I haven't written for a very long while. Mostly because I have become so busy with school, mom stuff and dealing with the snowballs that life seems to throw my direction when I least expect them. But my lack of writing hasn't stemmed from the lack of thoughts I've had surrounding my recovery from codependency. Every day has brought it's challenges and I have faced them the best I know how. And, of course, I still learn from these daily experiences that I am still on a path to free myself from codependency, but have not reached the target destination yet. I will though. I am determined!
About a month ago I went through a new stage. Well...for me it was new. I have cycled through the many stages of loss over and over again but this is the first time I've felt so alone and disconnected from the rest of the world that I actually considered the many ways I could escape my life as I have come to know it.
I could logical ascertain that I was depressed. But this seemed beyond depression. It was as though Satan was determined to sabotage every tiny little thought I had that had a hint of happiness or light in it. I truly felt darkness I hadn't felt before.
I stopped praying. I stopped reading. I stopped trying.
Every thought was excruciating. I wanted it to stop so much. And yet I couldn't pin-point a certain cause. I couldn't figure out how to stop what I was feeling and thinking. I felt more out of control than ever before!
Now, as we codependents know, feeling out of control is not our cup-o-tea! For someone who was already struggling with letting go of control of others, I was now struggling to let go of control over my thoughts and feelings. Wait...what??? Aren't I the only one I can control? How do I let go of control over my own thoughts and feelings? That's crazy right?
Well...I've been thinking about this a lot, because the thoughts and feelings have significantly improved and the only thing that changed was my will to control even my own thoughts and feelings.
One night a couple weeks ago, I woke up from the most heinous dream. I won't go into detail, but it shook me and rattled me to tears! It was at that point that I realized I would go crazy if I continued to try to live in my head the way I was. That was the first night I decided to pray again in 2 weeks.
I opened my prayer and simply asked my Heavenly Father to help me let go of the control I was trying to have over my feelings and thoughts. I realized then that the feelings and thoughts I was having were about things I couldn't control in my life. I was going crazy thinking about them. And there was a LOT! I asked for Him to take my heart and my mind in His hands and help me feel and think the things I needed to in order to dispel the darkness that I was in.
I know that since then I have had divine help. At the same time, I realize that part of letting go and turning our will over to Heavenly Father means that we let go of "thinking" or "feeling" that we will ever have control of our addicts or our loved ones that have hurt us! I have let go of trying to make choices for people, or manipulating...but I haven't let go of feeling or thinking that I need control. Whew! What a concept!
If we truly are what we think, then I am still a codependent control freak! I need to be an un-dependent thinker, and finally get over thinking and feeling the need for control.
This will be hard. These thoughts and feelings are second nature for me. I have had them for a very long time.
I will do it though! It's the biggest step I feel I can take right now to letting go of control and truly trusting in and turning it all over to the Lord.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
I can say what I feel and still be a good person???
Communication is one of the most difficult things to learn to do it effectively! I am realizing too, after reading and trying to absorb ch. 17 in Codependent No More, that I am afraid of communicating! Now...that's healthy! :s
I am never confident enough with myself to just say what I am truly feeling. Melody believes, as I do, that this is a symptom of codependent behavior and the desire to fix and control rather than allow. I had never thought of communication in this light. I had always thought that somehow when I communicated that I was just being kind. Or even diplomatic. I never wanted to come across as rude or hurt other peoples feelings.
Somewhere along the line growing up, I learned that sharing your true feelings created defensive answers and guilt. So, I would try to say what I thought by skirting around the issue OR making it seem as though my feelings were fleeting and not as sincere as I really felt them. I have also apologize for FEELING before.
I love this section from Melody's book:
"Codependents are indirect. We don't say what we mean, we don't mean what we say. We don't do it on purpose. We do it because we've learned to communicate this way. At some point, either in our childhood or adult family, we learned it was wrong to talk about problems, express feelings, and express opinions. We've learned it was wrong to directly state what we want and need. It was certainly wrong to say no, and to stand up for ourselves. An alcoholic/[addict] will be glad to teach these rules; we have been willing to learn and accept them."
This describes me well. I don't feel its acceptable to think and feel what I do, let alone to share any of my thoughts and feelings. So I try to in a round about way. (That doesn't work...in case you were wondering.)
Melody states that we have to believe and trust in ourselves and what we are thinking and feeling and believe that they are important thoughts and feelings.
I think the other part of my problem is that I try to "fix" someone else's thinking if it's different than mine. I feel threatened or scared if we aren't in agreement. I can't exactly explain why. I don't like that I do that! I know that what I am thinking is true, for me. So it shouldn't matter if others agree with me or not.
"We don't have to be controlled by what other people say; we don't have to try to control them with our words and special effects. We don't have to be manipulated, guilted, coerced, or forced into anything. We can open our mouths and take care of ourselves! Learn to say: 'I love you, but I love me too. This is what I have to do to take care of me.
We can be assertive and stand up for ourselves without being abrasive or aggressive...we can show compassion and concern without rescuing. Learn to say 'I'm sorry you're having that problem.' Then let it go."
OH MAN! I need work on this SO much! I am trying to understand my fears and my beliefs that have been making it so difficult to communicate in a healthy way! I don't like communicating as a codependent. I don't like playing that game. I'm going to change this!
At the end of the chapter, Melody says this:
"We need to take responsibility for communication. Let our words reflect high self-esteem and esteem for others. Be honest. Be direct. Be open...In love and dignity, speak the truth-as we think, feel and know it-and it shall set us free."
I believe we all have enough pride that we can be offended easily, read into the words of others or get easily ruffled because there's no way we could be manipulative or indirect...right?!
I want to be a better listener too. I want to listen and not worry about fixing. Or what my next statement will be. Or how I can turn it around (that's more a subconscious thought...but anyway...).
I will be more aware of my inner guide and the Spirit of Truth. If there's truth to a statement about me or my behavior, I want to see it, so I can grow and become a better person. I will also be ready to state, without fear, my feelings, knowing that they are valid without needing the extra validation.
It's so clear that we can't change others, only ourselves. We can't control others, only ourselves. But we can love others, and ourselves.
I don't have to be around or put up with a negative, abusive person. I can say no. And I'm still a good person.
Huh...who'd have thought?
I am never confident enough with myself to just say what I am truly feeling. Melody believes, as I do, that this is a symptom of codependent behavior and the desire to fix and control rather than allow. I had never thought of communication in this light. I had always thought that somehow when I communicated that I was just being kind. Or even diplomatic. I never wanted to come across as rude or hurt other peoples feelings.
Somewhere along the line growing up, I learned that sharing your true feelings created defensive answers and guilt. So, I would try to say what I thought by skirting around the issue OR making it seem as though my feelings were fleeting and not as sincere as I really felt them. I have also apologize for FEELING before.
I love this section from Melody's book:
"Codependents are indirect. We don't say what we mean, we don't mean what we say. We don't do it on purpose. We do it because we've learned to communicate this way. At some point, either in our childhood or adult family, we learned it was wrong to talk about problems, express feelings, and express opinions. We've learned it was wrong to directly state what we want and need. It was certainly wrong to say no, and to stand up for ourselves. An alcoholic/[addict] will be glad to teach these rules; we have been willing to learn and accept them."
This describes me well. I don't feel its acceptable to think and feel what I do, let alone to share any of my thoughts and feelings. So I try to in a round about way. (That doesn't work...in case you were wondering.)
Melody states that we have to believe and trust in ourselves and what we are thinking and feeling and believe that they are important thoughts and feelings.
I think the other part of my problem is that I try to "fix" someone else's thinking if it's different than mine. I feel threatened or scared if we aren't in agreement. I can't exactly explain why. I don't like that I do that! I know that what I am thinking is true, for me. So it shouldn't matter if others agree with me or not.
"We don't have to be controlled by what other people say; we don't have to try to control them with our words and special effects. We don't have to be manipulated, guilted, coerced, or forced into anything. We can open our mouths and take care of ourselves! Learn to say: 'I love you, but I love me too. This is what I have to do to take care of me.
We can be assertive and stand up for ourselves without being abrasive or aggressive...we can show compassion and concern without rescuing. Learn to say 'I'm sorry you're having that problem.' Then let it go."
OH MAN! I need work on this SO much! I am trying to understand my fears and my beliefs that have been making it so difficult to communicate in a healthy way! I don't like communicating as a codependent. I don't like playing that game. I'm going to change this!
At the end of the chapter, Melody says this:
"We need to take responsibility for communication. Let our words reflect high self-esteem and esteem for others. Be honest. Be direct. Be open...In love and dignity, speak the truth-as we think, feel and know it-and it shall set us free."
I believe we all have enough pride that we can be offended easily, read into the words of others or get easily ruffled because there's no way we could be manipulative or indirect...right?!
I want to be a better listener too. I want to listen and not worry about fixing. Or what my next statement will be. Or how I can turn it around (that's more a subconscious thought...but anyway...).
I will be more aware of my inner guide and the Spirit of Truth. If there's truth to a statement about me or my behavior, I want to see it, so I can grow and become a better person. I will also be ready to state, without fear, my feelings, knowing that they are valid without needing the extra validation.
It's so clear that we can't change others, only ourselves. We can't control others, only ourselves. But we can love others, and ourselves.
I don't have to be around or put up with a negative, abusive person. I can say no. And I'm still a good person.
Huh...who'd have thought?
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
My "I"dentiy
I recently stumble upon a website about codependency, and while I felt that overall it was messy and hard to navigate, I did find one article interesting.
A portion of the article discussed the fact that codependents don't have their own identity. Here is a direct quote from the site:
"Codependents lack in self-perception and can only identify who they are through that of a second person. They manifest 'who they are' only through another's eyes, thoughts, or views of them...and without another they are unable to find their own identity. Codependents tend to latch onto partners because of this lack of being able to self-identify through themselves."
I was taken back! I knew I struggled with self esteem, and feeling loved. This helped explain that!
The article also talked about how self absorbed codependents are, and yet they feel like they do everything for everyone else...hmmm. Sounds familiar.
What I read was a good boost for me to take charge of my identity!
What do I like to do? What's my favorite food? What do I love to do? What do I want accomplish in life? What do I think about myself?
I realized some things that I have let go of, simply because I became so codependent on my spouse that I absorbed his interests and dis-interests that I had forgotten about them. Yet, there really was no reason to dismiss these things. They are a part of my upbringing...who I am, and what I used to enjoy as a part of my life. My independent life...no matter how small that independence may have been.
So, I have decided to once again, discover things I used to enjoy and find myself again! My "I"dentity!
I have been so afraid of being thought of as selfish that I haven't tried to really think of my own needs and desires. Because I let go of myself this way, I actually became more self absorbed and needy than I want to admit.
I sincerely hope to change all of that! I want to me! To know what I want, what's important, and what I really need, and not have any of it based on what I think others think of me and what they think is best for me! I have a brain, I will use it to think for myself!
My new favorite movie is The Blind Side, with Sandra Bullock. I have attached myself to her character! I love her independence and her self-confidence! She can be loving and firm at the same time! She is always standing up for her beliefs and she doesn't care what anyone else thinks. She knows who she is, and what is right! And she sticks to that! I admire this and hope to be more like this, since it rings true to who I feel I really am inside!
But, I won't be LeighAnn, I will be Sara! I will find my own strengths and my self confidence!
I will find my identity!
A portion of the article discussed the fact that codependents don't have their own identity. Here is a direct quote from the site:
"Codependents lack in self-perception and can only identify who they are through that of a second person. They manifest 'who they are' only through another's eyes, thoughts, or views of them...and without another they are unable to find their own identity. Codependents tend to latch onto partners because of this lack of being able to self-identify through themselves."
I was taken back! I knew I struggled with self esteem, and feeling loved. This helped explain that!
The article also talked about how self absorbed codependents are, and yet they feel like they do everything for everyone else...hmmm. Sounds familiar.
What I read was a good boost for me to take charge of my identity!
What do I like to do? What's my favorite food? What do I love to do? What do I want accomplish in life? What do I think about myself?
I realized some things that I have let go of, simply because I became so codependent on my spouse that I absorbed his interests and dis-interests that I had forgotten about them. Yet, there really was no reason to dismiss these things. They are a part of my upbringing...who I am, and what I used to enjoy as a part of my life. My independent life...no matter how small that independence may have been.
So, I have decided to once again, discover things I used to enjoy and find myself again! My "I"dentity!
I have been so afraid of being thought of as selfish that I haven't tried to really think of my own needs and desires. Because I let go of myself this way, I actually became more self absorbed and needy than I want to admit.
I sincerely hope to change all of that! I want to me! To know what I want, what's important, and what I really need, and not have any of it based on what I think others think of me and what they think is best for me! I have a brain, I will use it to think for myself!
My new favorite movie is The Blind Side, with Sandra Bullock. I have attached myself to her character! I love her independence and her self-confidence! She can be loving and firm at the same time! She is always standing up for her beliefs and she doesn't care what anyone else thinks. She knows who she is, and what is right! And she sticks to that! I admire this and hope to be more like this, since it rings true to who I feel I really am inside!
But, I won't be LeighAnn, I will be Sara! I will find my own strengths and my self confidence!
I will find my identity!
Monday, July 5, 2010
"The best medicine always tastes the worst."
I just finished a book called "The Same Kind of Different As Me." If you're looking for a great book to read that uplifts and inspires, this is a great book to read! It's not a book about codependency, but I learned a great deal about turning my life over to God and His will, and recognized true love and charity on behalf of the wife in the story. She was NOT codependent, and I want to be like her in SO many ways! She's an amazing woman for sure!!
I listened to this book on CD while traveling back from Wyoming today. Although I had my fun boys in the car (and they were actually very well behaved), it was a very lonely drive for me.
I had a lot of time to think about my life. My marriage. My family. My faith. My fears. And how much I hate semi trucks!
