know that this year away from my best friend and my companion will be very bitter tasting, and difficult to swallow. But I know that it will be the strengthening experience we need in our marriage.
The codependent part of me is so terrified of what "could" happen over the course of a year. All the what if questions start coming out and I get the anxious, overwhelming, out-of-control feeling that we all know so well. I start wondering what I can do to make sure that those things don't happen (ie, if I lose weight, if I get a tan, if I redecorate the house the way he likes it, if I grow out my hair...)and then I start to hate myself because I'm not being who I really am, I am trying to change myself in order to change or control an outcome that I really have no control over anyway. I lose myself. Then, luckily, I start to realize what I'm doing, and I say to myself, "I am a daughter of God. It's not about me, or my control. It's about His will. Let it go." Then, I say a prayer that I can feel the love of my Heavenly Father and the peace that His love brings, so that I can move forward, and let it go. I pray that I can recognize His will, and turn mine over to Him.
I had to do this at least 20 times on my drive home. Letting go and loving myself are not easy things for me to do. But, I know it's something that I will conquer through this experience!
Being so distant from my husband will prohibit me from leaning on him for emotional or mental support. Which, sadly, I have depended on too much in the past.
I will remember how to provide that support for myself with the help of my Heavenly Father, and I will be healthier for that.
So, even though I cry at night because I'm not use to emptiness of my room without my sweetheart, and I actually miss his snoring, I can be grateful for the crucial life lessons I am learning through the process, and I'll do my best to remember, that "the best medicine always tastes the worst."

It's been a while...

So many changes have taken place in the last 2 weeks, so I haven't had the time to write as I have wanted.

I really wanted to share some thoughts about what I've been pondering on lately that have truly helped me to grow through some more recent trials.

As a codependent, it's been a tough couple of weeks. Mostly because I'm having to learn to let go again...in a different way.

Next weekend, a new chapter begins in my family, because my husband has decided to go to school in another state. Since I am in school and can't leave, and we don't want to move our kids on such short notice, we will be staying behind.

The logical and more "in-tune" part of me knows that this is the best thing for my family right now. I also know that it's an opportunity that we've needed as a family to grow and become closer while learning patience and endurance. But the codependent part of me...the insecure part of me and the emotional part of me, has been terrified!

I've been asking myself if I can really do all this by myself? What if things get worse while he's gone? What if, what if, what if...

I was driving myself and my poor husband crazy, and then one night, when my oldest was having a hard time getting to sleep because he was scared, I went in to talk with him and read him one of my favorite scriptures.  It is Moroni 8:16-17.

As I read this to him, I was struck upside the head with the realization that I had forgotten how this scripture applied to me. To everyone. No matter what you're afraid of. Here is what it states:
"...I fear not what man can do; for perfect love casteth out all fear."

Moroni goes on in the next verse to explain that perfect love is to have charity. Which I have written about before. But this time, it was so very clear that I need to have perfect love-charity-in order to cast out all my fears. No matter how silly or how valid they may be. 

I don't need to fear what will happen, if I can open my heart to the love of the Savior and love those around me and serve them however I can. To me, this means more directly, to serve my family and my husband the best I can while we go through these tough changes in our home.

Things have been tough in our home for a while. There's no denying that. And my kids have been amazing through it all. They are wonderful boys and I'm eternally grateful to have the privilege of being their mother.

I hope I can keep a hold of this new perspective throughout the next year. I want to let go of my codependent ways and have the faith and strength neccessary to "fear not."

Here goes...

I'm not even sure I should be writing on this blog today, because it's abundantly clear that I have failed my attempts to overcome my codependency...
Despite my most valiant attempts, here I am today feeling the weight of my failure. I am losing the battle.
Why is hind sight always 20/20?
I can look back over the last year and clearly see the codependent monster I have been. It's ugly. I am ashamed and embarrassed.
While I have made small improvements in the areas that I have written of and studied about. It has not been enough. I have not done enough. Changed enough. Loved enough.
I am pleading with the Lord for strength and comfort. It is always a difficult thing to be faced with my own mistakes and faults and pride. I have been humbled. I can now see.
I am so sorry. So very, very sorry.

When your tender heart is broken,
and your soul longs to forget,
When your face is red and stained
with the cold tears of regret.
When it seems no more
that love you'll find,
In the lonely grasp
of life unkind.
I'll take you in my loving arms,
and calm your anguished cries.
Until your heart emerges,
from the deep sea of goodbyes.