Over the weekend, I felt I did my best to let go and relinquish control. I wanted to "go with the flow" and feel at peace and be at ease about our difficult family situation right now.
Though I made a great effort, I allowed my fears to get the best of me and, at times, allowed my codependency to jump out scare everyone around me. I am not proud of myself.
However, I do feel that I learned a great deal about what is important, what isn't and what my part is.
In this book I mentioned above, one of the main characters in the story says that "the best medicine always tastes the worst." When I heard that, I actually started to cry. This statement seemed to sum up exactly what I have been feeling in the last year.
Although the struggles and trials can taste awful to the heart and soul, they are the best medicine we can have to learn and grow and gain the strength and courage we need to fight through them.
I know that this year away from my best friend and my companion will be very bitter tasting, and difficult to swallow. But I know that it will be the strengthening experience we need in our marriage.
The codependent part of me is so terrified of what "could" happen over the course of a year. All the what if questions start coming out and I get the anxious, overwhelming, out-of-control feeling that we all know so well. I start wondering what I can do to make sure that those things don't happen (ie, if I lose weight, if I get a tan, if I redecorate the house the way he likes it, if I grow out my hair...)and then I start to hate myself because I'm not being who I really am, I am trying to change myself in order to change or control an outcome that I really have no control over anyway. I lose myself. Then, luckily, I start to realize what I'm doing, and I say to myself, "I am a daughter of God. It's not about me, or my control. It's about His will. Let it go." Then, I say a prayer that I can feel the love of my Heavenly Father and the peace that His love brings, so that I can move forward, and let it go. I pray that I can recognize His will, and turn mine over to Him.
I had to do this at least 20 times on my drive home. Letting go and loving myself are not easy things for me to do. But, I know it's something that I will conquer through this experience!
Being so distant from my husband will prohibit me from leaning on him for emotional or mental support. Which, sadly, I have depended on too much in the past.
I will remember how to provide that support for myself with the help of my Heavenly Father, and I will be healthier for that.
So, even though I cry at night because I'm not use to emptiness of my room without my sweetheart, and I actually miss his snoring, I can be grateful for the crucial life lessons I am learning through the process, and I'll do my best to remember, that "the best medicine always tastes the worst."
I listened to this book on CD while traveling back from Wyoming today. Although I had my fun boys in the car (and they were actually very well behaved), it was a very lonely drive for me.
I had a lot of time to think about my life. My marriage. My family. My faith. My fears. And how much I hate semi trucks!
Over the weekend, I felt I did my best to let go and relinquish control. I wanted to "go with the flow" and feel at peace and be at ease about our difficult family situation right now.
Though I made a great effort, I allowed my fears to get the best of me and, at times, allowed my codependency to jump out scare everyone around me. I am not proud of myself.
However, I do feel that I learned a great deal about what is important, what isn't and what my part is.
In this book I mentioned above, one of the main characters in the story says that "the best medicine always tastes the worst." When I heard that, I actually started to cry. This statement seemed to sum up exactly what I have been feeling in the last year.
Although the struggles and trials can taste awful to the heart and soul, they are the best medicine we can have to learn and grow and gain the strength and courage we need to fight through them.
I know that this year away from my best friend and my companion will be very bitter tasting, and difficult to swallow. But I know that it will be the strengthening experience we need in our marriage.
The codependent part of me is so terrified of what "could" happen over the course of a year. All the what if questions start coming out and I get the anxious, overwhelming, out-of-control feeling that we all know so well. I start wondering what I can do to make sure that those things don't happen (ie, if I lose weight, if I get a tan, if I redecorate the house the way he likes it, if I grow out my hair...)and then I start to hate myself because I'm not being who I really am, I am trying to change myself in order to change or control an outcome that I really have no control over anyway. I lose myself. Then, luckily, I start to realize what I'm doing, and I say to myself, "I am a daughter of God. It's not about me, or my control. It's about His will. Let it go." Then, I say a prayer that I can feel the love of my Heavenly Father and the peace that His love brings, so that I can move forward, and let it go. I pray that I can recognize His will, and turn mine over to Him.
I had to do this at least 20 times on my drive home. Letting go and loving myself are not easy things for me to do. But, I know it's something that I will conquer through this experience!
Being so distant from my husband will prohibit me from leaning on him for emotional or mental support. Which, sadly, I have depended on too much in the past.
I will remember how to provide that support for myself with the help of my Heavenly Father, and I will be healthier for that.
So, even though I cry at night because I'm not use to emptiness of my room without my sweetheart, and I actually miss his snoring, I can be grateful for the crucial life lessons I am learning through the process, and I'll do my best to remember, that "the best medicine always tastes the worst."
Thursday, June 17, 2010
It's been a while...
So many changes have taken place in the last 2 weeks, so I haven't had the time to write as I have wanted.
I really wanted to share some thoughts about what I've been pondering on lately that have truly helped me to grow through some more recent trials.
As a codependent, it's been a tough couple of weeks. Mostly because I'm having to learn to let go again...in a different way.
Next weekend, a new chapter begins in my family, because my husband has decided to go to school in another state. Since I am in school and can't leave, and we don't want to move our kids on such short notice, we will be staying behind.
The logical and more "in-tune" part of me knows that this is the best thing for my family right now. I also know that it's an opportunity that we've needed as a family to grow and become closer while learning patience and endurance. But the codependent part of me...the insecure part of me and the emotional part of me, has been terrified!
I've been asking myself if I can really do all this by myself? What if things get worse while he's gone? What if, what if, what if...
I was driving myself and my poor husband crazy, and then one night, when my oldest was having a hard time getting to sleep because he was scared, I went in to talk with him and read him one of my favorite scriptures. It is Moroni 8:16-17.
As I read this to him, I was struck upside the head with the realization that I had forgotten how this scripture applied to me. To everyone. No matter what you're afraid of. Here is what it states:
"...I fear not what man can do; for perfect love casteth out all fear."
Moroni goes on in the next verse to explain that perfect love is to have charity. Which I have written about before. But this time, it was so very clear that I need to have perfect love-charity-in order to cast out all my fears. No matter how silly or how valid they may be.
I don't need to fear what will happen, if I can open my heart to the love of the Savior and love those around me and serve them however I can. To me, this means more directly, to serve my family and my husband the best I can while we go through these tough changes in our home.
Things have been tough in our home for a while. There's no denying that. And my kids have been amazing through it all. They are wonderful boys and I'm eternally grateful to have the privilege of being their mother.
I hope I can keep a hold of this new perspective throughout the next year. I want to let go of my codependent ways and have the faith and strength neccessary to "fear not."
Here goes...
I really wanted to share some thoughts about what I've been pondering on lately that have truly helped me to grow through some more recent trials.
As a codependent, it's been a tough couple of weeks. Mostly because I'm having to learn to let go again...in a different way.
Next weekend, a new chapter begins in my family, because my husband has decided to go to school in another state. Since I am in school and can't leave, and we don't want to move our kids on such short notice, we will be staying behind.
The logical and more "in-tune" part of me knows that this is the best thing for my family right now. I also know that it's an opportunity that we've needed as a family to grow and become closer while learning patience and endurance. But the codependent part of me...the insecure part of me and the emotional part of me, has been terrified!
I've been asking myself if I can really do all this by myself? What if things get worse while he's gone? What if, what if, what if...
I was driving myself and my poor husband crazy, and then one night, when my oldest was having a hard time getting to sleep because he was scared, I went in to talk with him and read him one of my favorite scriptures. It is Moroni 8:16-17.
As I read this to him, I was struck upside the head with the realization that I had forgotten how this scripture applied to me. To everyone. No matter what you're afraid of. Here is what it states:
"...I fear not what man can do; for perfect love casteth out all fear."
Moroni goes on in the next verse to explain that perfect love is to have charity. Which I have written about before. But this time, it was so very clear that I need to have perfect love-charity-in order to cast out all my fears. No matter how silly or how valid they may be.
I don't need to fear what will happen, if I can open my heart to the love of the Savior and love those around me and serve them however I can. To me, this means more directly, to serve my family and my husband the best I can while we go through these tough changes in our home.
Things have been tough in our home for a while. There's no denying that. And my kids have been amazing through it all. They are wonderful boys and I'm eternally grateful to have the privilege of being their mother.
I hope I can keep a hold of this new perspective throughout the next year. I want to let go of my codependent ways and have the faith and strength neccessary to "fear not."
Here goes...
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
I'm not even sure I should be writing on this blog today, because it's abundantly clear that I have failed my attempts to overcome my codependency...
Despite my most valiant attempts, here I am today feeling the weight of my failure. I am losing the battle.
Why is hind sight always 20/20?
I can look back over the last year and clearly see the codependent monster I have been. It's ugly. I am ashamed and embarrassed.
While I have made small improvements in the areas that I have written of and studied about. It has not been enough. I have not done enough. Changed enough. Loved enough.
I am pleading with the Lord for strength and comfort. It is always a difficult thing to be faced with my own mistakes and faults and pride. I have been humbled. I can now see.
I am so sorry. So very, very sorry.
When your tender heart is broken,
and your soul longs to forget,
When your face is red and stained
with the cold tears of regret.
When it seems no more
that love you'll find,
In the lonely grasp
of life unkind.
I'll take you in my loving arms,
and calm your anguished cries.
Until your heart emerges,
from the deep sea of goodbyes.
Despite my most valiant attempts, here I am today feeling the weight of my failure. I am losing the battle.
Why is hind sight always 20/20?
I can look back over the last year and clearly see the codependent monster I have been. It's ugly. I am ashamed and embarrassed.
While I have made small improvements in the areas that I have written of and studied about. It has not been enough. I have not done enough. Changed enough. Loved enough.
I am pleading with the Lord for strength and comfort. It is always a difficult thing to be faced with my own mistakes and faults and pride. I have been humbled. I can now see.
I am so sorry. So very, very sorry.
When your tender heart is broken,
and your soul longs to forget,
When your face is red and stained
with the cold tears of regret.
When it seems no more
that love you'll find,
In the lonely grasp
of life unkind.
I'll take you in my loving arms,
and calm your anguished cries.
Until your heart emerges,
from the deep sea of goodbyes.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
I CAN think!!
I have been going non-stop and my mind and my body have been feeling so exhausted and overwhelmed that I have been feeling incapable of functioning at a normal, healthy level.
Due to the fact that I have been so very tired and busy, I have neglected to read again out of my favorite book, Codependent No More.
Feeling the desperate need tonight to understand my own mind, I sat down and opened up to chapter 15. The title made me laugh, considering my condition mentioned above.
The title is "Yes, you can think!"
I knew I needed this chapter!!
Melody described my self taught inability to trust my own decisions. She explained that many codependents have "lost faith in their ability to think and reason things out." She says "believing lies, lying to ourselves, chaos, stress, low self-esteem, and a stomach full of repressed emotions may cloud our ability to think. We become confused. That doesn't mean we can't think."
I cannot believe how much I could relate to this!
I have also been so overwhelmed with thinking that I would make a "wrong" choice and not ever have another chance to make a good choice again.
It sounds silly to write that down, when I think about it, but it really is how I have been thinking.
I have been second guessing most of my decisions or just avoiding decisions all together.
I thought that Melody's suggestions for gaining confidence in our mental abilities was so great, that I wanted to share them here. I hope you don't mind...
It's a bit of reading, and typing for me, but well worth it! Here it is:
1-Treat our minds to some peace: "If we're facing a decision, big or small, get peaceful first, then decide. Wait until our minds are consistent. If we absolutely can't make a decision on a particular day, then it's obviously not time to make that decision. When it is time, we'll be able to do it. And do it well."
(This is a big eye-opener for me. I have made snap decisions thinking that I needed to do something fast. But, in the end, most of those snap decisions were not wise. I like this idea a LOT!)
2-Ask God to help us think-"Every morning, I ask Him to give me the right thought, word, or action. I ask Him so send His inspiration and guidance. I ask Him to help me solve my problems. I believe He does help. I know He does. But He expects me to do my part and think. Some days go better than others."
( I too have pleaded with the Lord for help to know how to productively respond to the day and situations that will arise. I would also add that reading scriptures or the 12 step manual also helps to put my mind into the correct frame of reference to handle what normally would be a reactive, codependent situation, as a calm, strong, independent, caring person. I know that the only way I have made it through my toughest days has been through the help of my Heavenly Father and my Savior.)
3-Quit abusing our minds-"Worry and obsession constitute mental abuse. Stop doing those things."
(I love how short and to-the-point this one is. Just don't do it. Hmmm....alrighty then. I'll stop.)
4-Feed our minds-"Give our minds information we need about problems and decisions, whether that problem is overeating, alcoholism, relationships, or how to buy a computer. Give our minds a reasonable amount of data, then let them sort through things. We will come up with good answers and solutions."
(In other words...read this book. Melody's book has helped me immensely!)
5-Feed our minds healthy thoughts-"Indulge in activities that uplift our thoughts and give us a postitive charge. Read a meditation book every morning. Find something that leaves us saying 'I can,' instead of 'I can't.'
(I need to work on this one. But I believe positive self-talk is very powerful. I want to do better at this one!)
6-Stretch our minds-"Many of us become so concerned about our problems and other people's problems that we stop reading newspapers, watching documentaries, reading books, and learning new things. Get interested in the world around us. Learn something new. Take a class."
(Done.)
7-Quit saying bad things about our minds-Stop telling ourselves things like, 'I'm stupid,' 'I can't make good decisions,' 'I'm really not very smart,' 'I've never been good at figuring things out,' or 'I'm not very good at decisions.' It's just as easy to say good things about ourselves as it is to say negative things. And, we'll probably start believing the positivie things and find out the're true. Isn't that exciting?"
(Yes...yes it is!)
8-Use our minds-"Make decisions. Formulate opinions. Express them. Create! Think things through, but don't worry and obsess. We don't have to let anyone make our decisions for us, unless we're wards of the state. And even if we are, we can still think and make some of our choices. Letting people make our decisions for us means we're getting rescued, which means we're feeling like victims. We're not victims. Furthermore, it is not our business to make decisions for other adults. We can take possession of our power to think. And we can let others be responsible for their thinking. We will gain more confidence in ourselves, as we start feeling better and begin to make decisions, small and large. The people around us will grow, as they are allowed to make choices and mistakes."
(Whoo...that was long, but awesome. I feel more empowered just reading that!)
So, I have decided that THIS will be my goal for this week: I am going to apply as many of these suggestions into my daily life as possible. I will pray for help. I will not push myself to make hasty, snap decisions. I will read and educate myself on codependency and also on addiction. I will also be structured with my scripture study.
I will stop abusing my own mind with negative thoughts and self-talk. I will open my mind to new things and continue to learn.
I will USE MY MIND, because I have been blessed with one and the ability to use to it!
I know I will continue to make mistakes and poor decisions. I know that, because it's how I learn best. There's always tomorrow to make better decisions than ones we made today.
Due to the fact that I have been so very tired and busy, I have neglected to read again out of my favorite book, Codependent No More.
Feeling the desperate need tonight to understand my own mind, I sat down and opened up to chapter 15. The title made me laugh, considering my condition mentioned above.
The title is "Yes, you can think!"
I knew I needed this chapter!!
Melody described my self taught inability to trust my own decisions. She explained that many codependents have "lost faith in their ability to think and reason things out." She says "believing lies, lying to ourselves, chaos, stress, low self-esteem, and a stomach full of repressed emotions may cloud our ability to think. We become confused. That doesn't mean we can't think."
I cannot believe how much I could relate to this!
I have also been so overwhelmed with thinking that I would make a "wrong" choice and not ever have another chance to make a good choice again.
It sounds silly to write that down, when I think about it, but it really is how I have been thinking.
I have been second guessing most of my decisions or just avoiding decisions all together.
I thought that Melody's suggestions for gaining confidence in our mental abilities was so great, that I wanted to share them here. I hope you don't mind...
It's a bit of reading, and typing for me, but well worth it! Here it is:
1-Treat our minds to some peace: "If we're facing a decision, big or small, get peaceful first, then decide. Wait until our minds are consistent. If we absolutely can't make a decision on a particular day, then it's obviously not time to make that decision. When it is time, we'll be able to do it. And do it well."
(This is a big eye-opener for me. I have made snap decisions thinking that I needed to do something fast. But, in the end, most of those snap decisions were not wise. I like this idea a LOT!)
2-Ask God to help us think-"Every morning, I ask Him to give me the right thought, word, or action. I ask Him so send His inspiration and guidance. I ask Him to help me solve my problems. I believe He does help. I know He does. But He expects me to do my part and think. Some days go better than others."
( I too have pleaded with the Lord for help to know how to productively respond to the day and situations that will arise. I would also add that reading scriptures or the 12 step manual also helps to put my mind into the correct frame of reference to handle what normally would be a reactive, codependent situation, as a calm, strong, independent, caring person. I know that the only way I have made it through my toughest days has been through the help of my Heavenly Father and my Savior.)
3-Quit abusing our minds-"Worry and obsession constitute mental abuse. Stop doing those things."
(I love how short and to-the-point this one is. Just don't do it. Hmmm....alrighty then. I'll stop.)
4-Feed our minds-"Give our minds information we need about problems and decisions, whether that problem is overeating, alcoholism, relationships, or how to buy a computer. Give our minds a reasonable amount of data, then let them sort through things. We will come up with good answers and solutions."
(In other words...read this book. Melody's book has helped me immensely!)
5-Feed our minds healthy thoughts-"Indulge in activities that uplift our thoughts and give us a postitive charge. Read a meditation book every morning. Find something that leaves us saying 'I can,' instead of 'I can't.'
(I need to work on this one. But I believe positive self-talk is very powerful. I want to do better at this one!)
6-Stretch our minds-"Many of us become so concerned about our problems and other people's problems that we stop reading newspapers, watching documentaries, reading books, and learning new things. Get interested in the world around us. Learn something new. Take a class."
(Done.)
7-Quit saying bad things about our minds-Stop telling ourselves things like, 'I'm stupid,' 'I can't make good decisions,' 'I'm really not very smart,' 'I've never been good at figuring things out,' or 'I'm not very good at decisions.' It's just as easy to say good things about ourselves as it is to say negative things. And, we'll probably start believing the positivie things and find out the're true. Isn't that exciting?"
(Yes...yes it is!)
8-Use our minds-"Make decisions. Formulate opinions. Express them. Create! Think things through, but don't worry and obsess. We don't have to let anyone make our decisions for us, unless we're wards of the state. And even if we are, we can still think and make some of our choices. Letting people make our decisions for us means we're getting rescued, which means we're feeling like victims. We're not victims. Furthermore, it is not our business to make decisions for other adults. We can take possession of our power to think. And we can let others be responsible for their thinking. We will gain more confidence in ourselves, as we start feeling better and begin to make decisions, small and large. The people around us will grow, as they are allowed to make choices and mistakes."
(Whoo...that was long, but awesome. I feel more empowered just reading that!)
So, I have decided that THIS will be my goal for this week: I am going to apply as many of these suggestions into my daily life as possible. I will pray for help. I will not push myself to make hasty, snap decisions. I will read and educate myself on codependency and also on addiction. I will also be structured with my scripture study.
I will stop abusing my own mind with negative thoughts and self-talk. I will open my mind to new things and continue to learn.
I will USE MY MIND, because I have been blessed with one and the ability to use to it!
I know I will continue to make mistakes and poor decisions. I know that, because it's how I learn best. There's always tomorrow to make better decisions than ones we made today.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Called To Serve
I have had so many thoughts and feelings today, and I wish I had something inspiring to share that would lift us all up for the week. But truly, all I can say tonight is this:
SERVE!
I have found myself WISP-ing, as my awesome brother-in-law calls it. It's an acronym for Wallowing In Self Pitty.
Yes folks, I have been wallowing, and wallowing a LOT!
Poor me. Sad me. What am I to do? How could all this be happening to me? Why is the lying continuing? What will ever become of me and the children?
Sound familiar?
Now, don't get me wrong. I know I have valid reasons for feeling those things and asking myself those questions. The problem is, getting stuck there and not being able to get out alive.
Codependency sucks. Literally. It sucks the joy right out of you! It makes it hard to breathe, hard to think...not hard to eat though. I've gained weight on this codependent journey...
Anyway, I realized today that I have forgotten to SERVE the addict in my life. I have been harping on all the things they should be doing, what they aren't doing, how they should do it, why they should do it to the point that we're both frustrated and ready to throw in the towel.
I have some major repenting to do!
I know that the only way to love and appreciate this person, or anyone for that matter, is to serve them. It doesn't mean that I have to condone their behavior or choices. It means that I have love and respect for them regardless of their addictions and bad habits.
It means that I can truly say I love them, not the sin. Not the pain. Not the lies. Just them. They are still a human being who is hurting and struggling and most likely harder on themselves than I could ever be!
My part is to serve and love!
"Is as much as ye have done it unto the least of these...ye have done it unto me."
SERVE!
I have found myself WISP-ing, as my awesome brother-in-law calls it. It's an acronym for Wallowing In Self Pitty.
Yes folks, I have been wallowing, and wallowing a LOT!
Poor me. Sad me. What am I to do? How could all this be happening to me? Why is the lying continuing? What will ever become of me and the children?
Sound familiar?
Now, don't get me wrong. I know I have valid reasons for feeling those things and asking myself those questions. The problem is, getting stuck there and not being able to get out alive.
Codependency sucks. Literally. It sucks the joy right out of you! It makes it hard to breathe, hard to think...not hard to eat though. I've gained weight on this codependent journey...
Anyway, I realized today that I have forgotten to SERVE the addict in my life. I have been harping on all the things they should be doing, what they aren't doing, how they should do it, why they should do it to the point that we're both frustrated and ready to throw in the towel.
I have some major repenting to do!
I know that the only way to love and appreciate this person, or anyone for that matter, is to serve them. It doesn't mean that I have to condone their behavior or choices. It means that I have love and respect for them regardless of their addictions and bad habits.
It means that I can truly say I love them, not the sin. Not the pain. Not the lies. Just them. They are still a human being who is hurting and struggling and most likely harder on themselves than I could ever be!
My part is to serve and love!
"Is as much as ye have done it unto the least of these...ye have done it unto me."
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Happy Mother's Day
I wanted to share some thoughts and quotes that I have found on Mothers, family, parenting and children over the years. I love searching for and finding good quotes and messages to lighten the load, lift the spirit and stretch the mind.
As each mother's day approaches, I am always amazed at how little I feel I deserve any recognition as a mother. Yes, I do the same things as most mothers: driving, teaching, healing, fixing, playing, snuggling, praying, laughing, crying, cleaning, reading, reminding, encouraging, supporting and yes, at times, even hollaring! But what makes me a good mom, if I am one? I know my kids don't expect perfection. In fact I am reminded on occasion just how horrible I am compared to other moms who let their kids go see Iron Man II the night it comes out...not that that issue came up recently....uhem.
Anyway, I am feeling very grateful that my children can find reason behind wanting to celebrate this day with me! I wouldn't be a mother without them so I am very grateful for their making me a mom.
They teach me so much that I am so very grateful for! They are the greatest examples of being forgiving, humble, submissive, patient, loving and faithful. Everyday I am in awe of their ever growing talents and abilities. They are so giving and want to much to help others be happy. Including their mom.
They have put up with a lot in our family. A lot more than I ever wanted or expected that they would have to. But they are stong, both spiritually and emotionally and they are very courageous. I know they will be amazing men and husbands some day...in spite of my efforts. :)
I hope these quotes brighten your day, as they do mine.
"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new." ~Rajneesh
"I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life." ~Abraham Lincoln
"Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories." ~John Wilmot
"Children are a great comfort in your old age - and they help you reach it faster, too." ~Lionel Kauffman
"Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children." ~Sam Levenson
"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." ~Elizabeth Stone
"Sing out loud in the car even, or especially, if it embarrasses your children." ~Marilyn Penland
"The world is as many times new as there are children in our lives." ~Robert Brault
"Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next." ~Franklin P. Jones
"Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said." ~Author Unknown
"A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Children find everything in nothing; men find nothing in everything." ~Giacomo Leopardi
"Anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead ought to tell a child to go to bed." ~Robert Gallagher
"The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old." ~Joan Kerr, Please Don't Eat the Daisies, 1957
Happy Mother's Day!
As each mother's day approaches, I am always amazed at how little I feel I deserve any recognition as a mother. Yes, I do the same things as most mothers: driving, teaching, healing, fixing, playing, snuggling, praying, laughing, crying, cleaning, reading, reminding, encouraging, supporting and yes, at times, even hollaring! But what makes me a good mom, if I am one? I know my kids don't expect perfection. In fact I am reminded on occasion just how horrible I am compared to other moms who let their kids go see Iron Man II the night it comes out...not that that issue came up recently....uhem.
Anyway, I am feeling very grateful that my children can find reason behind wanting to celebrate this day with me! I wouldn't be a mother without them so I am very grateful for their making me a mom.
They teach me so much that I am so very grateful for! They are the greatest examples of being forgiving, humble, submissive, patient, loving and faithful. Everyday I am in awe of their ever growing talents and abilities. They are so giving and want to much to help others be happy. Including their mom.
They have put up with a lot in our family. A lot more than I ever wanted or expected that they would have to. But they are stong, both spiritually and emotionally and they are very courageous. I know they will be amazing men and husbands some day...in spite of my efforts. :)
I hope these quotes brighten your day, as they do mine.
"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new." ~Rajneesh
"I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life." ~Abraham Lincoln
"Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories." ~John Wilmot
"Children are a great comfort in your old age - and they help you reach it faster, too." ~Lionel Kauffman
"Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children." ~Sam Levenson
"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." ~Elizabeth Stone
"Sing out loud in the car even, or especially, if it embarrasses your children." ~Marilyn Penland
"The world is as many times new as there are children in our lives." ~Robert Brault
"Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next." ~Franklin P. Jones
"Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said." ~Author Unknown
"A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Children find everything in nothing; men find nothing in everything." ~Giacomo Leopardi
"Anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead ought to tell a child to go to bed." ~Robert Gallagher
"The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old." ~Joan Kerr, Please Don't Eat the Daisies, 1957
Happy Mother's Day!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
What is real strength?
I have spent many months trying to be what I thought was strong. I'm not quite sure I knew what it really meant to be strong . But, I think I am finally seeing what true strength is.
I have thought that strength was being willing and able to do something that was difficult, while doing my best to be positive and have faith. I think that maybe this is still partly my idea of strength, but I guess what's changed is that it is has taken a very real strength to let go, move forward, and allow Heavenly Father to take what's damaged and mold it and make it into whatever it needs to be.
My personality is such that I will avoid conflict and contention and I'm afraid of letting others know that they've hurt me. But as a codependent, I will try to manipulate and guilt. I know that probably doesn't make sense, but it is what I have been doing for a very long time.
Today, I was presented with a situation that has occured many, many times. Yet, I actually was able to step back, allow myself to hurt and be sad, and then follow through on a very difficult consequence (if you can call it that) that I have in the past been too weak to follow through on. This is where I always thought I was being strong, but I wasn't.
It took more strength for me today to make the decision that I did, than it ever took for me to try to codependetly work through it.
My boundaries were set. They were crossed. I actually followed through on what I said would have to happen. And although I sit here in tears, and I am hurting and sad, I have a peace in my heart. I know that this is what is necessary for healing to truly begin...if healing is chosen.