I CAN think!!

I have been going non-stop and my mind and my body have been feeling so exhausted and overwhelmed that I have been feeling incapable of functioning at a normal, healthy level.
Due to the fact that I have been so very tired and busy, I have neglected to read again out of my favorite book, Codependent No More.
Feeling the desperate need tonight to understand my own mind, I sat down and opened up to chapter 15. The title made me laugh, considering my condition mentioned above.
The title is "Yes, you can think!"
I knew I needed this chapter!!
Melody described my self taught inability to trust my own decisions. She explained that many codependents have "lost faith in their ability to think and reason things out." She says "believing lies, lying to ourselves, chaos, stress, low self-esteem, and a stomach full of repressed emotions may cloud our ability to think. We become confused. That doesn't mean we can't think."
I cannot believe how much I could relate to this!
I have also been so overwhelmed with thinking that I would make a "wrong" choice and not ever have another chance to make a good choice again.
It sounds silly to write that down, when I think about it, but it really is how I have been thinking.
I have been second guessing most of my decisions or just avoiding decisions all together.
I thought that Melody's suggestions for gaining confidence in our mental abilities was so great, that I wanted to share them here. I hope you don't mind...
It's a bit of reading, and typing for me, but well worth it! Here it is:
1-Treat our minds to some peace: "If we're facing a decision, big or small, get peaceful first, then decide. Wait until our minds are consistent.  If we absolutely can't make a decision on a particular day, then it's obviously not time to make that decision. When it is time, we'll be able to do it. And do it well."
(This is a big eye-opener for me. I have made snap decisions thinking that I needed to do something fast. But, in the end, most of those snap decisions were not wise. I like this idea a LOT!)
2-Ask God to help us think-"Every morning, I ask Him to give me the right thought, word, or action.  I ask Him so send His inspiration and guidance.  I ask Him to help me solve my problems. I believe He does help. I know He does. But He expects me to do my part and think. Some days go better than others."
( I too have pleaded with the Lord for help to know how to productively respond to the day and situations that will arise. I would also add that reading scriptures or the 12 step manual also helps to put my mind into the correct frame of reference to handle what normally would be a reactive, codependent situation, as a calm, strong, independent, caring person. I know that the only way I have made it through my toughest days has been through the help of my Heavenly Father and my Savior.)
3-Quit abusing our minds-"Worry and obsession constitute mental abuse. Stop doing those things."
(I love how short and to-the-point this one is. Just don't do it. Hmmm....alrighty then. I'll stop.)
4-Feed our minds-"Give our minds information we need about problems and decisions, whether that problem is overeating, alcoholism, relationships, or how to buy a computer. Give our minds a reasonable amount of data, then let them sort through things. We will come up with good answers and solutions."
(In other words...read this book. Melody's book has helped me immensely!)
5-Feed our minds healthy thoughts-"Indulge in activities that uplift our thoughts and give us a postitive charge. Read a meditation book every morning. Find something that leaves us saying 'I can,' instead of 'I can't.'
(I need to work on this one. But I believe positive self-talk is very powerful. I want to do better at this one!)
6-Stretch our minds-"Many of us become so concerned about our problems and other people's problems that we stop reading newspapers, watching documentaries, reading books, and learning new things. Get interested in the world around us. Learn something new. Take a class."
(Done.)
7-Quit saying bad things about our minds-Stop telling ourselves things like, 'I'm stupid,' 'I can't make good decisions,' 'I'm really not very smart,' 'I've never been good at figuring things out,' or 'I'm not very good at decisions.' It's just as easy to say good things about ourselves as it is to say negative things. And, we'll probably start believing the positivie things and find out the're true. Isn't that exciting?"
(Yes...yes it is!)
8-Use our minds-"Make decisions. Formulate opinions. Express them. Create! Think things through, but don't worry and obsess. We don't have to let anyone make our decisions for us, unless we're wards of the state. And even if we are, we can still think and make some of our choices. Letting people make our decisions for us means we're getting rescued, which means we're feeling like victims.  We're not victims. Furthermore, it is not our business to make decisions for other adults. We can take possession of our power to think. And we can let others be responsible for their thinking. We will gain more confidence in ourselves, as we start feeling better and begin to make decisions, small and large. The people around us will grow, as they are allowed to make choices and mistakes."
(Whoo...that was long, but awesome. I feel more empowered just reading that!)