I know I will struggle with codependency as I continue to recover, but today I feel I'm made my first, truly un-dependent, loving and productive decision I have made since I discovered my codependency.
I am hopeful and prayerful that the results will be for the benefit of everyone involved.
Nothing in my heart has changed. And it never will.
I am ready to be healthy and give up trying to help or change things that I really have no control over, and just...love. I just hope that it gets easier as time goes on. But I guess only time will tell...
I have thought that strength was being willing and able to do something that was difficult, while doing my best to be positive and have faith. I think that maybe this is still partly my idea of strength, but I guess what's changed is that it is has taken a very real strength to let go, move forward, and allow Heavenly Father to take what's damaged and mold it and make it into whatever it needs to be.
My personality is such that I will avoid conflict and contention and I'm afraid of letting others know that they've hurt me. But as a codependent, I will try to manipulate and guilt. I know that probably doesn't make sense, but it is what I have been doing for a very long time.
Today, I was presented with a situation that has occured many, many times. Yet, I actually was able to step back, allow myself to hurt and be sad, and then follow through on a very difficult consequence (if you can call it that) that I have in the past been too weak to follow through on. This is where I always thought I was being strong, but I wasn't.
It took more strength for me today to make the decision that I did, than it ever took for me to try to codependetly work through it.
My boundaries were set. They were crossed. I actually followed through on what I said would have to happen. And although I sit here in tears, and I am hurting and sad, I have a peace in my heart. I know that this is what is necessary for healing to truly begin...if healing is chosen.
I know I will struggle with codependency as I continue to recover, but today I feel I'm made my first, truly un-dependent, loving and productive decision I have made since I discovered my codependency.
I am hopeful and prayerful that the results will be for the benefit of everyone involved.
Nothing in my heart has changed. And it never will.
I am ready to be healthy and give up trying to help or change things that I really have no control over, and just...love. I just hope that it gets easier as time goes on. But I guess only time will tell...
Sunday, April 25, 2010
"The Only Way Out, Is Through"
I just finished reading the chapter in Codependent No More entitled, "Learn the Art of Acceptance."
It's funny, but somehow in my mind, I have been thinking this entire time that I have accepted the problems I face and the situation in life I am in.
I guess I thought I had accepted these things because I'm still here. I'm still dealing with them. If I couldn't accept them, I wouldn't be, right? Wrong.
In this chapter, Melody discusses in depth the 5 stages of grief, or the "forgiveness process," which I think is also a good way of describing it.
The process or stages are as follows (we've all heard them before, but here's a reminder):
1. Denial
Melody says in the book, that she's "convinced we do most of our codependent behaviors in this stage obsessing, controlling, repressing feelings." I think she's right! This is when I thought things like, "it's not as bad as other addictions" or "well, ____ isn't doing heroin or meth, so it's not like they're really on drugs."
Claudia L. Jewett, author of Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss, states "In times of great stress, we shut down our awareness emotionally, sometimes intellectualy, and occasionally physically. A built-in mechanism operates to screen out devastating information and to prevent us from becoming overloaded. Psychologists tell us denial is a conscious or unconscious defense that all of us use to avoid, reduce, or prevent anxiety when we are threatened. We use it to shut out our awareness of things that would be too disturbing to know."
Melody also defines denial this way: "Denial is the shock absorber for the soul. It is an instinctive and natural reaction to pain, loss, and change. It protects us. It wards off the blows of life until we can gather our other coping resources."
2. Anger
This is the stage I seem to revert back to most often. Sometimes my anger is justified, and sometimes it's VERY irrational and I vent it on anyone. This doesn't make me a very proud mom, and it doesn't make for very happy, secure children. This is the stage I am trying to overcome on a daily basis still. Even though I feel I've moved to acceptance, I still find myself moving back and forth frequently.
3. Bargaining
Sometimes, once my anger has fizzled and I realize that I'm getting no results from using it, I have tried to bargain. With God. With my addict. With myself even. This is an aweful stage to be in for me, because it is an unhealthy way to take more responsibility for what's happening than what we should. This is also a very codependent-driven stage, in my opinion.
I have often thought while in this stage, that if I had not said a certain thing, or had I just cleaned the house better, or had I just loved them more...this wouldn't be happening right now.
4. Depression
Melody refers to this stage as " the essence of grief: mourning at it's fullest." She says that this is the time to cry and let it hurt. And it does! This is also when we typically begin to humbly surrender to what's happening and our inability to control, fix, deny, bargain and change. This stage begins the real healing and letting ourselves feel what we need to feel to allow our "Higher Power" to take over and guide us through our depressive moments, days or years.
5. Acceptance
This is the final stage. The one I am reaching for right now.
I am very much NOT in denial anymore. I would have to be a complete, raving lunatic to try to deny what is right in front of me.
I am angry, but less often, and more often than not, I am angry with myself.
I know that bargaining won't work, and I also know now that no matter what I do or don't do, the addiction will only get better or worse according to the choices of the addict. Not me. Not my lack of cleaning or saying or doing.
I am depressed. But, I don't feel depressed to the point where I can't get up out of bed in the morning and I want to do away with myself.
The depression I feel is a sad, deep longing for what I always wanted, but that I am not sure I will ever have or see again. It's a very lonely feeling. I know I'm not alone...but I still feel that way most the time. I feel weak and I feel exhausted. I want to be able to relax and just feel secure for one day. Just one day.
I look at my kids and I think about how they will look back on their childhood. What will they remember most about me? Will they only remember that they saw me crying a lot? That I was sad? That our plans changed so much that they couldn't count on anything? Those are my fears for them and it makes me very sad for them! I hope they remember the good things that are in our lives right now. I pray that they will.
Acceptance is a bit of an awkward stage for me. I have always thought that if I accepted something, that it meant that I agreed with it. But, Melody quotes Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, who stated this: "Acceptance should not be mistaken for a happy stage. It is almost void of feelings. It is as if the pain has gone, the stuggle is over.." Melody continues: "We are at peace with what is. We are free to stay; free to go; free to make whatever decisions we need to make. We are free!...We have adjusted and reorganized...we stop running, ducking, controlling, and hiding...we know it is only from this point that we can go forward."
The review question/activity for this chapter was to look back over your life, and to think of all the significant losses you've experienced. To think about the grief process you had through those experiences.
Obviously, death is what comes to my mind first. I miss so many people terribly! My daddy, two brothers, a dear sister-in-law, a beautiful nephew, both sets of grandparents, many aunts, uncles, cousins and more.
I don't know that I ever felt anger through grieving over any of these losses, simply because I knew it would do no good. I knew that my Heavenly Father was in charge and that they were ok. They were happy and not having to deal with the chaos of this world and the pain their mortal bodies inflicted.
The grief process is so very different when you're losing your hopes and dreams. When the end is unknown and everything that you wanted or thought you'd have for your life's future is unknown. This grieving process is like losing the most meaningful and significant part of your life, over and over again, every day.
We all have our grief. Our losses. We all move through the stages of grief and the forgiveness process differently and in different time frames. But the most important this to remember is this: "The only way out, is through!"
We can all get through the stages of our losses! We can make it to the acceptance stage and be able to stand up, on our own, with our newly found un-dependence and be free! Free to choose and do as God would have us do and feel confident in knowing we are ok. We are not alone. We are loved. And life is good.
It's funny, but somehow in my mind, I have been thinking this entire time that I have accepted the problems I face and the situation in life I am in.
I guess I thought I had accepted these things because I'm still here. I'm still dealing with them. If I couldn't accept them, I wouldn't be, right? Wrong.
In this chapter, Melody discusses in depth the 5 stages of grief, or the "forgiveness process," which I think is also a good way of describing it.
The process or stages are as follows (we've all heard them before, but here's a reminder):
1. Denial
Melody says in the book, that she's "convinced we do most of our codependent behaviors in this stage obsessing, controlling, repressing feelings." I think she's right! This is when I thought things like, "it's not as bad as other addictions" or "well, ____ isn't doing heroin or meth, so it's not like they're really on drugs."
Claudia L. Jewett, author of Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss, states "In times of great stress, we shut down our awareness emotionally, sometimes intellectualy, and occasionally physically. A built-in mechanism operates to screen out devastating information and to prevent us from becoming overloaded. Psychologists tell us denial is a conscious or unconscious defense that all of us use to avoid, reduce, or prevent anxiety when we are threatened. We use it to shut out our awareness of things that would be too disturbing to know."
Melody also defines denial this way: "Denial is the shock absorber for the soul. It is an instinctive and natural reaction to pain, loss, and change. It protects us. It wards off the blows of life until we can gather our other coping resources."
2. Anger
This is the stage I seem to revert back to most often. Sometimes my anger is justified, and sometimes it's VERY irrational and I vent it on anyone. This doesn't make me a very proud mom, and it doesn't make for very happy, secure children. This is the stage I am trying to overcome on a daily basis still. Even though I feel I've moved to acceptance, I still find myself moving back and forth frequently.
3. Bargaining
Sometimes, once my anger has fizzled and I realize that I'm getting no results from using it, I have tried to bargain. With God. With my addict. With myself even. This is an aweful stage to be in for me, because it is an unhealthy way to take more responsibility for what's happening than what we should. This is also a very codependent-driven stage, in my opinion.
I have often thought while in this stage, that if I had not said a certain thing, or had I just cleaned the house better, or had I just loved them more...this wouldn't be happening right now.
4. Depression
Melody refers to this stage as " the essence of grief: mourning at it's fullest." She says that this is the time to cry and let it hurt. And it does! This is also when we typically begin to humbly surrender to what's happening and our inability to control, fix, deny, bargain and change. This stage begins the real healing and letting ourselves feel what we need to feel to allow our "Higher Power" to take over and guide us through our depressive moments, days or years.
5. Acceptance
This is the final stage. The one I am reaching for right now.
I am very much NOT in denial anymore. I would have to be a complete, raving lunatic to try to deny what is right in front of me.
I am angry, but less often, and more often than not, I am angry with myself.
I know that bargaining won't work, and I also know now that no matter what I do or don't do, the addiction will only get better or worse according to the choices of the addict. Not me. Not my lack of cleaning or saying or doing.
I am depressed. But, I don't feel depressed to the point where I can't get up out of bed in the morning and I want to do away with myself.
The depression I feel is a sad, deep longing for what I always wanted, but that I am not sure I will ever have or see again. It's a very lonely feeling. I know I'm not alone...but I still feel that way most the time. I feel weak and I feel exhausted. I want to be able to relax and just feel secure for one day. Just one day.
I look at my kids and I think about how they will look back on their childhood. What will they remember most about me? Will they only remember that they saw me crying a lot? That I was sad? That our plans changed so much that they couldn't count on anything? Those are my fears for them and it makes me very sad for them! I hope they remember the good things that are in our lives right now. I pray that they will.
Acceptance is a bit of an awkward stage for me. I have always thought that if I accepted something, that it meant that I agreed with it. But, Melody quotes Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, who stated this: "Acceptance should not be mistaken for a happy stage. It is almost void of feelings. It is as if the pain has gone, the stuggle is over.." Melody continues: "We are at peace with what is. We are free to stay; free to go; free to make whatever decisions we need to make. We are free!...We have adjusted and reorganized...we stop running, ducking, controlling, and hiding...we know it is only from this point that we can go forward."
The review question/activity for this chapter was to look back over your life, and to think of all the significant losses you've experienced. To think about the grief process you had through those experiences.
Obviously, death is what comes to my mind first. I miss so many people terribly! My daddy, two brothers, a dear sister-in-law, a beautiful nephew, both sets of grandparents, many aunts, uncles, cousins and more.
I don't know that I ever felt anger through grieving over any of these losses, simply because I knew it would do no good. I knew that my Heavenly Father was in charge and that they were ok. They were happy and not having to deal with the chaos of this world and the pain their mortal bodies inflicted.
The grief process is so very different when you're losing your hopes and dreams. When the end is unknown and everything that you wanted or thought you'd have for your life's future is unknown. This grieving process is like losing the most meaningful and significant part of your life, over and over again, every day.
We all have our grief. Our losses. We all move through the stages of grief and the forgiveness process differently and in different time frames. But the most important this to remember is this: "The only way out, is through!"
We can all get through the stages of our losses! We can make it to the acceptance stage and be able to stand up, on our own, with our newly found un-dependence and be free! Free to choose and do as God would have us do and feel confident in knowing we are ok. We are not alone. We are loved. And life is good.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Feelings...
My emotions are running the gammot right now, so I probably shouldn't be writing about codependence. Especially since I am failing at the task of overcoming it at the moment!
Habits are grosely underestimated. Maybe some habits like, biting your nails (which I have overcome) or even drinking certain unhealthy beverages can be overcome with the "22 day rule." But there are some habits that have been years in the making! Habits that seem to creep up on you and out of nowhere say "BOO! Remember me?" and then there's lots of catching up that goes on between you and your old habits.
I have spent so many nights on my knees. Cried so many heavy tears over the hurt and anguish I have felt in direct result of the addict in my life and their free agency....or their "habits."
How is addiction different from a habit, if there's a difference at all? Dont' we all have bad habits or things that we need to overcome? I do.
Do my bad habits hurt others or threaten harm? Do I become a different person when I am participating in them? Do my habits threaten the solidity of my family?
If the habit I'm referring to, for myself, is codependence...then I would have to honestly answer "yes" to the previous questions.
While a chemical addiction may be the "bad habit" of my loved one, mine is most assuradly being chronically codependent.
So, why is it so easy for me to see the faults in this person's habits/addiction, but mine seem justified and acceptable?
The answer, I believe, is that I attach my codependency to "feelings," which is easy since codependency is based almost totally on feelings.
Fear, anxiety, depression, lonliness, misery, anguish, despair.
So what if, let's say, that the addict in my life is once again stoned. And instead of allowing all the normal, habitual "feelings" to enter my heart, I thought of someone else who has experienced more pain, anxiety, depression, fear, lonliness, misery, anguish, and despair, beyond what I can even begin to comprehend? What would the Savior, who "suffered below them all" want me to feel for this person standing in front of me, for who's sins He has already atoned? Certainly it wouldn't be anger. Or fear. Or even despair.
It would be love. Compassion. Kindness. And above all, charity.
I may feel sorry for myself, and others may even feel sorry for the pain and suffering that seems to accompany addictions and bad habits. But the truth is, I deserve no pity. I deserve no sympathy. I choose to be where I am in my life.
I have no room to "cast stones" at anyone else in this life either. The habits and tendencies that I'm struggling with are difficult to overcome, and they seem simple compared to those who are stuggling with any kind of addiction.
So, I will not judge others who are working so hard everyday to overcome such enormous amounts of evil that exist in this world. So, that would mean all of us. Everyone here on this earth.
I am sure this test of our existence is much more difficult than I was aware it would be. But, I am also sure that, though I knew that this life would be hard, and scary, and even exruciating at times, that my Savior would redeem us, and that He would make it possible for me to return home to our Heavenly Father. And if He could be willing to endure all that He did, for me, then I could endure whatever I had to, to make sure that His suffering was not in vain.
I love the addict in my life. More than I could begin to express in any form. But, I know that my Heavenly Father loves them more than even I can comprehend. So, this is where I have to, once again, let go...and let God.
I will work on and overcome my bad codependent habits, and I will be patient and loving with those around me who are struggling to overcome their habits/addictions.
I will allow God to work in their lives the way He needs to, as they allow it. And more importantly, I will allow Him to work in my life, the way He needs to, for me to learn and grow and progress into the things that He has in store for me.
Love. Compassion. Kindess. And above all, charity.
Habits are grosely underestimated. Maybe some habits like, biting your nails (which I have overcome) or even drinking certain unhealthy beverages can be overcome with the "22 day rule." But there are some habits that have been years in the making! Habits that seem to creep up on you and out of nowhere say "BOO! Remember me?" and then there's lots of catching up that goes on between you and your old habits.
I have spent so many nights on my knees. Cried so many heavy tears over the hurt and anguish I have felt in direct result of the addict in my life and their free agency....or their "habits."
How is addiction different from a habit, if there's a difference at all? Dont' we all have bad habits or things that we need to overcome? I do.
Do my bad habits hurt others or threaten harm? Do I become a different person when I am participating in them? Do my habits threaten the solidity of my family?
If the habit I'm referring to, for myself, is codependence...then I would have to honestly answer "yes" to the previous questions.
While a chemical addiction may be the "bad habit" of my loved one, mine is most assuradly being chronically codependent.
So, why is it so easy for me to see the faults in this person's habits/addiction, but mine seem justified and acceptable?
The answer, I believe, is that I attach my codependency to "feelings," which is easy since codependency is based almost totally on feelings.
Fear, anxiety, depression, lonliness, misery, anguish, despair.
So what if, let's say, that the addict in my life is once again stoned. And instead of allowing all the normal, habitual "feelings" to enter my heart, I thought of someone else who has experienced more pain, anxiety, depression, fear, lonliness, misery, anguish, and despair, beyond what I can even begin to comprehend? What would the Savior, who "suffered below them all" want me to feel for this person standing in front of me, for who's sins He has already atoned? Certainly it wouldn't be anger. Or fear. Or even despair.
It would be love. Compassion. Kindness. And above all, charity.
I may feel sorry for myself, and others may even feel sorry for the pain and suffering that seems to accompany addictions and bad habits. But the truth is, I deserve no pity. I deserve no sympathy. I choose to be where I am in my life.
I have no room to "cast stones" at anyone else in this life either. The habits and tendencies that I'm struggling with are difficult to overcome, and they seem simple compared to those who are stuggling with any kind of addiction.
So, I will not judge others who are working so hard everyday to overcome such enormous amounts of evil that exist in this world. So, that would mean all of us. Everyone here on this earth.
I am sure this test of our existence is much more difficult than I was aware it would be. But, I am also sure that, though I knew that this life would be hard, and scary, and even exruciating at times, that my Savior would redeem us, and that He would make it possible for me to return home to our Heavenly Father. And if He could be willing to endure all that He did, for me, then I could endure whatever I had to, to make sure that His suffering was not in vain.
I love the addict in my life. More than I could begin to express in any form. But, I know that my Heavenly Father loves them more than even I can comprehend. So, this is where I have to, once again, let go...and let God.
I will work on and overcome my bad codependent habits, and I will be patient and loving with those around me who are struggling to overcome their habits/addictions.
I will allow God to work in their lives the way He needs to, as they allow it. And more importantly, I will allow Him to work in my life, the way He needs to, for me to learn and grow and progress into the things that He has in store for me.
Love. Compassion. Kindess. And above all, charity.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Unconditional love...for me?
First of all, I posted a link to a quiz that helps you determine if you may be codependent. My disclaimer is this: The quiz is titled "Are you a victim of codpendency?" I don't actually agree with the way that it's worded, or the even the whole content of the quiz, but some of the questions may open your eyes to some codependent behaviors.
The reason I don't agree with the wording, is because I don't believe we are "victims" of codependency. It's a habit and we have the choice to change our codependent tendencies. When I hear the word victim, I think of someone who has fallen subject to a situation that was not in their control. Codependency is learned and acquired and lived out of desperation and/or habit. So...there's my opinion on that!
What I actually wanted to write about today, and express, is what's been on my mind this whole week. Love. Unconditional love.
When I think of unconditional love, my thoughts turn to my family, both immediate and extended. I also think of my close friends. But over the course of this last week, my mind has wandered to thoughts of unconditional love not only for my family and friends, but for myself.
What does unconditional love for myself mean? What does it require? Why is it so difficult for me to feel and comprehend sometimes?
So much of what I believe concerning this topic, is directly related to my spirituality! Everything in my life is directly related to my spirituality. So, it would be very difficult to express my thoughts and feelings on unconditional love if I left those important things out. I hope that those of you who may not totally agree with my spiritual views will be open and understanding to the principles shared, and that they are from my own perspective and life experiences.
To begin to answer the questions above, I started thinking about what my own thought processes are during the day. I realized, after paying closer attention to what I was thinking in repsonse to daily stress and situations, that I am extrememly hard on myself in regard to expectations I have of myself.
If I make even a simple mistake, I often wonder about my progress in life. I will berate myself and feel disappointed that I didn't do better, or I wish I had done it differently.
I will often hear a comment about how wonderful "so-and-so" is and how beautiful someone else is, or what a good, patient, loving mother and wife someone else is, and even though I know that I am not the same woman as any of these other women, and even though I have my own strengths and gifts, I tend to think that I should be doing what they are doing, or thinking the same way they think, or working out and eating the same diet as they do, so I can look as good as they do.
I was discussing this idea with my husband, and he had some great insights that he said I could share.
He said that he feels that the reason that we have a difficult time loving ourselves and forgiving ourselves, is because we know our every flaw, our intent, our feelings, our short-comings and our weaknesses, that most likely are not seen by those around us, with exception of our spouses and children. Even then, they do not know our thoughts or intimate feelings most the time.
When we do wrong, we feel it the hardest. When we hurt, we feel it deeply. We are more conscious and aware of ourselves and misgivings that anyone else. So, it's easier to see the good and best of others, rather than in ourselves.
I think he nailed it on the head! That's exactly what I do, at least!
While I understand that some of these thoughts may serve as motivation to do better in some areas, I am also keenly aware, that for me, most of the time, my thoughts go from "I could improve in that area" to getting very down on myself for not doing certain things, not having the time or energy to do the things I want to or should be doing, or I have even begun to think that every struggle I'm experiencing my life is because I was not enough in one way or another.
This is not healthy motivation. It is, of course, a form of codependency.
In the book, Codependent No More, there is a chapter entitled, "Have a Love Affair With Yourself." When I first read the title, I honestly almost totally skipped over it. It sounded selfish and didn't make sense to me how this could be a step to recovering from codependence. However, after I began reading the section, I realized that it was a key step to recovery.
She mentions how we codependents tend to take responsibility for way more than is ours to take, and that as we do so, we tend to feel the weight of the responsibility that really isn't all ours. We start to blame ourselves for way too much. We even think that if we were someone else that the people we love wouldn't be hurting us the way they are.
As I read this, and totally connected with it, I realized that I have felt it was my duty not only to take responsiblity for my loved ones, but also, that I needed to save them, somehow. If I could save them and fix the problem, then I would be free from the weight of responsibility I had taken on. I would be able to be me, and do what I felt I needed to do.
It is amazing to me to look at myself now, from where I was even two months ago.
I was a miserable person. I thought I was doing just what I needed to do to gain control and move my life in the direction I wanted and needed it to go in.
Now, I realize that I am in control of NOTHING, aside from my own actions and how I choose to respond to difficulty, and choose to disagree with others.
I know I have mentioned this before in my posts, and I will mention it again, because I need to remind myself, but when we truly love ourselves, and know who we are, we will act differently and make different and better decisions in our lives.
Who are we then? Here's where the spirituality comes in...
Everyone has different beliefs, but mine are solid and I know that I am a literal spirit daughter of my Heavenly Father. I know Him, and I know He loves me. He sent His only Begotten Son, Jesus Christ, to atone for my sins, so that I could return to live with Him again, and with my family, eternally in His presence.
When I am able to have this perspective in place, and I move forward in the day with this knowledge, I invariable have a remarkable day! I have made small, different choices than I would have normally made, and those choices have led me to feel the love of my Heavenly Father on a deeper level.
The bottome line for me, is that when I remember who I am, that I have the love of my Heavenly Father, then I feel more at peace with what I am able to do, and love myself in spite of my short-comings and struggles.
It has become so much easier for me to let go of my codependent behaviors as I have started to really allow myself to love myself. I am slowing starting to see the goodness in me. The attributes that make me a great mom and the talents I am blessed with.
I am not perfect, and I'm sure that I won't be in this life. But I can be patient with myself. I can forgive myself and others. I can be gentle with myself and realize that I don't need to be someone else or take responsibility for someone else's short-comings. And most of all, I canvlove myself, unconditionally, when I remember who I truly am. That fact will never change. And it is the same for all of you! I know it!
God bless you all, and remember to love yourselves this week, for who YOU truly are!
The reason I don't agree with the wording, is because I don't believe we are "victims" of codependency. It's a habit and we have the choice to change our codependent tendencies. When I hear the word victim, I think of someone who has fallen subject to a situation that was not in their control. Codependency is learned and acquired and lived out of desperation and/or habit. So...there's my opinion on that!
What I actually wanted to write about today, and express, is what's been on my mind this whole week. Love. Unconditional love.
When I think of unconditional love, my thoughts turn to my family, both immediate and extended. I also think of my close friends. But over the course of this last week, my mind has wandered to thoughts of unconditional love not only for my family and friends, but for myself.
What does unconditional love for myself mean? What does it require? Why is it so difficult for me to feel and comprehend sometimes?
So much of what I believe concerning this topic, is directly related to my spirituality! Everything in my life is directly related to my spirituality. So, it would be very difficult to express my thoughts and feelings on unconditional love if I left those important things out. I hope that those of you who may not totally agree with my spiritual views will be open and understanding to the principles shared, and that they are from my own perspective and life experiences.
To begin to answer the questions above, I started thinking about what my own thought processes are during the day. I realized, after paying closer attention to what I was thinking in repsonse to daily stress and situations, that I am extrememly hard on myself in regard to expectations I have of myself.
If I make even a simple mistake, I often wonder about my progress in life. I will berate myself and feel disappointed that I didn't do better, or I wish I had done it differently.
I will often hear a comment about how wonderful "so-and-so" is and how beautiful someone else is, or what a good, patient, loving mother and wife someone else is, and even though I know that I am not the same woman as any of these other women, and even though I have my own strengths and gifts, I tend to think that I should be doing what they are doing, or thinking the same way they think, or working out and eating the same diet as they do, so I can look as good as they do.
I was discussing this idea with my husband, and he had some great insights that he said I could share.
He said that he feels that the reason that we have a difficult time loving ourselves and forgiving ourselves, is because we know our every flaw, our intent, our feelings, our short-comings and our weaknesses, that most likely are not seen by those around us, with exception of our spouses and children. Even then, they do not know our thoughts or intimate feelings most the time.
When we do wrong, we feel it the hardest. When we hurt, we feel it deeply. We are more conscious and aware of ourselves and misgivings that anyone else. So, it's easier to see the good and best of others, rather than in ourselves.
I think he nailed it on the head! That's exactly what I do, at least!
While I understand that some of these thoughts may serve as motivation to do better in some areas, I am also keenly aware, that for me, most of the time, my thoughts go from "I could improve in that area" to getting very down on myself for not doing certain things, not having the time or energy to do the things I want to or should be doing, or I have even begun to think that every struggle I'm experiencing my life is because I was not enough in one way or another.
This is not healthy motivation. It is, of course, a form of codependency.
In the book, Codependent No More, there is a chapter entitled, "Have a Love Affair With Yourself." When I first read the title, I honestly almost totally skipped over it. It sounded selfish and didn't make sense to me how this could be a step to recovering from codependence. However, after I began reading the section, I realized that it was a key step to recovery.
She mentions how we codependents tend to take responsibility for way more than is ours to take, and that as we do so, we tend to feel the weight of the responsibility that really isn't all ours. We start to blame ourselves for way too much. We even think that if we were someone else that the people we love wouldn't be hurting us the way they are.
As I read this, and totally connected with it, I realized that I have felt it was my duty not only to take responsiblity for my loved ones, but also, that I needed to save them, somehow. If I could save them and fix the problem, then I would be free from the weight of responsibility I had taken on. I would be able to be me, and do what I felt I needed to do.