So, I have decided that THIS will be my goal for this week: I am going to apply as many of these suggestions into my daily life as possible. I will pray for help. I will not push myself to make hasty, snap decisions. I will read and educate myself on codependency and also on addiction. I will also be structured with my scripture study.
I will stop abusing my own mind with negative thoughts and self-talk. I will open my mind to new things and continue to learn.
I will USE MY MIND, because I have been blessed with one and the ability to use to it!
I know I will continue to make mistakes and poor decisions. I know that, because it's how I learn best. There's always tomorrow to make better decisions than ones we made today.

Called To Serve

I have had so many thoughts and feelings today, and I wish I had something inspiring to share that would lift us all up for the week. But truly, all I can say tonight is this:

SERVE!

I have found myself WISP-ing, as my awesome brother-in-law calls it. It's an acronym for Wallowing In Self Pitty.
Yes folks, I have been wallowing, and wallowing a LOT!
Poor me. Sad me. What am I to do? How could all this be happening to me? Why is the lying continuing? What will ever become of me and the children?
Sound familiar?

Now, don't get me wrong. I know I have valid reasons for feeling those things and asking myself those questions. The problem is, getting stuck there and not being able to get out alive.

Codependency sucks. Literally. It sucks the joy right out of you! It makes it hard to breathe, hard to think...not hard to eat though. I've gained weight on this codependent journey...
Anyway, I realized today that I have forgotten to SERVE the addict in my life. I have been harping on all the things they should be doing, what they aren't doing, how they should do it, why they should do it to the point that we're both frustrated and ready to throw in the towel.
I have some major repenting to do!

I know that the only way to love and appreciate this person, or anyone for that matter, is to serve them.  It doesn't mean that I have to condone their behavior or choices. It means that I have love and respect for them regardless of their addictions and bad habits.
It means that I can truly say I love them, not the sin. Not the pain. Not the lies. Just them. They are still a human being who is hurting and struggling and most likely harder on themselves than I could ever be!
My part is to serve and love!

"Is as much as ye have done it unto the least of these...ye have done it unto me."

Happy Mother's Day

I wanted to share some thoughts and quotes that I have found on Mothers, family, parenting and children over the years.  I love searching for and finding good quotes and messages to lighten the load, lift the spirit and stretch the mind.

As each mother's day approaches, I am always amazed at how little I feel I deserve any recognition as a mother. Yes, I do the same things as most mothers: driving, teaching, healing, fixing, playing, snuggling, praying, laughing, crying, cleaning, reading, reminding, encouraging, supporting and yes, at times, even hollaring! But what makes me a good mom, if I am one? I know my kids don't expect perfection. In fact I am reminded on occasion just how horrible I am compared to other moms who let their kids go see Iron Man II the night it comes out...not that that issue came up recently....uhem.
Anyway, I am feeling very grateful that my children can find reason behind wanting to celebrate this day with me! I wouldn't be a mother without them so I am very grateful for their making me a mom.
They teach me so much that I am so very grateful for! They are the greatest examples of being forgiving, humble, submissive, patient, loving and faithful.  Everyday I am in awe of their ever growing talents and abilities. They are so giving and want to much to help others be happy. Including their mom.
They have put up with a lot in our family. A lot more than I ever wanted or expected that they would have to. But they are stong, both spiritually and emotionally and they are very courageous. I know they will be amazing men and husbands some day...in spite of my efforts. :)
I hope these quotes brighten your day, as they do mine.
"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new." ~Rajneesh
"I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life." ~Abraham Lincoln

"Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories." ~John Wilmot
"Children are a great comfort in your old age - and they help you reach it faster, too." ~Lionel Kauffman
"Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children." ~Sam Levenson
"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." ~Elizabeth Stone
"Sing out loud in the car even, or especially, if it embarrasses your children." ~Marilyn Penland
"The world is as many times new as there are children in our lives." ~Robert Brault
"Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next." ~Franklin P. Jones
"Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said." ~Author Unknown
"A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Children find everything in nothing; men find nothing in everything." ~Giacomo Leopardi
"Anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead ought to tell a child to go to bed." ~Robert Gallagher
"The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old." ~Joan Kerr, Please Don't Eat the Daisies, 1957

Happy Mother's Day!