It is amazing to me to look at myself now, from where I was even two months ago.
I was a miserable person. I thought I was doing just what I needed to do to gain control and move my life in the direction I wanted and needed it to go in.
Now, I realize that I am in control of NOTHING, aside from my own actions and how I choose to respond to difficulty, and choose to disagree with others.
I know I have mentioned this before in my posts, and I will mention it again, because I need to remind myself, but when we truly love ourselves, and know who we are, we will act differently and make different and better decisions in our lives.
Who are we then? Here's where the spirituality comes in...
Everyone has different beliefs, but mine are solid and I know that I am a literal spirit daughter of my Heavenly Father. I know Him, and I know He loves me. He sent His only Begotten Son, Jesus Christ, to atone for my sins, so that I could return to live with Him again, and with my family, eternally in His presence.
When I am able to have this perspective in place, and I move forward in the day with this knowledge, I invariable have a remarkable day! I have made small, different choices than I would have normally made, and those choices have led me to feel the love of my Heavenly Father on a deeper level.
The bottome line for me, is that when I remember who I am, that I have the love of my Heavenly Father, then I feel more at peace with what I am able to do, and love myself in spite of my short-comings and struggles.
It has become so much easier for me to let go of my codependent behaviors as I have started to really allow myself to love myself. I am slowing starting to see the goodness in me. The attributes that make me a great mom and the talents I am blessed with.
I am not perfect, and I'm sure that I won't be in this life. But I can be patient with myself. I can forgive myself and others. I can be gentle with myself and realize that I don't need to be someone else or take responsibility for someone else's short-comings. And most of all, I canvlove myself, unconditionally, when I remember who I truly am. That fact will never change. And it is the same for all of you! I know it!
God bless you all, and remember to love yourselves this week, for who YOU truly are!
Monday, April 5, 2010
Forgiveness
I can't explain what happened today, except to say that I became the worst version of myself and terribly selfish!
All I could see was my pain, my fears, my frustrations and my feelings. Even if I felt wronged, I had no right to become so totally hurtful and, yes, codependent.
I wanted control. I wanted the hurt to stop. I wanted to drain blood from a turnip.
I am hoping that I can be forgiven!
Forgiveness is something that is required of us all, and yet, so difficult to actually feel and do. I wonder at the process of actual forgiveness. Not just saying the words, "I'm sorry," or "I forgive you," but actually feeling the pangs and sting of betryal removed and released from my heart and mind. Have I truly forgiven if I cannot move forward? Have I truly forgiven if I bring up the hurt and betrayal when I'm angry? Have I truly forgiven, if I have not let go of the offense?
I do not believe that forgiveness requires us to continue to live with abuse or pain. I believe that we must forgive, not so much for the transgressors sake, but for ours.
These feelings of doubt and depression, anxiety and fear, are all tools that Satan uses to keep me from being able to forgive and move on in a healthy way. He wants me to sit and stew and be miserable. He wants me to remember every horrible detail about every horrible event, so that I will feel despair and resentment.
If I truly forgive someone that has hurt me, or betrayed me, or abused me, then the Adversary should have no room to help create doubt or fear. I would be able to say, "that hurt...a lot. But I have forgiven and I have moved on, and it will not affect my life that way anymore."
On the flip side, when I have asked forgiveness, after hurting someone or committing a wrong against them, it is my responsibility to never intentionally hurt or wrong that person in the same way again.
Why is this hard to do as well? When I know something hurts or it's wrong, why do I justify in my head somehow that it is deserved or warranted? It's crazy! And it's not right! I guess it all goes back to what I said before: That unless there is true remorse, and not just words, then the apology is heartless and insincere.
I heard somewhere (can't recall now where it was), that instead of hearing or saying "I'm sorry!" It makes the biggest difference to say, "I was wrong! I shouldn't have (action). Next time I feel (emotion), I will not (previous action)."
I hope that all made sense. You'd think too that if I had heard that, and agreed with it, that I would have actually applied it today to my circumstance and prevented further heartache and stupidity.
I honestly don't know if I truly deserve forgiveness today from the person I hurt. Sadly, it's not the first time I have hurt this person. But, I do know this: I was wrong! No matter what this person has said or done to me, or chosen to do that affects me negatively, I was wrong to act as I did.
Forgiveness is a gift. Only the one we have wronged can give it. It's not a gift to be taken for granted, but held tenderly and lovingly, keeping safe the heart that bore the gift not-so-easy-to bear.
All I could see was my pain, my fears, my frustrations and my feelings. Even if I felt wronged, I had no right to become so totally hurtful and, yes, codependent.
I wanted control. I wanted the hurt to stop. I wanted to drain blood from a turnip.
I am hoping that I can be forgiven!
Forgiveness is something that is required of us all, and yet, so difficult to actually feel and do. I wonder at the process of actual forgiveness. Not just saying the words, "I'm sorry," or "I forgive you," but actually feeling the pangs and sting of betryal removed and released from my heart and mind. Have I truly forgiven if I cannot move forward? Have I truly forgiven if I bring up the hurt and betrayal when I'm angry? Have I truly forgiven, if I have not let go of the offense?
I do not believe that forgiveness requires us to continue to live with abuse or pain. I believe that we must forgive, not so much for the transgressors sake, but for ours.
These feelings of doubt and depression, anxiety and fear, are all tools that Satan uses to keep me from being able to forgive and move on in a healthy way. He wants me to sit and stew and be miserable. He wants me to remember every horrible detail about every horrible event, so that I will feel despair and resentment.
If I truly forgive someone that has hurt me, or betrayed me, or abused me, then the Adversary should have no room to help create doubt or fear. I would be able to say, "that hurt...a lot. But I have forgiven and I have moved on, and it will not affect my life that way anymore."
On the flip side, when I have asked forgiveness, after hurting someone or committing a wrong against them, it is my responsibility to never intentionally hurt or wrong that person in the same way again.
Why is this hard to do as well? When I know something hurts or it's wrong, why do I justify in my head somehow that it is deserved or warranted? It's crazy! And it's not right! I guess it all goes back to what I said before: That unless there is true remorse, and not just words, then the apology is heartless and insincere.
I heard somewhere (can't recall now where it was), that instead of hearing or saying "I'm sorry!" It makes the biggest difference to say, "I was wrong! I shouldn't have (action). Next time I feel (emotion), I will not (previous action)."
I hope that all made sense. You'd think too that if I had heard that, and agreed with it, that I would have actually applied it today to my circumstance and prevented further heartache and stupidity.
I honestly don't know if I truly deserve forgiveness today from the person I hurt. Sadly, it's not the first time I have hurt this person. But, I do know this: I was wrong! No matter what this person has said or done to me, or chosen to do that affects me negatively, I was wrong to act as I did.
Forgiveness is a gift. Only the one we have wronged can give it. It's not a gift to be taken for granted, but held tenderly and lovingly, keeping safe the heart that bore the gift not-so-easy-to bear.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
On Days Like Today...
Today has been...one of those days. Again.
In trying to live by the adage of "one day at a time," I find myself looking back over the last year and really trying to see what each one of those days has added up to.
Are things getting any better? Am I getting any better? Is there still progress?
On days like today, I want to be someone else. Anyone else. Just not me. Not where I am. I know that this is a selfish point of view, because I am well aware that there are those that are worse off than I am in this world. I know that we each have our own share of heartache and disappointment.
So, maybe I'm having a bit of a pity party, but mostly I am trying (still) to understand how to keep going.
I still maintain that the past is to be learned from and not lived in. So, I hope I'm clear when I say that when I look back, I am trying to learn and distiguish what happened then, from what is happening now. I have nothing else to go on, except what has been.
On days like today, I wish I had a crytal ball. I wish I could look into that ball and see that all this heartache and long-suffering and anguish will be worth something someday. I'd like to know that my life won't continue down this path to see more disappointment and pain.
Unfortunately, I don't have a crystal ball. Some days, I don't even have hope. Somedays, I find myself gripped with loss and despair. This is not what I wanted for my life. I totally had other plans for my family.
On days like today, I find it entirely more difficult to step back, take a deep breath, love myself, and say, "tomorrow's a new day. I will let go and let God. I will have faith in His plan for my family."
Then, the really hard part for me: "I will love and accept my addict no matter what happens, or what they choose."
Like I've said before, this is the most difficult for me as a codependent because the addict in my life may not choose what I am most comfortable with. I may be forced to follow through on boundaries I've set for myself and my boys. And, truth be told, I'm a total fradey-cat when it comes to this part of the deal.
On days like this, I hope I can forget myself and be strong for those who have had no choice in this matter from the beginning: My beautiful boys.
I can take it one more day. One day at a time...on days like today.
In trying to live by the adage of "one day at a time," I find myself looking back over the last year and really trying to see what each one of those days has added up to.
Are things getting any better? Am I getting any better? Is there still progress?
On days like today, I want to be someone else. Anyone else. Just not me. Not where I am. I know that this is a selfish point of view, because I am well aware that there are those that are worse off than I am in this world. I know that we each have our own share of heartache and disappointment.
So, maybe I'm having a bit of a pity party, but mostly I am trying (still) to understand how to keep going.
I still maintain that the past is to be learned from and not lived in. So, I hope I'm clear when I say that when I look back, I am trying to learn and distiguish what happened then, from what is happening now. I have nothing else to go on, except what has been.
On days like today, I wish I had a crytal ball. I wish I could look into that ball and see that all this heartache and long-suffering and anguish will be worth something someday. I'd like to know that my life won't continue down this path to see more disappointment and pain.
Unfortunately, I don't have a crystal ball. Some days, I don't even have hope. Somedays, I find myself gripped with loss and despair. This is not what I wanted for my life. I totally had other plans for my family.
On days like today, I find it entirely more difficult to step back, take a deep breath, love myself, and say, "tomorrow's a new day. I will let go and let God. I will have faith in His plan for my family."
Then, the really hard part for me: "I will love and accept my addict no matter what happens, or what they choose."
Like I've said before, this is the most difficult for me as a codependent because the addict in my life may not choose what I am most comfortable with. I may be forced to follow through on boundaries I've set for myself and my boys. And, truth be told, I'm a total fradey-cat when it comes to this part of the deal.
On days like this, I hope I can forget myself and be strong for those who have had no choice in this matter from the beginning: My beautiful boys.
I can take it one more day. One day at a time...on days like today.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Honesty
I recently heard someone say,"you know an addict is lying because his lips are moving."
To be honest, I didn't really know what to think about that. Surely not all addicts lie about everything. Do they?
This has been hard for me to swallow because there has been dishonesty attached to the addict in my life. The human, emotional part of me wants the security of the truth! Tell me the truth!
I have always valued honesty. Honesty is crucial to building any kind of trust and respect in any aspect of our lives. Yet, it's so easy to lie and be lied to. And, even though it hurts us, somehow we think that it will soften our reality, or it's a vain attempt at maintaning our comfort zone. But I firmly believe that lies will never soften a harsh reality or bring any kind of superficial comfort. No matter what the lie is. If I don't think someone looks nice, I don't tell them they look bad, I just don't say anything...or I compliment something I do think is nice about their appearance. If they ask my opinion, I will give an honest opinion, and make sure they know it is my opinion and not anything more. Maybe others think that this is rude. Maybe it is rude. I'm sure I've offended people in my life. But I think they would be more offended and hurt if they thought I was lying to them.
So why do addicts lie? Why does anyone lie? Are people so afraid of the truth? Do they even know what the truth is?
Being someone who highly values honesty, this is excruciating for me to try to understand. I just, don't, get it!
I've also tried to understand why it's so painful when I'm lied to...
Obviously, it hurts to be lied to, but for me, it's more than just the betrayal aspect. For me, I feel like I've been slapped in the face with the fact that the person who's lied to me, doesn't feel I am worth or deserving of the truth. They decided on their own, that I wouldn't be able to "handle the truth!" But, I also think it is more self-serving than that as well. I believe that most people lie because they are afraid of something. Losing something or somone, or to get a certain reaction. Lying is purely and totally selfish. Even though I see it as something done to me. It is done for the liar. For their benefit only.
As a codependent of an addict, this is a struggle I am dealing with on a daily basis. I have to be able to let go of the lies, the betrayal. I have to let go, and let God. I am not here to judge or change anyone. But I can change myself and how I act in these difficult situations.
So, while I'm sure that addicts lie. And maybe steal and cheat. I am positive of two things:
1-I can't do anything about it & 2-God loves addicts the same as everyone else. Even those who do almost everything right.
More importantly, I love an addict. I will always love an addict. That too will never change. What needs to change is me. I can love and let go and create healthy boundaries with honesty and be at peace with myself and my life.
I don't know if the truth really sets us free. I don't know that we know the real truth very often. I do know that honesty will set us free, if we're honest with ourselves and those around us.
Here's a challenge for us all:
Live this next week in total honesty. If it doesn't need to be said, don't say it. If you're asked for the truth, give it. And most importantly, be honest with yourself. Let me know how it goes, and what you think.
Honestly.
To be honest, I didn't really know what to think about that. Surely not all addicts lie about everything. Do they?
This has been hard for me to swallow because there has been dishonesty attached to the addict in my life. The human, emotional part of me wants the security of the truth! Tell me the truth!
I have always valued honesty. Honesty is crucial to building any kind of trust and respect in any aspect of our lives. Yet, it's so easy to lie and be lied to. And, even though it hurts us, somehow we think that it will soften our reality, or it's a vain attempt at maintaning our comfort zone. But I firmly believe that lies will never soften a harsh reality or bring any kind of superficial comfort. No matter what the lie is. If I don't think someone looks nice, I don't tell them they look bad, I just don't say anything...or I compliment something I do think is nice about their appearance. If they ask my opinion, I will give an honest opinion, and make sure they know it is my opinion and not anything more. Maybe others think that this is rude. Maybe it is rude. I'm sure I've offended people in my life. But I think they would be more offended and hurt if they thought I was lying to them.
So why do addicts lie? Why does anyone lie? Are people so afraid of the truth? Do they even know what the truth is?
Being someone who highly values honesty, this is excruciating for me to try to understand. I just, don't, get it!
I've also tried to understand why it's so painful when I'm lied to...
Obviously, it hurts to be lied to, but for me, it's more than just the betrayal aspect. For me, I feel like I've been slapped in the face with the fact that the person who's lied to me, doesn't feel I am worth or deserving of the truth. They decided on their own, that I wouldn't be able to "handle the truth!" But, I also think it is more self-serving than that as well. I believe that most people lie because they are afraid of something. Losing something or somone, or to get a certain reaction. Lying is purely and totally selfish. Even though I see it as something done to me. It is done for the liar. For their benefit only.
As a codependent of an addict, this is a struggle I am dealing with on a daily basis. I have to be able to let go of the lies, the betrayal. I have to let go, and let God. I am not here to judge or change anyone. But I can change myself and how I act in these difficult situations.
So, while I'm sure that addicts lie. And maybe steal and cheat. I am positive of two things:
1-I can't do anything about it & 2-God loves addicts the same as everyone else. Even those who do almost everything right.
More importantly, I love an addict. I will always love an addict. That too will never change. What needs to change is me. I can love and let go and create healthy boundaries with honesty and be at peace with myself and my life.
I don't know if the truth really sets us free. I don't know that we know the real truth very often. I do know that honesty will set us free, if we're honest with ourselves and those around us.
Here's a challenge for us all:
Live this next week in total honesty. If it doesn't need to be said, don't say it. If you're asked for the truth, give it. And most importantly, be honest with yourself. Let me know how it goes, and what you think.
Honestly.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Intentions and expectations
So, I haven't written in a week or so, but I have had a lot of time to ponder about what my expectations of others are, and if they are realistic. I've also questioned the expectations I hold of myself. What are my intentions when I want to control? What is the outcome I want and am I acting or reacting from fear based emotions?
Well, I can say, as a woman, that this can be a harder question to answer during certain times of the month. For me anyway!! Geeze. I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes. But, I also am learning to recognize what is emotional, hormonal, and genuine concern.
I have been keeping high expectations of myself, more than anyone else. I am afraid of failure. I am afraid of loss. I am afraid of not being enough. This makes it hard to take responsibility sometimes for my feelings and emotions, because that too can be seen as weakness, or failure. But I'm realizing that it is a super strengthening ability: to be able to accept responsibility for our own feelings and stop waiting for some one else or something else to change so we can be happy.
I was recently talking to my awesome sister on the phone, and we were discussing how difficult it is to be a woman and not have certain physical and mental expectations of ourselves. We grow up with a sense of what is appealing, attractive and acceptable, and if we don't have those things, then are self worth suffers. Greatly!
We discussed how you get to a point where you don't let those things bother you anymore.
How do you stop caring about what the world (media, etc.) deems acceptable and find your own beauty and self worth?
What does loving yourself and loving who you are have to do with codependence? a LOT.
Here are my views on self image and codependence.
When you doubt who you are and you constantly live with negative thoughts and feelings about yourself, the insecurities that accompany those thoughts and feelings are enormous. When you add on top of that any kind of fear, you will react to situations without confidence, without faith and without love. You're driven by your fears and self-depricating views.
But, when you begin to see your true worth, and that it's not just physical, but emotional, mental and spiritual, you begin to find that you don't react to others out of fear, but that you really want to be proactive. You will have an inner confidence that will carry you through those days when your codependence wants to take over. You will know that you are worth while. That you are special and that you don't need anyone else to tell you that, show you that or do anything to 'make' you feel it!
I'm curious to know what everyone else thinks about this. Tell me what you think helps a woman, or a man, find his own self worth. How do you grasp that on your own, being codependent?
I'm all ears....
Well, I can say, as a woman, that this can be a harder question to answer during certain times of the month. For me anyway!! Geeze. I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes. But, I also am learning to recognize what is emotional, hormonal, and genuine concern.
I have been keeping high expectations of myself, more than anyone else. I am afraid of failure. I am afraid of loss. I am afraid of not being enough. This makes it hard to take responsibility sometimes for my feelings and emotions, because that too can be seen as weakness, or failure. But I'm realizing that it is a super strengthening ability: to be able to accept responsibility for our own feelings and stop waiting for some one else or something else to change so we can be happy.
I was recently talking to my awesome sister on the phone, and we were discussing how difficult it is to be a woman and not have certain physical and mental expectations of ourselves. We grow up with a sense of what is appealing, attractive and acceptable, and if we don't have those things, then are self worth suffers. Greatly!
We discussed how you get to a point where you don't let those things bother you anymore.
How do you stop caring about what the world (media, etc.) deems acceptable and find your own beauty and self worth?
What does loving yourself and loving who you are have to do with codependence? a LOT.
Here are my views on self image and codependence.
When you doubt who you are and you constantly live with negative thoughts and feelings about yourself, the insecurities that accompany those thoughts and feelings are enormous. When you add on top of that any kind of fear, you will react to situations without confidence, without faith and without love. You're driven by your fears and self-depricating views.
But, when you begin to see your true worth, and that it's not just physical, but emotional, mental and spiritual, you begin to find that you don't react to others out of fear, but that you really want to be proactive. You will have an inner confidence that will carry you through those days when your codependence wants to take over. You will know that you are worth while. That you are special and that you don't need anyone else to tell you that, show you that or do anything to 'make' you feel it!
I'm curious to know what everyone else thinks about this. Tell me what you think helps a woman, or a man, find his own self worth. How do you grasp that on your own, being codependent?
I'm all ears....
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Caretaking can be bad?
I am really trying to navigate the balance between selfless giving of one's self and unhealty caretaking; not getting hurt by things that are obviously meant to hurt; and to stop rescuing others from negative consequences that follow their poor choices, whether or not they affect me.
Anyone thoughts????
Anyone thoughts????
Friday, March 5, 2010
Where are my tools???
Why is it, as soon as you start learning something new, do the tests of your knowledge come so quickly?
I've have read chapter 5 in Melody Beattie's book 3 times now...and I'm still struggling to figure it out in my own slow mind.
Chapter 5 talks about "lovingly detaching." I have read through a lot of material about letting go. And just when I feel like I'm getting it. BAM! Testing time!!
These are the times when I feel weak. Like I'm not sure if I can love someone so very much, and stay out of their life...while living with them. How do you do that?
Bare with me while I think as I type?
What is detachment? Aren't we taught (at least in my culture) that you are to cleave to and become one with your spouse? So how do I do that and detach lovingly?
Melody says that "ideally, detachment is releasing, or detaching from a person, or problem in love." I need to be responsible for myself and not try to take responsibility for other's problems or try to solve problems that are not mine to solve.
I can honestly say, I have stopped doing that much.
Here is the kicker for me:
Melody also states that "we reliquish regrets over the past and fears about the future." This sounds pretty easy...until I try to do it.
Try as I may, I find it so hard to "let go" of everything that I've been holding onto. My past and my future. Good and bad. And live for today. One day at a time.
Jefferey R. Holland said, "the past is to be learned from, not lived in." I know that his words are true! I knowthey are! So, am I going crazy? Or is it just way easier said than done?
I know, I know...I need to read my last entry and focus on the second and third steps. I am. Believe me. I guess I am just feeling like I'm supposed to build a house from scratch with blue prints, but no tools.
I am trying to gain the tools to start building with.
More wisdom from Melody:
"detachment also involves accepting reality-the facts. It requires faith-in ourselves, in God, in other people, and the natural order and destiny of things in this world...We release our burdens and cares, and give ourselves the freedom to enjoy life in spite of our unsolved problems. We trust that all is well in spite of conflicts. We trust that someone greater than us knows, has ordained, and cares about what is happening (this is where I would insert, we apply step 3, and let God's will swallow our own)...We try to stay out of His way and let Him do it. In time, we know that all is well because we see how the strangest (and sometimes most painful) things work out for the best, and for the benefit of everyone."
So, I was just re-reading this-again-and thought, "this would be much easier if I were really detached from the person and problem, and not bumping into it everyday." Now...comes the guilt. I don't want to feel that way. And I know that's not the real solution to my unhealthy living. Not to mention I love my family very much and want to make myself better for them, rather than running from them.
I just turned to Mosiah 4:9-10. Inspired!
It reads, "believe in God; believe that He is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend. And again, believe that you must repent of your sins, and forsake them, and humble yoursleves before God; and ask in sincerity of heart, if He would forgive you; and now, if you believe all these things see that ye do them."
I will. I know I can. I am determined to heal and take one foot out of the past and the other out of the future and live for today, with faith in my Heavenly Father and His plan for me.
I wanted to post this poem-of sorts. It's in the Addict Family Support Guide, and I think I must pin it to my forehead!
"To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization that I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to care for, but care about (love that one).
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle of arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to effect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective, but to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To let go is not to critisize and regulate anyone, but to try to become what I [know] I can be.
To let go is is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less, and love more.
..author unknown
These are tools I need. I get it. Ok, fine. They were right in front of me the whole time. I just need to pick them up, and use them...
I've have read chapter 5 in Melody Beattie's book 3 times now...and I'm still struggling to figure it out in my own slow mind.
Chapter 5 talks about "lovingly detaching." I have read through a lot of material about letting go. And just when I feel like I'm getting it. BAM! Testing time!!
These are the times when I feel weak. Like I'm not sure if I can love someone so very much, and stay out of their life...while living with them. How do you do that?
Bare with me while I think as I type?
What is detachment? Aren't we taught (at least in my culture) that you are to cleave to and become one with your spouse? So how do I do that and detach lovingly?
Melody says that "ideally, detachment is releasing, or detaching from a person, or problem in love." I need to be responsible for myself and not try to take responsibility for other's problems or try to solve problems that are not mine to solve.
I can honestly say, I have stopped doing that much.
Here is the kicker for me:
Melody also states that "we reliquish regrets over the past and fears about the future." This sounds pretty easy...until I try to do it.
Try as I may, I find it so hard to "let go" of everything that I've been holding onto. My past and my future. Good and bad. And live for today. One day at a time.
Jefferey R. Holland said, "the past is to be learned from, not lived in." I know that his words are true! I knowthey are! So, am I going crazy? Or is it just way easier said than done?
I know, I know...I need to read my last entry and focus on the second and third steps. I am. Believe me. I guess I am just feeling like I'm supposed to build a house from scratch with blue prints, but no tools.
I am trying to gain the tools to start building with.
More wisdom from Melody:
"detachment also involves accepting reality-the facts. It requires faith-in ourselves, in God, in other people, and the natural order and destiny of things in this world...We release our burdens and cares, and give ourselves the freedom to enjoy life in spite of our unsolved problems. We trust that all is well in spite of conflicts. We trust that someone greater than us knows, has ordained, and cares about what is happening (this is where I would insert, we apply step 3, and let God's will swallow our own)...We try to stay out of His way and let Him do it. In time, we know that all is well because we see how the strangest (and sometimes most painful) things work out for the best, and for the benefit of everyone."
So, I was just re-reading this-again-and thought, "this would be much easier if I were really detached from the person and problem, and not bumping into it everyday." Now...comes the guilt. I don't want to feel that way. And I know that's not the real solution to my unhealthy living. Not to mention I love my family very much and want to make myself better for them, rather than running from them.
I just turned to Mosiah 4:9-10. Inspired!
It reads, "believe in God; believe that He is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend. And again, believe that you must repent of your sins, and forsake them, and humble yoursleves before God; and ask in sincerity of heart, if He would forgive you; and now, if you believe all these things see that ye do them."
I will. I know I can. I am determined to heal and take one foot out of the past and the other out of the future and live for today, with faith in my Heavenly Father and His plan for me.
I wanted to post this poem-of sorts. It's in the Addict Family Support Guide, and I think I must pin it to my forehead!
"To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization that I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to care for, but care about (love that one).
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle of arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to effect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective, but to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To let go is not to critisize and regulate anyone, but to try to become what I [know] I can be.
To let go is is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less, and love more.
..author unknown
These are tools I need. I get it. Ok, fine. They were right in front of me the whole time. I just need to pick them up, and use them...
Thursday, March 4, 2010
As easy as 1-2-3?
I realized something pretty amazing about myself last night.
I was reading through my Addiction Recovery Program guide for Families of Addicts book, and was contemplating the first step. Honesty. It states "Our honesty allowed us to surrender to the truths that we are powerless to control, manage, or save others and that even though we may try, we cannot remove anyone's God-given agency to choose."
Was that really what I have been doing? Trying to remove others' God-given agency? No...I don't want to do that. I just want them to choose what I want them to. They're still making the choice, it's just the right choice for me. For our family. Right? I've been living the plan I fought so hard against in the pre-existence. I fought for this opportunity for growth and to be obedient to my Heavenly Father. I wanted to do it His way. I am sad to say, I haven't been doing a very good job of living His plan the way I agreed to.
As I am recognizing codependence and it's many faces, I am also beginning to realize why it's more difficult for me, as a codependent, than it seems to be for many others, to impliment steps 2 and 3 in the program...in my life.
Step 2 is: Hope. Step 3 is: Trust In God.
When I first opened my program guide book, and read the steps, I honestly thought to myself, "I have already done almost all of these. Do I really need this?"
Upon taking a closer look, I realize that the hope I had was not the kind of hope I needed. And that the Trust in God I thought I had given, wasn't in fact the kind of trust He needed me to give.
Regarding hope, Boyd K. Packer, in the Nov. 1995 Ensign, said, that there would be "no habit, no addiction, no rebellion, no transgression, no offense exempted from the promise of complete forgiveness [and healing]."
This was the hope I needed, and not only for my loved one, but for myself. I needed hope in the Atonement and the love of my Savior. I needed to have hope and faith that the tender mercies of the Lord are not only "reserved for other people who appear to be more righteous or who serve in visible church callings." But to know that "the tender mercies of the Lord are available to all of us and that the Redeemer of Israel is eager to bestow such gifts upon us."(David A. Bednar, Ensign, May 2005)
I am worthy of the Lord's tender mercies, and so is my husband. We all are!
This is where trusting in God comes in. We let go of control, and exercise the faith that steps one and two helped us discover.
Once again, a codependent does not want to give up control. What else will I have? What if it hurts more? Could it hurt more?
I love this quote by Neal A. Maxwell:
"The submission of one's will is really the only uniquely personal thing we have to place on God's altar. It is a hard doctrine, but it is true. The many other things we give to God, however nice that may be of us, are actually things He has already given us, and He has loaned them to us. But when we begin to submit ourselves by letting our wills be swallwed up in God's will, then we are really giving something to Him."
The last paragraph of the third step in the program guide, states:
"Submission to God's will reduces strife and brings more meaning to our lives. We accept responsibility for our own actions. We accept and treat others as we would like to be treated. We accept the truth that mortality is challenging and has the potential to bring us sorrow and frustration as well as happiness. We enjoy the serenity and strength that come from trusting God and in His goodness, power and love. Now that we know that we can turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, we understand that we can also trust our loves ones to His care." (Family Support Guide, draft copy 2009)
To me, the sum of codepency are these things:
Unrealistic and unhealthy expectations of ourselves and others.
Fear that our desires and expectations have not been or will not be met.
Lack of knowledge or rememberance of our true divine worth.
I know that there are many more ingredients in the codependency mix, but for me, these are the hardest for me to over come.
In her book, Codependent No More, Meldoy Beattie states that "codependency is many things. It is a dependency on people- on their moods, behaviors, sickness or well-being, and their love."
My goal for this weekend is to recognize what expectations I may have that are not healthy or realistic. To start letting go of those expectations. And more importantly, to stop depending on others moods, behaviors, sickness, well-being and love, and come to understand and know myself as a divine spirit daughter of my Heavenly Father.
"Recovery from codependency is exciting. It is liberating. It lets us be who we are. It lets other people be who they are. It helps us own our God-given power to think, feel, and act. It feels good. It brings peace. It enables us to love ourselves and others. It allows us to receive love-some of the good stuff we've all been looking for. It provides an optimum environment for the people around us to get and stay healthy." (Meldoy Beattie, Codependent No More, ch.4, Codependent Characteristics)
This is not an easy road...for me anyway. But it's a road that I am grateful to travel.
I was reading through my Addiction Recovery Program guide for Families of Addicts book, and was contemplating the first step. Honesty. It states "Our honesty allowed us to surrender to the truths that we are powerless to control, manage, or save others and that even though we may try, we cannot remove anyone's God-given agency to choose."
Was that really what I have been doing? Trying to remove others' God-given agency? No...I don't want to do that. I just want them to choose what I want them to. They're still making the choice, it's just the right choice for me. For our family. Right? I've been living the plan I fought so hard against in the pre-existence. I fought for this opportunity for growth and to be obedient to my Heavenly Father. I wanted to do it His way. I am sad to say, I haven't been doing a very good job of living His plan the way I agreed to.
As I am recognizing codependence and it's many faces, I am also beginning to realize why it's more difficult for me, as a codependent, than it seems to be for many others, to impliment steps 2 and 3 in the program...in my life.
Step 2 is: Hope. Step 3 is: Trust In God.
When I first opened my program guide book, and read the steps, I honestly thought to myself, "I have already done almost all of these. Do I really need this?"
Upon taking a closer look, I realize that the hope I had was not the kind of hope I needed. And that the Trust in God I thought I had given, wasn't in fact the kind of trust He needed me to give.
Regarding hope, Boyd K. Packer, in the Nov. 1995 Ensign, said, that there would be "no habit, no addiction, no rebellion, no transgression, no offense exempted from the promise of complete forgiveness [and healing]."
This was the hope I needed, and not only for my loved one, but for myself. I needed hope in the Atonement and the love of my Savior. I needed to have hope and faith that the tender mercies of the Lord are not only "reserved for other people who appear to be more righteous or who serve in visible church callings." But to know that "the tender mercies of the Lord are available to all of us and that the Redeemer of Israel is eager to bestow such gifts upon us."(David A. Bednar, Ensign, May 2005)
I am worthy of the Lord's tender mercies, and so is my husband. We all are!
This is where trusting in God comes in. We let go of control, and exercise the faith that steps one and two helped us discover.
Once again, a codependent does not want to give up control. What else will I have? What if it hurts more? Could it hurt more?
I love this quote by Neal A. Maxwell:
"The submission of one's will is really the only uniquely personal thing we have to place on God's altar. It is a hard doctrine, but it is true. The many other things we give to God, however nice that may be of us, are actually things He has already given us, and He has loaned them to us. But when we begin to submit ourselves by letting our wills be swallwed up in God's will, then we are really giving something to Him."
The last paragraph of the third step in the program guide, states:
"Submission to God's will reduces strife and brings more meaning to our lives. We accept responsibility for our own actions. We accept and treat others as we would like to be treated. We accept the truth that mortality is challenging and has the potential to bring us sorrow and frustration as well as happiness. We enjoy the serenity and strength that come from trusting God and in His goodness, power and love. Now that we know that we can turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, we understand that we can also trust our loves ones to His care." (Family Support Guide, draft copy 2009)
To me, the sum of codepency are these things:
Unrealistic and unhealthy expectations of ourselves and others.
Fear that our desires and expectations have not been or will not be met.
Lack of knowledge or rememberance of our true divine worth.
I know that there are many more ingredients in the codependency mix, but for me, these are the hardest for me to over come.
In her book, Codependent No More, Meldoy Beattie states that "codependency is many things. It is a dependency on people- on their moods, behaviors, sickness or well-being, and their love."
My goal for this weekend is to recognize what expectations I may have that are not healthy or realistic. To start letting go of those expectations. And more importantly, to stop depending on others moods, behaviors, sickness, well-being and love, and come to understand and know myself as a divine spirit daughter of my Heavenly Father.
"Recovery from codependency is exciting. It is liberating. It lets us be who we are. It lets other people be who they are. It helps us own our God-given power to think, feel, and act. It feels good. It brings peace. It enables us to love ourselves and others. It allows us to receive love-some of the good stuff we've all been looking for. It provides an optimum environment for the people around us to get and stay healthy." (Meldoy Beattie, Codependent No More, ch.4, Codependent Characteristics)
This is not an easy road...for me anyway. But it's a road that I am grateful to travel.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Hi. My name is Sara. And I'm codependent.
I remember hearing the word "codependent" when I was 17. It was while I was in therapy. How much therapy does a 17 year old need? Well, I don't know about other 17 year olds, but I needed a lot!!
I already felt like my life was a hopeless abyss of things that were totally out of control. Or, more appropriately, out of MY control.
Up to that point in my life I had experienced my own significant losses and disappointments to the point that I was extrememly depressed. Being depressed has never been my nature. Or, it wasn't until I started to feel helpless in my own life.
This is when my journey into codependence started. Looking back, I can see so clearly how it happened. How it felt. What I believed about myself...
I grew up in a good home. I was happy for the most part and spoiled beyond all reason (I was the youngest of 8). Unfortunately, my parent's had already planted and cultivated certain seeds of codependence when they lost their first son when he was only 4, to cancer. Then, when they had children who made serious life choices that they themselves didn't agree with and felt sorrow over. Then, again, when they lost a daughter-in-law with cancer, a grandson with a heart defect, both sets of their parents, and again, the loss of another son, to a brain tumor.
All of this took place before I was 17.
It is very easy for me to see how so much loss and sorrow could elicit such a need for control. Any control.
Being a codependent myself, I know the questions they must have asked themselves:
"What did I do wrong?"
"How did this happen?"
"What do I do to keep this from happening again?"
"How can I make this stop?"
I would wager that even those who are not codependent, when experiencing the same losses, or worse, would ask the same questions. But the questions are only the beginning...
I didn't ask these same questions until about 6 years ago. In my own marriage, with my own struggles.
I was raised watching my parents try to answer these questions. I was educated in the art of codependency without myself, or my parents, even realizing it.
There is something natural that comes with being a parent, though. Something that makes us want to protect our kids from everything. We don't want them to experience the same pain we did. Or make the same dumb mistakes. But, when we're codependent, we actually take action to prevent those things.
I never saw myself as codependent (because I despised the codependency I felt at times in my youth). I didn't want to see my own codependece.
I actually didn't realize how truly codependent I am, until 2 months ago.
I had grown up with it. Heard about it. Seen it. Felt it. And I still didn't see my own problem until I was 31, and forced to open my eyes to what was happening in my life, and how I had contributed with my obsessiveness, my need for control and my constant caretaking and judging.
Two months ago, I thought the problems I had in my life were all caused by everyone else around me. They had made bad choices! They had lied! The more I fought for control and peace, the more chaos I found myself in! It was like the chaos started swallowing up my entire family, my faith, and my own will to survive.
That was when I attended my first 12 step meeting.
In that meeting I heard a familiar word. Yep, you guessed it: CODEPENDENT
I thought, "oh, yeah, I know what that is....don't I?"
As I listened to others who claimed codependency as their "addiction," it felt like they were describing my inner most thoughts and feelings. I couldn't believe it! They were me! I was them!
I couldn't ignore the truth any longer. I felt it had been slapped across my face.
I AM CODEPENDENT!
I have spent weeks trying to figure out why. How? What I'm realizing now, is that 'why', and 'how', don't matter as much as 'what.' What am I going to do now, to change it?
That is the very question I hope can be answered on this journey. I am ready to change!
I also know I'm not alone.
I know there are so many others who have felt, or who do feel, lost. Who have been betrayed. Who have been drenched in sorrow and existed day to day in the depths of despair, constant worry and anxiety.
I hope somehow, or in some way, that you can take this journey with me. That we can together overcome the emotional and mental handicap that is codependence.
It is my goal to write a new thought, new lesson learned or new perspective on here daily. I welcome and appreciate your thoughts and perspectives as well.
Here's to the beginning of the end, of my codependence!
I already felt like my life was a hopeless abyss of things that were totally out of control. Or, more appropriately, out of MY control.
Up to that point in my life I had experienced my own significant losses and disappointments to the point that I was extrememly depressed. Being depressed has never been my nature. Or, it wasn't until I started to feel helpless in my own life.
This is when my journey into codependence started. Looking back, I can see so clearly how it happened. How it felt. What I believed about myself...
I grew up in a good home. I was happy for the most part and spoiled beyond all reason (I was the youngest of 8). Unfortunately, my parent's had already planted and cultivated certain seeds of codependence when they lost their first son when he was only 4, to cancer. Then, when they had children who made serious life choices that they themselves didn't agree with and felt sorrow over. Then, again, when they lost a daughter-in-law with cancer, a grandson with a heart defect, both sets of their parents, and again, the loss of another son, to a brain tumor.
All of this took place before I was 17.
It is very easy for me to see how so much loss and sorrow could elicit such a need for control. Any control.
Being a codependent myself, I know the questions they must have asked themselves:
"What did I do wrong?"
"How did this happen?"
"What do I do to keep this from happening again?"
"How can I make this stop?"
I would wager that even those who are not codependent, when experiencing the same losses, or worse, would ask the same questions. But the questions are only the beginning...
I didn't ask these same questions until about 6 years ago. In my own marriage, with my own struggles.
I was raised watching my parents try to answer these questions. I was educated in the art of codependency without myself, or my parents, even realizing it.
There is something natural that comes with being a parent, though. Something that makes us want to protect our kids from everything. We don't want them to experience the same pain we did. Or make the same dumb mistakes. But, when we're codependent, we actually take action to prevent those things.
I never saw myself as codependent (because I despised the codependency I felt at times in my youth). I didn't want to see my own codependece.
I actually didn't realize how truly codependent I am, until 2 months ago.
I had grown up with it. Heard about it. Seen it. Felt it. And I still didn't see my own problem until I was 31, and forced to open my eyes to what was happening in my life, and how I had contributed with my obsessiveness, my need for control and my constant caretaking and judging.
Two months ago, I thought the problems I had in my life were all caused by everyone else around me. They had made bad choices! They had lied! The more I fought for control and peace, the more chaos I found myself in! It was like the chaos started swallowing up my entire family, my faith, and my own will to survive.
That was when I attended my first 12 step meeting.
In that meeting I heard a familiar word. Yep, you guessed it: CODEPENDENT
I thought, "oh, yeah, I know what that is....don't I?"
As I listened to others who claimed codependency as their "addiction," it felt like they were describing my inner most thoughts and feelings. I couldn't believe it! They were me! I was them!
I couldn't ignore the truth any longer. I felt it had been slapped across my face.
I AM CODEPENDENT!
I have spent weeks trying to figure out why. How? What I'm realizing now, is that 'why', and 'how', don't matter as much as 'what.' What am I going to do now, to change it?
That is the very question I hope can be answered on this journey. I am ready to change!
I also know I'm not alone.
I know there are so many others who have felt, or who do feel, lost. Who have been betrayed. Who have been drenched in sorrow and existed day to day in the depths of despair, constant worry and anxiety.
I hope somehow, or in some way, that you can take this journey with me. That we can together overcome the emotional and mental handicap that is codependence.
It is my goal to write a new thought, new lesson learned or new perspective on here daily. I welcome and appreciate your thoughts and perspectives as well.
Here's to the beginning of the end, of my codependence!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
